Ihad a lot of support from my husband and my sons and also from my brother and his wife, while being treated for Breast cancer and reconstruction,for which I am very grateful. However a sister in law on my husbands side has hardly been in contact despite the fact that I offered a lot of support when she had breast cancer many year ago and more recently we su[pported her and her husband during a time when she needed emergency surgery, even though they live a good 2 hour journey from us, and she has now recovered from BC and her health issues
I am usually in touch with about 10 friends from high HighSchool, but only one or two of them have actually bothered to ask how I was getting on.
I have been able to make a good recovery and I feel very blessed, and I am in contact regularly with my moving forward Group, which is lovely, so I just want to get on with life!
Sorry to moan but It has been good to ‘get this off my chest’,but understand that many of you have much more serious concerns than I have.
I think some people just find knowing what to say is difficult when someone is ill
Sending love and best wishes for a good recovery to all
Honeym
Its a tough one @honeym and one that Ive read, many people have experienced. Its not something thats not important at all. Its very important. And one that can hurt deeply.
There are lots of reasons why people ghost relatives/friends when they hear of cancer.
Some are genuinely frightened of cancer, and worry about not knowing what to say, so stay away; some are just selfish and don’t want to be bothered; some are worried about their own lives, and if they can cope with other peoples illnesses; some are so busy they simply forget; others think you will need space to get through it all; some think you will have lots of support so dont want to get in the way; some are happy getting support, but not so good at giving support.
I think its as complex as the people are themselves, with no easy reason.
But, it can feel very hurtful at a time when you need as much support as possible. And especially when you have been so supportive in reverse, over the years.
I think we just have to let some people go, if they are ghosting us.
We need to concentrate on those who are being kind.
And for those who have a smaller circle of support, I think its important to tap into local charity support groups, online support networks etc. None should suffer cancer on their own. Or feel isolated.
Im glad to hear you have a good, direct family, around you. Focus on them, and the friends who care.
I contacted one long term friend about my cancer, and she never even replied to my contact. Funnily enough, she was always very demanding of my time. So I just let her go.
I had another friend who became very voyeuristic about my diagnosis, and didnt want to hear that I was coping OK. She just enjoyed the “doom” factor, and creating “doom”, so I had to back away, as the contact was dragging me down. She never wanted me to be happy. Which I found odd, as she’d had cancer years ago and was quickly cancer free. So I thought of anyone, she would have been the most positive. Funny old world. People surprise us.
Then Ive had friends who have really stepped up and contacted me every day, and people Ive hardly known, being beyond wonderful with constant offers of help and kindness. One of my friends sends me beautiful photographs of the sea where she lives. Which is a beautiful gesture.
So cancer is a bit like a sorting tool, it keeps the wonderful people around us, and roots out the less so helpful ones.
But, I must admit, I wouldnt push people away, if I thought they were actually too scared at the time, or life was already too tough for them. We dont know what goes on in peoples lives.
If you thought it was possible, maybe you could ask your other relatives if they are struggling with your diagnosis. Perhaps your husband may have an idea on that front. If thats a tricky one, then just focus on those who are being kind in the here and now.
But you are not alone, and Im sure if you Googled Ghosting during Cancer, I am sure you will find lots of people experiencing the same thing. Ive copied in a Link from this Forum, below. Xxx
And, no its not a minor problem, it genuinely hurts. So thanks for bringing this up. Sending you a big hug. Glad to hear you have made a good recovery. I hope this continues.
Make sure you keep giving yourself lots of TLC.
I have posted a previous chat about this. Hopefully it may help.
Great minds think alike @p2025 
I’m in a local support group of breast cancer ladies and it’s a common message on our WhatsApp group. When I have spoken to individuals we nearly always agree that if people can’t support you after a cancer diagnosis they aren’t worth bothering with.
I had a good friend of 20 years who supported another friend with bowel cancer by popping around, helping with food, going to appointments but when I was diagnosed I had a few texts. I had counselling and they suggested contacting them and saying how I felt about the lack of support without being critical of them. The reply was. ‘ I did contact you but I didn’t think you wanted to be seen face to face’. All of this without asking. Suffice to say after this reply I stopped all communication and haven’t seen or spoken to them since. They have made no attempt to contact me either so they obviously weren’t bothered.
