flashback
flashback now 6 weeks post-op and continuing to recover well…i think…but i had a funny experience yesterday…my partner and i are planning a holiday to Australia to see family, and hoped to do some diving while we were out there…as it’s a while since either of us has dived, we booked a refresher course at a local dive school. the start was not auspicious…the pool session on thursday started with us being locked out and having to wait ages till someone turned up with a key…then i had an instructor who was very inexperienced and nervous. the hired kit didn’t work properly so i spent most of my time fighting with it and didn’t really achieve what i needed to. however we persisted…first sea dive yesterday. i felt quite upbeat getting ready, it was a gorgeous day and i enjoyed putting all the kit together…but the guy driving the boat roared off extremely fast, i had to hang on like a limpet to avoid being pitched overboard and began to feel a bit unhappy. although it was a sunny day, we stopped at a site in deep shade…by the time i had all the stuff on i was really feeling very anxious, but i got in the water anyway…it was choppy, the suit flooded, and i couldn’t clear my ears. i threw up in the water and had to say i couldn’t carry on. i felt terribly ashamed…i didn’t panic, but i certainly didn’t feel confident…only when i got home did i realise i’d had some kind of flashback to waking up in the recovery room festooned with tubes, totally helpless and in terrible pain. the feelings of anxiety, physical discomfort, physical constraint and distress were exactly the same…after the bad experience in the pool i didn’t really trust the dive school, so i was nervous already…a whole lot of “triggers” came together. in a way i’m grateful that my ears decided i couldn’t dive that day…
…only later also did i remember that the anaesthetic room had a mural on the ceiling which was the last thing i saw every time i went under anaesthetic…an underwater scene! depicting an extremely sick-looking angel fish. i’d commented on it several times…i hope i haven’t developed an unconscious negative association between going under anaesthetic and going underwater…
Helpline Hi catkin19
I am sorry you had such an upsetting experience with your return to diving.
If you feel you would like someone to talk through these feelings you can always phone the Breast Cancer Care helpline on 0808 800 6000. Everyone on our helpline either has experience of breast cancer or is a breast care nurse and they will be able to talk about both technical and emotional issues surrounding breast cancer.
Kind Regards
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