Thank you. He also told me ‘it’s only breast cancer’. I had forgotten that until today. I’m not sure what it meant but I assume it was supposed to be reassuring. I was sitting there thinking I’m going to die soon.
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@flojo I’d like to send lots of love and hugs to you. There’s not really anything I can say that others haven’t already said more eloquently. I just wanted to pick up on something @kingsbreasts said about changing her life. Quite a few years ago my husband developed depression and anxiety, and had a breakdown, largely but not wholly related to his job. The first thing the Community Psychiatric Nurse said to him was - you won’t accept this now but this breakdown is the best thing that could have happened to you. He was treated, returned to work in a different role and then decided to take early retirement at 56. Now with hindsight he agrees with what the nurse said - the breakdown made him reevaluate his life and his priorities. He was in danger of living to work instead of working to live. Now he gardens, potters, enjoys our granddaughter etc… Hard as what you’re going through is, eventually you can hopefully find some positives, this forum being one.
Sorry about the rambling 
Love to all 
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Thank you - wholeheartedly relate to this. My partner and sister have been nagging me for ages to ditch the job, but I’ve ploughed on as it was the safest thing to do. However this turns out, it has given me a new perspective that’s for sure. Sad it took this to realise!
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Change is scary, even when the change will probably be beneficial to you. If you have some sick leave it may give you an idea of what not working may be like?
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Try & take someone with you, it’s a lot to take in, or talk to the Macmillan nurse that was present at your consultation. Don’t feel your questions are silly either.
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Hi @flojo,
I just wanted to add my best wishes to all the lovely responses you’ve already had. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this, but glad the professionals are being so thorough. In terms of how best to cope, you will find a way. Do whatever you need to. Distractions are invaluable. And, easier said than done, try not to think too far ahead. I found that what I thought I could (or, crucially, couldn’t) cope with absolutely changed during my treatment. The bar shifts, so that how you feel about things when you’re there is different to how you felt prior to being in the situation. I hope that makes sense!? Anyway, sending strength and best wishes x
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Thanks @dorri. I waited all day for a call about my scan appointments and nothing came, so that didn’t help. Had a terrible night’s sleep - awake about 4am worrying about the worst case scenario and planning how I would clear out my possessions. It’s hard to go from normal to potentially life-threatening in a matter of weeks. Have a lovely weekend.
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I can remember that horrible waiting for the phone to ring and it not happening . Really hard to have even a moment of mental space when you are constantly on alert. Try to treat the weekend as your days off - no appointments / calls today . Sometimes being a BC patient with appointments / decisions / the research and thinking you do in order to make those decisions is a full time job and trying to be available to answer the phone etc is effectively like being on call - which I’ve always hated so I treated it as a job and gave myself the weekend off . Obviously you can’t forget it completely but I was trying to take it all a day at a time and there was a sense of freedom in knowing that I wasn’t a slave to my phone for 2 whole days.
The places we go in our imaginations are almost always worse than the reality . When you feel your mind pulling you down that rabbit hole try not to follow it. I doubt there’s any need for you to clear out your possessions but maybe having a clear out might help you to feel a bit more in control - no hasty decisions though this is not the time for that.
Sorry to hear that you’ve been having a hard time at work . A few years ago I had a retinal vein occlusion which was largely down to family related stress and persistent colds due to being run down which had sent my blood pressure through the roof but I had a terrible boss at the time who wouldn’t let me reduce my hours unless I reduced my pay band but I needed my higher band in order to continue doing part of her job as well because she wasn’t doing it . Luckily by the time I returned from 8 months of sickness she was gone and our Dept. was a much nicer place to work but I’m still angry at her to this day and if she had still been there when I was ready to go back then I would have used every delaying tactic in the book to not go back and spun it out until my 55th birthday at which point I was lucky to be in the situation that I could take my pension. Just after my 55th birthday having had the time to look into my finances and see the Pensions Officer I took a retire and return and now work 16 hours a week on a lower band as my eyesight won’t now allow me to do the hours of office work required for my previous band . There’s less responsibility as well and I’m much happier. I also have reasonable adjustments and having cancer automatically qualifies you for those as well as it’s covered under the Disabilities Act. Maybe this gives you some options ? There are many other threads on here about employment that might be helpful .
.
With love xx
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Hi there, thank you SO much for your beautiful words!! I am with you that my perspective has changed too. I tell my family more, and friends verbally i love them rather than on a card. I have always loved helping people and sadly (but actually very positively!) Finishing work on ill health due to multiple health problems not just bi-lateral breast cancer, has given me that space and time to help more!!! Which i love, makes me happy and fulfilled. I was diagnosed 3 years ago at 49 yrs.
I will be honest the fear never goes away, but i seek help, speak to professionals and speak to friends openly telling them if i have found a new symptom (several visits and ultra sounds … all radiotherapy changes) which i find helps. Yes, your mind will always take you dark places … especially 3am in the morning!!!
