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Hi all, right you might think I’m a bit a barmy but do any of you feel the same, is it anniversarys or just the fact Ive been finalising accts for football club audit and helping out at work but I am so really bloody knackered, have not stopped yawning away at work this week and even had to have chocolate today, a couple of in the know work mates asked if I was OK, then I realised tonight it was 2 years ago this week I was virtually in a coma with my nuetropenia scare and score of 0.01. Blimey how time flies but seriously think I am having 2 year anniv phantom knackardness symptons as was feeling the same around diagnoses aniv but put that down to recon and also went downhill a bit in feb which would have been anniv of starting FEC but put that down to going back to work after recon, this is now anniv of Tax. Perhaps its just coincidence and I am a silly imaginative fool but I reckon perhaps it might be true. Anyway thats enough warbling from me, hope you lot are doing OK, Kate keep busy and they are all R at some times.

Love Debs XXXXXXX

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I’ve replied to this and it’s disappeared. Now I’ll have to think what I wrote and if I can improve upon it!!!
I’m not sure if it’s the weather that is also getting us down - I feel so much better when the sun is out!!!
I keep thinking about what we were doing this time last year. We were busy going to and fro to see Moira. Hard to believe that is nearly a year ago now. Keep feeling she is haunting me - dreamt about Moira last night - end up feeling very spooked by it.
It is also my 3 yr anniversary from diagnosis so all feels very odd.
Very tired - all in house got colds etc and they keep waking me up in the night. A friend bought me lunch to the house so that has helped today but still got to be out to take son out for his scout competition preparation tonight and tomorrow. At least I can lie in tomorrow before driving off to orthodontist about a 45min drive away.
Think we need to get together and see if I can miss the train again - seem to be making a habit of this and it’s not the alcohol!!!
Hope everyone is OK really and that we can get together soon
Kate

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Well after feeling quite upbeat yesterday, today I’ve gone downhill fast.Yesterday, despite feeling I was starting a chest infection, I thought I would be OK till Septemberish so I saw the GP anyway who said my chest was clear.
Today, I managed to drive a 40 mile return trip to the orthodontist for my son but since having a sleep this afternoon where I woke up choking several times, my breathing has deteriorated to such an extent I think I may well be using oxygen overnight - something I’ve not done since the end of December. I’ve used the nebuliser as well and still am wheezy. I’ve got antibiotics tonight but have to hope they work as usually these things are viral and I really don’t want to be admitted again especially as it is Bank Holiday weekend and my sister is coming down and we’ve got other nice things planned and it is my youngest’s birthday on the 10th.
I am really scared right now and I can’t believe the speed I’ve gone downhill today but I suppose at least I’m not coughing up blood like last time. My chest is painful but I don’t have a temperature so hospital want to leave it at present!!!
If I don’t post for a while you know where I’ve gone and I’ll text you but hopefully I’ll be OK - just in a bad place emotionally and physically right now!
Will update post in morning.
Kate

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Oh kate they have dropping like flies at my work this week with all sorts of nasty bugs, lets hope you just caught one of them and will be back to shopping fit before you know it.

I have finished packing for weekend at butlins (well apart from what I have just washed and all my morning make up etc) so wont be checking in for a few days, lets hope the boys score some goals and this bloody weather makes it mind up, have had to pack loads.
This trip has reminded me of Moira again, last year we stopped enroute and it was the last time I saw her, f**k this f*****g disease.

Kate if you need chat, call or text me.

Love you all Debs XXXXXXX

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Kate,

oh dear- just when you felt you had your head round it all the b*stard does that. Hope you are feeling better. Take it easy.

Debs i know what you mean. Anni’s are wierd. You know moira’s sister said she was scared that she would be forgotten- I dont think so moira !! My dx date will always be overtaken by H’s birthday thank goodness.

We are going camping this weekend are we mad!!

Also girls have my very first car ever!! How scary is that! and how expensive is it to insure in peckham!!!

Kate will text you to see how you are.

Thank you gg for your kind words about my friend.

xxsam

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well i know i should be in bed but after a nearly wheeze free day as long as i did things slowly, have become very chesty tonight so sitting here with nebuliser again which is doing the job!! Only trouble is it makes me hyper which at 2350 at night is not ideal!!
Felt better this morning and went out with friend for lunch and then pottered round a garden centre so have come back with even more plants for oh to plant out!!
I dread to think about car insurance in peckham - overdraft time is it? Camping - who knows - could be good!!!
Kate

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Kate, Hope you feel a bit better soon. Thinking of you

from a fellow hants hog xxx

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Hey ladies

Sorry been bit busy this end! So sorry long post heading your way…

Kate i have just dropped you a text hun after events catch up! Id love to go chessington but cant go on any rides at all cause of back. I hope your breathing has got better hun i cant imagine how frightening it is for you, i get scared when my bloods drop and i get breathless! I keep trying to get to Southampton to see you but im not getting out the house at all at the moment!

