Hello! This is my first post! I have dipped in and out of reading posts on a lot of forums the past 18months for advice and support but am struggling to find anything that relates to me now. I have finished my treatment, i had 2 ops one lumpectomy and one re-excision, 6 rounds of chemo hell, 20 radiotherapy treatments and 18 rounds of herceptin. I have now been bounced back into life with my fingers crossed that it is all done! And have no idea who i am anymore! Does anyone else feel this way?
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Hi and welcome to the forum.
I had lumpectomy, chemo and rads. Now on letrozole and zoladex. Coming upĀ to 2 years since diagnosis.
Iām not sure that it is possible to feel the same as before diagnosis. There is a constant worry of reaccurrance, but as time goes on, it is not at the forefront of my mind anymore. I think there is a new normalā¦if you get what I mean. A new way of looking at life.
I have gone through many changes during this time, but have learnt to take one day at a time, and I cope the best I can .
Best wishes
Sue xx
I was looking through the forum for someone who had, was or is experiencing similar feelings to me and saw this post from 5 years ago. I hope you are in a good place now.
I donāt think any of us really get back to who we once were because major events in our lives good or bad will affect us one way or another. Back in 2010 I had grade 3 DCIS breast cancer , wide local excision surgery, chemo, radiotherapy and aromatase hormone therapy. I didnāt fair well on the hormone therapy and stopped it 4 months in as it literally crippled me. I recovered soon after and my life bounced back pretty ok thanks to a loving supportive partner, great friends and family.
We all live with the fear of cancer returning and sure enough it did return in April 2023. I felt Iād had a good run and naively thought Iād sail through despite being told I needed a mastectomy. Good I thought, my cancer is in the same breast as last time, get it off completely this time, problem solved and I can get back to another ā new normal ā !!Ā
I had my āsimpleā (they called it) single mastectomy three weeks ago. Simple because I didnāt have reconstruction due to an earlier (2 months previous) back surgery and I have a pending bowel surgery in a few months. I was discharged within little over 24hrs, didnāt have a drain put in and within a week had to go back in dreadful pain and soreness to have a large seroma along the stitches aspirated. I put on a brave bounce back face initially on leaving hospital and believe that was thanks to the anesthetic. I joked about having tattoos and made out I was ok with it allā¦In truth I havenāt bounced back but gone to a place Iāve not expected to be and feeling quietly depressed, emotional and definitely not good seeing myself as I am now. The seroma fluid is back and Iām sore and uncomfortable despite doing everything by the book, massage, exercises, taking it easy etc. I know I canāt get back to that person I saw in the mirror before I ever had cancer in 2010 and certainly not now I have lost a breast and gained a massive scar because I am older and donāt even look like that same person anymore. Iām tired, very tired and still have another surgery to go. So where do I go from here??Ā
One day at a time ā¦one week at a timeā¦one month at a time until I regain my health, my strength and fitness to be and accept the new me. I have to learn Iām not superwoman and have to accept I need to ask for help on my road to recovery ? The fact that the reaccurrance 19mm tumour was grade 2 DCIS is less of a worry, it was the finding of numerous higherĀ grade precancerous foci dotted around the removed breast waiting to turn nasty that worries me more - where else might these be in my other breast or body. Will it return for a third time as these tiny foci canāt be picked up on CT scans. My consolation is that if there are any, they grow so slowly Iāll probably be near the end of life anyway before theyāre picked up again. Mammograms stop after 70 Iām told and Iām now 68! ? So Iām never going to get back to who I once was anyway - I once was a lady scaling up the Himalayas in Nepal and cycling across Vietnam and Cambodia to Thailand in my 50s ? But I do intend to beat my current depression and get back on my bike again by next Spring ?? and work through that bucket list of mine next year with a Danube River cruise with our friends. Something to look forward to rather than looking back at whatās lost ? x
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@Brightside55Ā just read your reply and I think you areĀ superwoman! What you have gone through and your amazing attitude is absolutely heroic and brave! The more I read on these forums and the way that women are quietly getting on with these massive challenges is so moving, and awe inspiring! Wishing you strength,Ā and good health xxx
Thank you Margot, wishing you the same ?