I had supported this person through a major change in their life so had thought this would be reciprocated.
I have found those who have experienced cancer are much more supportive and I have new friends now. Most agree that saying people are scared of the word cancer or afraid the worst is going to happen to you haven’t lived in your shoes. It’s not then who have been diagnosed with cancer, you have and are living it now.
Do what is best for you.
Thanks for pointing me to this post, it is very helpful 
It is such an important concern and I’m glad people are talking about it. Sometimes it is the hardest thing to face, to feel abandoned by people.
I’m not sure what I could say or do to get them to understand. My issue is with my family and so it’s hard to walk away. I like that it is possible to make new friends though. I’ve not been to any local groups as yet but I will do soon.
I’m lucky I have one solid person, but without him I would feel very alone indeed.
Thanks xx 
It is seriously tough @boobtube1 . But life is always changing and friendships constantly change. So making new friends who understand can only be a good thing.
Family are tricky, they dont always behave the way we expect. But as the saying goes… We cant choose our family members, but we can choose our friends.
People are people, whether via a family or a friendship. The good people stay true whatever side they come from.
Ive accessed my local cancer charity and everyone there has been lovely.
Never feel lonely, just hop on to this Forum, and there is always someone to chat to. We are a wonderful Community. And we all “get it”.
Thank you, I try not to feel lonely. I actually love my own company, but the abandonment feels like grief, which hurts. I can cope with the cancer much better than the ghosting. I maybe need some counselling to work through it as I find it so upsetting.
Thank you xx
Counselling sounds like a good idea @boobtube1 . The feelings induced from Ghosting are real and tough, and definately relate to a loss/grief. But I guess also complicated by the feelings of betrayal, hurt and confusion.
Its a tricky one as sometime people do come out of their closets and start to communicate again. But its when we are in the unknown of, will they speak again, or wont they, that its even more confusing and painful. Us Humans are so complicated. We dont always behave the way we think we should.
Theres also BCNow Someone Like Me Volunteers. They are wonderful to talk to. And there may be one who has had a similar experience.
But MacMillan have a wellbeing phone line, where you can just talk through worries until you can access a Counsellor. I know people on the MacMillan Forum have posted about Ghosting.
Sending you love and strength.
Thanks Poppy, you are very kind and your words mean alot.
It is so akin to grief as it is a close family member doing it. She may come back online at some point, probably will, when it’s all over, as you say, but right now it hurts more than anything.
I have a someone like me buddy but I need to reach out again. Will try Macmillan too and I think I’ll go to a local support group if I can as well. Trying to keep away from crowds etc as in chemo but I’ll just make sure I’m super careful.
Really appreciate your help and good luck in your journey too
Xx
Yes, the more you can talk it through with others the easier it will be @boobtube1 .
But it is a loss, and the pain is real.
Ive been to cafes etc “carefully” on chemo. I just used a face mask more, which helped.
I also went at quiet times to shops and cafes. Or sat outside.
But specialist groups tend to be good, as people mainly know not to attend if they are poorly.
I had cancer counselling, but had phone sessions when I caught a bad cold.
The only time I was at risk was in the NHS Transport Taxis going to Radiotherapy. The Hospital didnt want patients missing Radiotherapy, so told people they had to attend even with viral infections. So a man was full of a viral infection in the taxi and didnt wear a mask
. Taxis are a tiny closed box. Nowhere to get away from someone. Consequently I caught his infection. 
But generally masks help a lot.
Sending you love and strength.
Oh no, how typical you caught an infection that way. I hope you recovered quickly.
I think we are all better at infection control since the pandemic which is really good. I don’t think some people get how vulnerable cancer patients are though. I am trying to take walks and go to park cafes where I can sit outside now. That way I get fresh air and company but limit my exposure. I might even take my own mug.
I’m only halfway through my chemo and it’s November so the worst time. Still we might get a nice autumn / winter given the summer we’ve had.
I think it might be that until chemo is over I’ll need to do online / phone support but that’s ok, as long as I can access people who feel the same. It helps to know it’s not just me (although I hate that others are going through it, of course).
Thank you so much xx
Yes its not good at all @boobtube1 . Should never happen in truth. . But sadly its far more common than we think.
