Frustrated and sad

I was set to get my second chemotherapy on Thursday but in preparing I took my prescribed steroids on Wednesday, started fasting, and five and half hours after taking my steroids I suddenly developed stroke like symptoms. I was in the middle of leaving a voice mail message for work and it was just crazy. My kids were home and called 911 and I ended up being rushed to the hospital. Lots of tests, everything turned out okay, and long and short of it is they decided I had a severe reaction to my steroids. But it was a stressful and scary 24 hours as they looked at everything and I had more scans and tests than I ever had previously. And to top it all off the cold capping did not work with my C/T chemo and almost all my hair has fallen out. And because I’m on taxotere I’m scared it won’t come back, I hate looking in the mirror because I look old and sick, and I’m still scared because I thought I had a stroke or even that my cancer was in my brain and I never want those kind of horrific fears to happen again. I’m just scared and I haven’t even had my second chemo yet. Rescheduled for it Monday but I think it’s too soon mentally. I don’t want to take those steroids again even though they cut them down by half and I certainly don’t want chemo before I have a chance to talk with my oncologist. She was out last week so I’ve no feedback from her. But yet I’m also scared to postpone this cycle. Will the “mopping up” as they call this type of chemo be affected if I wait? And to complicate matters we are due to go on a family holiday next week and even if I wanted chemo on Monday it might not be enough time to recover before we leave and my blood counts will plummet midway through vacation. Not ideal. And my husband is now gun shy and wants me never to get chemo again much less go and get it this coming Monday so now I have him to worry about. I mean I know I’ll finish out my four cycles even if I have to grit my teeth and pull my big girl panties up to do it, but I do have the mental health of my family to consider. No child likes to call 911 on their mom. I left one kid in tears begging me not to die and the other in shock as I pulled away in that ambulance on Wednesday…good grief.

Kay, I’m so sorry to hear you had reaction to your steroids and yes it is scarey because you don’t know what’s wrong then your mind goes a million miles an hour because you were probably wheeled off for scans etc with no one explaining why, so you automatically assume they are checking to see if it’s spread. Do please ring your team today and explain you want to see your oncologist before next treatment it is hard to give it another try when you’ve had a scare but you’ll make your own decision. I was hospitalised after my first chemo for 6 days with an infection and didn’t want any more but they reduced the dose for next one and I gave it another go. Then after fec got switched to t and on my second t had a reaction, they stopped it gave me bag on antihistamine and then restarted it, I just wanted to jump out of tge chair and run for the hills, but I had to do it because for me I knew if I didn’t throw everything at it, I’d never forgive myself. But remember all choices are yours you are in control use extra dark black castor oil on your head, rub it in leave for an hour and shampoo off I used lush new shampoo bar like a red dot it is , others have used caffeine shampoos and had great results there I’m so sorry the cold cap hasn’t worked and please when you look in the mirror, look deep into your eyes, you are still there, still amazing and still wonderful you it’s hard to not recognise yourself in the mirror but you are still there just think of it like butterfly going into a chrysalis and when chemos finished you will come out of that and then you have the kinder surprise to look forward to because you’ve no idea what colour your hair will come back or if it will be straight or chemo curly whirly sending big :two_hearts: :two_hearts: :sparkles: :sparkles: Shi xx

That is so frustrating hun. I hope everything went well. You could share this on I’m sure people would find your story amazing. Best of luck xx