Hi,
I have been contemplating sending out a question about when do people start feeling life is a bit more ānormalā after treatment and came across this post.Ā
I had a mastectomy in April and have started hormone therapy recently. I just donāt feel life feels remotely normal yet. I am not sure what I am expecting or how I could think Iād be moving on so soon, but it all still feels so new. My wound is healing really well (although I still have a slight seroma on the outside edge). Under my arm still aches and Iām aware of it pretty regularly.Ā
So far, Iām doing ok on the hormone treatment (Zoladex and letrozole), but I think Iām still anticipating the onset of more difficult symptoms.Ā
The big challenge is managing the fear. Every lump, bump or ache makes my stomach flip over with anxiety. I am making sure I put lots of things in place to support my mental health and I guess itās just going to take time for life to feel a bit more āsettledā.Ā
I remember the surgeon saying Iād be able to carry on as normal by four weeks post surgery so I think I just wasnāt anticipating it all still feeling so new three months down the line. Naive, I know. The surgeon was right in that I could do lots physically by four weeks post surgery, but thereās so much more to all this than thatā¦.
Iām rambling with no real point other than to offload the goingās-on in my brain and to hope others can relate! ?Ā
KayLou2 
you are not rambling everyone finds their own drumbeat a day at a time so donāt be hard on yourself or put pressure on yourself you are doing the best you can if you are in the Uk please look at a moving forward course there are other things too like spirit and soul equine therapy not sure if you still get 4 sessions funded by your Macmillan but the lady who runs it is a bc survivor herself and Ā going there helped me and others in the early days im sure others will pop on with help and support too ??
Shi xx
Hi KayLou2
I can relate to the brain ramblings, youāre not alone in those ramblings. I think we all have no end of thoughts and worries that rush through if not all the time, certainly some of the time. I think thatās a perfectly normal response to what is after all major disfiguring surgery with the added fear of the big C returning ?ā? Iām just over 4 weeks on from non reconstructed mastectomy. I am slowly picking back up on physical activity but am still very sore and quite red along the stitch line. My seroma fluid has largely gone aside from a small pocket under the arm helped by a sports compression cami top rather than wearing a bra. I have been sending photos of any concerns Iāve had to my cancer clinic and spoken directly to the breast nurses when Iāve had those concerns and found them really helpful, understanding and reassuring ?
Shi is quite right about Macmillan - if available in your area do consider one of their helpful moving on sessions. Do speak to them and the breast nurses who are always there to reassure.
Sending you positive vibes and virtual hugsĀ ? ???
Hello Kaylou, I am 18 months post end of treatment and think the penny is finally dropping that who I am now is not who I was before. Physical side is just one part,Ā head space is a different ball game. Thatās not to say itās bad, just takes time to find the new normal. I have my annual mammogram coming up next month and it triggers all the worriesā¦as does any unusual twinge or feeling. Taking to others helps and from that I know this is very normal. Youāve stepped onto a different path than before, it can still be a good one but let yourself gently find the new way.
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You are all so inspiring and reassuring thanks for your posts. I am a battered 62 year old who used to cycle the Himalayas, sailed across the Atlantic and was up for any challenge. After my first cancer I fought back to fitness and somehow managed to sail solo round the UK to raise Ā£12000 for Macmillan while my husband cycled along the coast. A year later I am coming to the end of treatment for my second primary BC which is mind boggling. I am unfit, overweight and need a new hip. I donāt know whether I am more scared of cancer returning, getting yet another primary cancer, or staying as fat and unfit as I am now for the rest of my life however long that is.
I have been offered a vegan yoga retreat in the autumn and have booked onto the Moving Forward course so I am taking steps in the right direction but I am feeling very defeated at the moment. Plan B involves giving up being a bold adventurer and becoming a knitting granny but Iām not sure Iām quite ready for that!