I did a lot of telephone contacts when on Chemo. It helped a lot. All the charity support is via Phone calls. So that makes life easier. But its nice wrapping up and going for coffee and cakes at local cafes with outside areas. Garden centres are great for that.
Re the man: he passed a comment about his viral infection in the taxi … “Im more at risk because Im on chemo and my immune system is shot at”…. That was as he sat in the taxi with two women on chemo with wrecked immune systems. All of us having radiotherapy.
People simply do not behave the way we think they should do they. Even ones with the same conditions as ourselves.
Sending you strength and hugs.
In hospital waiting rooms/corridors …you find people coughing and sneezing with no mask …annoys me and some patients with very poor hygiene . I do appreciate that we all have different home circumstances but there seems to be no appreciation of a hospital environment/ patients with lots of infections to be aware of ( MRSA etc) I will move straight away if i can … when i was in hospital recently visitors ignored the instructions of ’ no more than 2 visitors’ & sitting on beds …the staff didn’t enforce the rules either …i wouldn’t have minded but the visitors ( 4) where chatting amongst themselves and hardly spoke to the patient …
Interesting post and I feel the same as you …i have very little support from immediate family ( will help when I ask …but nothing else). Can be confusing and lonely. however when my cousin had breast cancer i didn’t offer any support ( didn’t know what to say) . However a year later I was in hospital with 2BC ( massive shock) my cousin was the first to visit …which was amazing to be able to chat to her about my condition. When another family member had skin cancer, I felt comfortable talking to her and when she asked if i could send her my medical history ( she was investigating if genetics had a factor) i was really pleased i could help out. It is interesting who offers support. I am now medically retired and have allot of free time ( easy to dwell). i did go to support groups but I feel stable and even though they where amazing support i felt I wasn’t for me at this time …
I focus on what i can/enjoy doing and get on with it ( on crutches!). thankyou for your post …you are not on your own with your feelings Good luck with your treatment
Its a tricky one as Trusts have become very apathetic since Covid @jennifert74 . Which is a huge concern.
However, I did ring the Complaints team to put through a “Concern” about the risk to vulnerable patients in NHS Transport. The other lady in my taxi was seriously weak and unwell with chemo and radiotherapy.
The man I spoke to acknowledged it was a health concern re: NHS Transport, and was going to look into trying to promote the use of masks in especially, taxis. 
Personally I feel, the more we are encouraged to wear masks in hospitals etc, the more peer pressure will encourage the negligent ones to do the same. Presently, Ive often been the only one wearing a mask, and staff look at me as if I am being attention seeking. Which is uncomfortable. Thats in the Oncology Unit as well where we are all immune compromised. .
Around our hospitals there are huge signs saying NoSmoking on hospital grounds. There is one Hospital Bus Stop outside the main building entrance, on hospital grounds. I can never wait in there as Hospital Staff use it to smoke in. One day there were 3 of them with others.
I asked them not to smoke because I was having chemo, and they just carried on. “They” Looked affronted.
Ive had to stand in the rain numerous times. Even though my immune system is shot at.
I also put in a written concern about that as well. But it feels like that went into a Black Hole.
Its a tough one.
It should never happen, you’re correct, but you’re right people behave in the most bizarre ways. Can’t believe that taxi driver.
Yes, I’ll reach to people via helplines etc. Its important to get that support especially when you feel isolated by chemo. And yes, when I’m out and about I’ve found garden centres are fab places 
I’m going on a walk tomorrow and there’s a park cafe so I can have a coffee there while being super careful.
Really appreciate your kind words, it really helps.
Take care
Very true, I like to avoid hospitals where I can. My Oncology ward seems a little more on it, but I’ve never been as ill as I have when hanging about in a hospital for days on end.
So true about the smoking. At my hospital, the “no smoking” area is the smoking area. I don’t think they get the irony.
Re smoking areas…Madness isnt it @boobtube1 .
I wish they would just make a designated area, then everyone else can avoid it, but we can point smokers in the right direction.
Sadly it was a patient in the taxi who was the problem. He should have known better. But…people are people and they dont always have good empathy, do they.
Annoying thing was hed complained about a taxi driver doing something he didnt agree with, yet, as a patient, he was infecting everyone he had contact with.
The NHS solution was to offer Covid Injections . There is an easier solution…masks…
.
Enjoy your coffee stops at garden centres. They put life in perspective dont they. 