Tracey i get tired just reading about your adventures ladyfriend! Wish i was up to a run! im really missing the gym and swimming at the moment.

Debs my brain is shot to buggery so i cant remember owt anyway! But do remember this time last year i was driving back and forth to see moira. I think we all…well i know im scared of people forgetting me but thats what we do ive lost a boyfriend in a road accident and relatives that i adore and i dont think about them everyday but they’re there.

Sammy what car did you get chick?? For Peckham you need to get it pimped up innit! Your insurance must be mega??

Well me…my hairs now coming out but its lasted longer then on FEC! thought i was gonna get lucky for one minute. Its not clumps just started to thin so i may only loose what i did before fingers crossed hey. Been buying hats offa ebay all fun. Ive had so many people say lately that they really like my hair. IIIII really like my hair too thanks!!! Im gutted its took me two years to grow it back and now ive got to endure horrible F in hair on top of being in pain and feeling like shite generally!

On top of that…Ive got a pea sized lump appeared under my armpit on the side i had the mast so was upset about that i dont like lumps :frowning: itll have to wait till Friday I see my oncologist after the bloods have been taken…can I insist that they remove it??

Tax two on friday should be glad its another out of the way but can only curse the thing. No problems with my portacath forgot it was there the other night and woke Vikki up saying “ive got a strange vein thing appeared in my chest!” then woke up properly and remembered it was my line from the port to the vein. Im glad I had it done though!

To be honest ladies Im really struggling at the moment, I think the hair and lump things are really pushing me to my limit. Plus im sick of feeling like the 5th wheel with my mates. They’re all out there clubbing and going on adventure holidays and meeting down the pub to watch matches and getting hammered and im like the great aunt or nan you mom tells you pop in on and see is alright! What can I talk to my mates about?? I don’t do anything other than sleep if im not working. So we talk about how ill or not im feeling fun hey. That’s it. I (like the rest of you) wana be worrying about things people my age relationships and have I got the new in hair do! Instead I feel like a F in zombie, in limbo waiting for the other shoe to drop is the only way I can describe it. I think because Im still getting over my back op and the pain from that, before I was like yeah yeah got cancer getting treated ignore it…this time because ive had 6 months of sheer agony and feel like ive lost most of the year going through chemo again I just feel like im stuck in a big pit and I cant get out of it…or like ive constantly got a HUGH black cloud over my head and wonder if I will ever be happy again before this kills me. Iv never admitted before im scared of dying cause I always joke it off but I am scared and I don’t want my life to end cause I don’t believe in after life and seeing people again I just think that’s it. I love my family and friends and I wana grow old with them all and go to bingo and get a purple rinse. Im 31 and I feel like my life has been ripped away from me. I wanted to enjoy my last 2 years of being in my 20s before I started playing grown up…well as close to one as I was ever gonna get.

Im sorry to go on just needed a blast to you guys cause you know better than anyone hey and I feel bad for going on when I know there are people in worse situations…i think every couple of months I have to vent… Im trying to arrange to do things but my back restricts a lot of stuff plus im so tired and im back to work PT (work is awhole waffle thread that will come at a later date im cross with that too), im just bored constantly mourning my life I guess.

After all that moaning I need a brew. Take care you lot. Get a date sorted out and ill try and sort myself out for it my next chemo date after this one is the 30th May unless anything goes wrong, so week after chemo im not available but second week after fine.

Love to all
lynn

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Blimey lynn- you have had it tough girl you really have. I’m glad of just one thing, that you can come on here and be honest about it. I dont know wether to cry or rage at the injustice of it all. I dont know about removing armpit lumps- I suppose they biopsy them and its not that much more to take it out it its that size.

Are you not getting out 'cos of the back, or are you done in on the taxotere?

We can come and see you if you are not up to much.