Hi Nancy,
I can relate entirely to your feelings. Iām 68 and climbed the Annapurna in the Himalaya in my 50s and cycled with my partner across Vietnam and Cambodia following my first round of BC chemo and radiotherapy. I didnāt raise as much as you for cancer research but did my bit all the same. Well done you for an amazing fund raiser. I was always fit and healthy with plenty of go in me right up to this second time around DCIS and mastectomy. I had ripped my ACL in my knee prior to spinal surgery just two months prior to finding out my BC had returned !! I feel completely wrecked now and a shadow of my former self. I am now over weight through lack of exercise at the levels I was previously able to achieve, I donāt like what I see in the mirror and am uncomfortable being intimate with my partner. To everyone else I am this amazingly strong resilient woman that doesnāt let anything phase me ā¦but inside Iām feeling exhausted and somewhat depressed TBH most of the time. I too am fighting against the granny knitting person I donāt yet want to be, I preferred the active granny. Iāve found swimming helps, itās my go to work out and anti-depression morale booster. I think the one thing I find the most difficult at the moment, 6 weeks on from surgery, is the intense fatigue that kicks in after minimal activity alongside chronic arthritis in my knees which prior to the surgeries and treatment I never had. But swimming and just floating in the water helps relieve both stress, anxiety , physical and mental pain 
Perhaps I should consider the moving forward course too. Sending you positive vibes and virtual hugs for a speedy recovery 
Aw @Brightside55 I want to be your friend! Are you anywhere near Devon?
I think one aspect of all this that gets to me is the effort involved in being that cheery strong person that takes everything thrown at me with a joke and is super nice to all the staff. Itās such hard work to maintain the facade when Iām so pissed off with it all. Iāve got a little mini adventure tonight as Iām heading over to France with my ebike to watch my DH ride the Paris Brest Paris 1200km Audax. I will catch a glimpse of him at Sizun in Brittany. Then I have a week in a gite on a cheese farm with friends chilling and swimming in the lake. I have lowered their expectations of me but there are some lovely churches nearby to visit with Enclos Parossial. And croissants and coffee.
When I get home itās time for the bone infusion, the next round of drugs and a scan for a painful shoulder to check itās not metastases.
I will go back to swimming when I finish oral chemo as my immune system isnāt quite ready for a public swimming pool.
I hope your fatigue is lifting and the wounds are doing okay.
Nancy
Hi @Nancy.B I too am being checked for metastasis but in my stomach. How completely crappy is it when itās said to you so matter of factly and all you can think is āthis will change my life absolutely and irrevocablyā. I live alone so have plenty of time to ponder the what-ifs. However have been told by my oldest friend only this afternoon to āpull up your big girl pantsā because Iām worried about the time it takes to get the tests I need. I guess this is how itās going to be from now on. Iām not as outdoorsy as you but I was an award-winning Latin dancer and still kept it up albeit not to competition level into my 60s. The crippling fatigue has put paid to that. I wish you a wonderful break and good luck with your upcoming scan.
Iāve posted replies on here several times to try to help others as they are thrown into this awful situation. This is quite rambling. I finished my 2 courses of chemo, lumpectomy and radiotherapy in January last year. Physically Iām left with nerve damage from peripheral neuropathy resulting in problems with my toes (where nails are still coming off) and pain in my breast and shoulder as the scar is in my armpit caused nerve damage. I have pain in my breast bones and ribs from radiotherapy. I have bald patches on my head. Iām alive but feel very old and unable to do many things. I am worried about local recurrence as I had TNBC invasive ductal breast cancer. I have a meeting with a consultant radiologist on Thursday as I am certain my mammogram in 26 March 2021 couldnāt show the DCIS as I have dense breasts. I had explained to the radiographer that I was concerned that I was experiencing breast pain, this continued and worsened until I found a large lump in my breast in Sept/early Oct 2021 exactly where I had the pain. They say the high grade DCIS and invasive ductal cancer must have started after my mammogram. I donāt accept it, I have dense breasts and believe the DCIS was present but not visible in March 2021. Even if they continue to say it all happened within the 6 months, by the time I have mammograms every 12 months it could mean a local invasive recurrence could have developed and spread. I have no confidence whatsoever in mammograms and would prefer MRi as they seem more reliable for women with dense breasts and picked up a small 2nd tumour & radial scar. Itās not for any personal gain, I simply want to feel safer than I do. Apologies for the length of this but I feel unable to move forward. If anyone is interested I can report back after my meeting on Thursday. Best wishes Joan xx
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