Although life is different now i embrace everyday, see lots of positives to be grateful for. Give yourself time, be kind, do what is right for you, what you say and who you tell. And this forum and all of us here, know and care for each other. I send wishes to you and everyone on this forum for the future xxx
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Ouch - awful choice of words on his behalf. I think we all get this to some degree - they are trying to give you some sort of perspective on it because from their perspective they see diagnoses of cancer every day and if there’s any comfort in what he has said then it’s that firstly it doesn’t sound as though he thinks it’s spread or he wouldn’t have said that and secondly that BC is a very common and well known form of cancer so very treatable and a better prognosis than most.
l was lucky in that I was a very early Grade 1 and they kept telling how tiny and early it was , thank goodness they didn’t say I was lucky - I know that I was but initially my brain just kept coming back to the word cancer and I didn’t feel lucky . They almost made it sound like actually I didn’t have cancer at all - not really and I almost fell for that. Then I thought well hang on if it’s so harmless and barely even cancer then why do you need me to have radiotherapy and why do want me to take tablets for 5 years . My friend who was diagnosed a few months after me had a similar experience.
I don’t know if they’re aware of how much what they say and how they say it messes with your mind but it often makes more sense in retrospect . The stage you are at with the waiting is awful if you can try to take a day at a time . Xx
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Thank you. That really helps. I have never been ill before in my life - I’m usually the strong, capable one that everyone else relies on - so this has thrown me into completely unchartered waters where I feel completely out of control. I’m dreading Thursday but I can see from other comments and threads that this is a common feeling, so that gives me some comfort. Thanks again. xx
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Thank you. I’m glad your cancer was caught early. xx
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I appreciate now that I was lucky and really hope that your fears will prove unfounded . The extra investigations are scary but they are routine xx
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So, having waited for a phone call all of yesterday, the post arrived just now with two appointments - one for a CT scan and one for a bone scan. My follow-up appointment with the consultant is next Thursday to discuss the results. The scans are next Sunday and the following Thursday. So back to the drawing board…it is all so tough.
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There’s a lot of good things about the NHS but admin is not one of them. I won’t bore you with the traumas of admin during my active treatment which involved six different hospitals in two different health authorities. Suffice it to say if I didn’t have the laser vision on detail that a lawyer has, it would have gone very wrong. God help the elderly and those for whom Englishnis not their first language. And yesterday my brother called me to say there was a letter for me at his house (the address I was discharged to after BC surgery 20 months ago) which was notification of a haematology appointment I had already had, by phone, two weeks ago. Just got down to my London flat to find the discharge letter following that appointment, which had been delivered three days before the appointment letter and to the correct address. 
You have to advocate for yourself as much with the admin as with the medics. I’d phone them on Monday and tell them that you have an appointment with the surgeon to discuss the results before the actual scans and would be eternally grateful if they could fit you in before the meeting with the surgeon otherwise there will be a delay in getting your cancer treatment. Politely lay it on thick. We shouldn’t have to do it but sometimes we do.
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I have stage 3 grade 2 lobular and a CT scan is totally normal thing to do once you are confirmed as stage 3. Your surgeon doesn’t know and they all are very careful to be totally neutral. I know it is shit but hold off telling other than those supporting you until you know. Sending a big hug and hope the CT results are through soon xxx
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Thank you!
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Like you my news seemed to get worse every time I went back to hospital. My tumour was initially estimate to be 2.5cm- after surgery it was 7cm and 6 lymph nodes were affected. Scans confirmed it hadn’t spread. Waiting for the results of these scans were the hardest, most challenging time so I sympathise entirely. Once you have got through this part and your treatment begins it will feel different and you will start to see a way through. I couldn’t believe this at first - people would tell me this but the feeling of impending doom just felt so awful. I have now got through surgery, chemo and radiotherapy with various drugs to come down the line but the whole thing has been so much more manageable that I thought it would be and my mood has improved so much. Also remember that surgeons tend to not be the best at interpersonal skills so lean heavily into your breast care nurse for a more sympathetic approach and make sure you get lots of support from amazing resources like Breast Cancer Now and any cancer centres near you. Good luck with the next stage and sending all positive thoughts x
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Hello Flojo, I found the early days after diagnosis very difficult too and was convinced I had stage 4, following my first full body scan they found hotspots on my spine liver & thyroid, after the PET scan and biopsies of thyroid & a mole on my back they found the lesions/nodules all benign, so I was still stage 3 IDC. I finished chemo & few weeks ago, have 2 more Herceptin injections, radiotherapy next week. I’m starting to feel more energetic now & my fresh cream doughnuts which was all I wanted to eat are now no longer required! The Paclitaxel wasn’t too bad, my only side effects were a little breathlessness and fatigue, I’d just retired the week before diagnosis so made the most of good books, my garden and seeing my family when I had the energy. I’ve kept a diary of my days since diagnosis last October and the difference in my feelings of doom & gloom are incredible. I wish you all the very best x
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Thank you so much for your reply. My mind has been going to dreadful places. The worst time is when I wake up about 4am dreaming the consultant is giving me bad news. I like the idea of keeping a diary. Take care. xx
ps it must have been a scary time with the scan results. I am pleased you are ok.
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