Kate glad the nebuliser is keeping it under control. Just had to bite the bullet re the car insurance, had such a brill time camping that want to go loads now. H had such a fab time, running around with my mate’s kids it was just lovely. Steve felt tearful cos he never got to do anything like that, and is so pleased to be doing it for H.

take care girls, esp lynn and Kate

xxsam

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Lynn - You’ve been dealt a rough set of cards in life. I’m sorry the tax is making you so bad. It sounds as if your back is still causing you lots of problems as well. I’d be as upset and felt cheated if I’d developed cancer at your age. I know I was out enjoying myself then - actually at your age I’d just met OH so my life was changing but positively. You should feel free to rant as it is unfair and you are losing a year of your life through the ops and chemo. Tax was definatly the worst chemo for me - FEC and everything else I’ve had have been nowhere as bad at all. Just keep counting down is all you can do and tell the onc what’s happened this cycle and maybe you need a dose reduction. Hopefully, you will finish this chemo with good results and can have a break and get back to living the good life.
Don’t worry about coming down to me - I can still travel to you as long as it is the right week or else we meet in central London.
Losing hair is so upsetting - i know I’m dreading it when I start taxol later. Nothing anybody can say will make that better.
Thinking about your lump - aren’t recons prone to fatty lumps or scar tissue. Hopefully, they’ll fine needle biopsy it and it will be OK.
Sorry I didn’t reply to text - had family down yesterday and been at friends bbq today and my brain just forgot to contact you and several others by the look of my inbox. I have to keep lists now of what I’m suppposed to be doing or else i miss doing things - feel like my mum with short term memory loss and my nan with my walking stick and getting out of breath and needing to sit down!!
Today. everyone else was playing footie or badminton and all i could do was sit and then I regurgitated the hot dog. Good job there were lots of trees in this place - amazing how many people can appear not to be watching but you know they are really.
Hope this tax goes better for you
Sam - my hubby gets upset about the sort of things we do or used to do that he never did as a child. He never rode a bike till he was 17 and never had local friends and gets upset that our kids can play out in the street with friends all their age and they have bikes and we go out for trips to the sea and countryside etc whereas his family did nothing apart from a once a year cararvan holiday. Glad the camping went well. Did H sleep well?Have been so much better today after a really rough spell late last night and now wheezy again but think its my body’s way of saying go to bed!!
Everyone else - any dates or ideas where to meet and hope you are all Ok
Kate

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Lynn I’m in with Sammy and Kate, we can come to you.

I have quite often said to OKH that I so feel for you and Trace both being in your twenties when getting this crap, you 2 getting BC was the same age I became a mum, you have been dealt bad cards and its only right you feel P*ssed and robbed, you should be out clubbing and having mad holidays and grow old with your mates and family, although finding it very hard to imagine you with you a blue rinse playing bingo. Do you think the lump may be the Tax, it does all sorts to your body, it may also be making your back flare up, its pure poison. Hope that huge black cloud blows away soon but like the others say, you know you can vent it all out to us, I still only discuss my fears with you lot, I just cant talk about it to my girlfriends or family.

Sammy we love camping, the kids think it a huge adventure and well done on getting a car, you will going every good weekend now.

We are back from butlins, drinks was so expensive, spent far too much money, the boys team did so much beter than last year they were so made up, so it worth it, although quite a few of us came down with dodgy tummies, have just done 3rd load of washing and am knackered. but caught the sun it wasn’t the washout we were expecting.

If we meet can we do before end of the month, as we are off again.

Love to you all Debs XXXXXXX

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Hi guys

Just a quickie and they are being hot on computers again at work!!! And have had a bollocking by email - they cant even do it face to face!
Lyn am in total agreement with others and i no its s**t but lets keep everything crossed that once ur done with the tax we will have that night out in turnmills…
Am sending both you and kate lots of love as if im honest i just dont know what to say to you guys i am so sad and angry for you both, it does my head in when i think of what you are both going through, so if i dont always say the right thing its cos i just dont no what to say.

Not having the best time either. Zoladex is due to finish in november and have been told that may now need ovaries out, i just cant deal with anymore…i no its nothing compared to u guys but kids are the one thing i have always been certain of wanting and to have that taken away…there just arent words. I no i can adopt and if i hear one more person say it i think i may have to give them a black eye…they dont understand…ITS NOT THE F**KING SAME…its so easy for them they all have their brand new babies and some on there way to their second, and i no if i dont do this i am in the high risk group for it returning and if it does i cant have the kids anyway…cant think about it anymore, its all B****cks.

