Getting dressed to head out for my year 4 annual checkup. Don’t want to wear the outfit I was wearing when I was diagnosed … don’t want to wear something deliberately awful because I should live my life confidently and I don’t want my diagnosis to force me to be small and unobtrusive, making sure I don’t draw the universe’s attention. I’ll wear something I feel confident in. Put on six earrings … Now, what to wear. This dress? I like this dress … yes, but if I get a bad result that’ll put me off the dress. Hhhm, what about this one? That dress belonged to my mother. My mother died of cancer. Maybe it’s a bad omen. Stop being an idiot … dresses don’t cause cancer. Maybe I should just wear that dress because it has bad vibes anyway. I wear my mother’s dress.
Go to the hospital – it’s so familiar, I’ve been here so many times – there’s the room where I found out my diagnosis. I remember it all so clearly. Last year I accidentally caught sight of the mammogram on the screen – this year, I’ll tell the nurse that that freaked me out. She is kind and tells me when it’s gone from the screen. I’ve found another tiny step to take to make it less stressful. This is, literally like Groundhog Day – if I get it all right one day will it end? It’s all so familiar. Hang on, somehow I’ve got lost. I can’t remember my way out of the hospital. I seem to have found myself in the orthopaedic unit …
Walking home – I see a postman – OH NO WHAT IF HE HAS THE LETTER. How can he, you idiot, you only just had the appointment. Oh yeh. Get back home. Letter with blue printing on it on the mat. OH NO WHAT IF THAT’S THE LETTER. This makes no sense. You literally just got home from the appointment … Oh yeh. Repeat for a week …
Hi yes it is horrible isn’t it . Just got through my fifth and was gibbering wreck . The most awful thing is going back to the place of trauma and I wonder whether medics appreciate the mental stress we go through . No more clinic for me thankfully but four more annual mammograms so it goes on … last two radiographers pretty much told me it was OK and one showed me why . Helps relieve stress of waiting for letter but that feeling when it arrives … good luck ! X
Thanks for sharing. I still have 4 months until my first annual check up and I’m already thinking about it.
Ive just had my first mammogram since diagnosis and am nervously awaiting my letter 
Dear Naughty boob,
why do we put ourselves through so much is Breast Cancer takes such a toll on everyone if they tell you it’s good news, we think they’re not telling you the truth if they tell you it’s bad we are climbing up the wall. Try to enjoy the next few months before you go back for your appointment don’t worry easier said than done.
Wishing you health and happiness going forward. You are always so supportive to others on this site.
Hugs Tili 
I am approaching my first 3 yearly mammogram after diagnosis - first 6 years they were yearly - now thinking how much trouble could they have got up to in that time , quite a-lot potentially !!! Unfortunately it’s a worry that never totally goes away ,but we do find a way to park the worry for longer periods of time . Good luck everyone facing mammograms and results .x
Just nearly jumped out of my skin because I had a missed call and a voicemail on my phone - and I never get messages on my phone. Forgot of course that the hospital doesn’t even have my number - it was the place I was trying to book a massage in order to, you know, treat myself and relax 
Just updating this as I know it causes anxiety for people waiting for their own results when things just peter out. Had to ring the secretaries as the post is so slow atm. Left breast, which was the one that caused all the trouble in the first place, can no longer be mammogrammed because I had a mastectomy, so having only the non-cancer breast checked never fully resolves uncertainty but it’s the best I’ll get. Right breast ‘has no suspicious features’ which is in this context a win.