Am gonna go before i start bawling again.
Speak soon.xxx

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Hi

I my name is Sam, just had 1st herceptin after chemo, surgery & radiotheraphy. I noticed that one of the girls has problems with infections and i was woundering if anyone had heard of Life Mel honey from Victoria Health. I was the only one of 4 of us who sat together whos blood was never lower than 8, if you read the info on the website it might be of ionterest to you, the Daily Mail has also written articles about the benefits, worked for me so you never know the honey may help.

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Trace - I sort of understand about you are saying about babies. I had 15 months of fertility treatment and with each unsuccessful cycle, my heart felt it would break - I really did get terrible chest pain and it did literally feel my heart would break. Everyone hid their pregnancies from me which in some ways made it worse and as you say everyone says ‘you can adopt’ but it’s not the same. I can’t give you any advice or know what to say to you - in the same way you find it difficult to say things to me. Would you be eligible for egg donation IVF and do you have anybody that would be prepared to donate eggs if you are eligible? My knowledge about this is very sketchy but I know there are various websites and support groups that maybe of help to you. It sounds like you need to talk this through with someone who specialises in this field.
Debs - glad you enjoyed Butlins and I daren’t think about the drinks bills there as I remember everything food and drink related was so expensive. Glad the footie went well.
Hope everyone else is OK

Cassi/Sam - I love honey so will look at website. Thanks for that.

Kate

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Hey kate
Thanks for that. No unfortunately there are no options left as saw a fertility specialist before starting chemo and ivf etc are no go due to agressiveness of tumor and the oestrogen injections i would need.
My cousin is also an embryologist and works in harley street. I have had numerous chats with her and she agrees it would be far too risky for me.
My heart is breaking and every time i see someone with a new baby it breaks even more, im driving myself mad and am a bit of a mess at the moment, i no compared to what you are going thro this is nothing but to me it is everything. I always new this may happen so why am i finding it so hard to deal with?
Trace

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Trace I am so sorry. It sounds so desperate and I think you have to let yourself grieve otherwise you will pop with all this emotion. People mean well and want to take away the hurt but its more honest to say it’s awful and I feel like debs and kate it is very unfair that you and lynn got this cr*p in your 20’s. Too too young and I thank the gods or whatever that i found my lump when I was already pregnant not before.

Will text you

love to the rest of the gg

xxsam

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Have decided there is no god and i must have just been a really bad person in a past life

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Trace - do you get counselling? Is there anybody you can turn to for support? As Sam says you’ll just pop if you don’t give yourself time to grieve properly. It is ‘normal’ that even when you know something is going to happen, reality doesn’t strike home till it actually happens. I mean that we all think we’ve come to terms with something and mentally ‘put it in a box’ then something happens and you realise that actually it was just in ‘a box in our brain’ somewhere and somebody has opened that box for you again. That sounds even more like psychobabble!!
You are not a bad person now or in the past so get rid of that thought right now. I can’t think of anything to say to help you but I know blaming yourself isn’t the answer.
I think we all live a ‘head in sand’ sort of life cos the alternative is too hard to live with on a day to day basis.
For people not to allow you to grieve over this is not doing you any good and wouldn’t happen if you’d lost your leg or something, they’d be sympathetic then so they should be sympathetic to your loss now of not being able to have children. Please see if there is anyone you can talk this over with. Doesn’t your consultant realise how had you are finding this. They have a duty of care to you and in my mind that would mean psychological care as well as medical care.Push for it or get someone else to push for it for you. Take care Trace - this is a huge hurdle and shouldn’t just be dismissed as something trivial by other people.
To make things worse, I think tomorrow is the first anniversary of Moira’s passing or have I got this wrong
all my love to you all GG
Kate

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hi girls,
just wanted to pop on really quickly as i know i have’nt been on for some time. i’m having a tough time at the mo, hubby leaving and being bullied at work.
sorry i’ve been so crap but finding it all a bit too much at the mo.
i’m am still here tho so if anyone needs anything then please shout!
(Trace, i’ve seen the genetist and i too have to have my ovaries out)
Take care girls and sorry for being a crap friend but dont want to burden you with my worries when you have so many of your own
lots of love,
claire xxx

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Claire good to see checking back in, sad to hear you and hubby still splitting, how are the boys taking it, as for work, bullied as in how?? I thought you enjoyed it there and liked your work mates.

Trace, I cant figure it out, (not with my stats), I asked once re having my ovaries out, Onc wont even consider it, I think Ive told you before she calls it chemical castration, is it because you are you still bleeding or have you considered 2nd opinion, like the others have said you are not a bad person, its just this BC cr*p and the extra ducking crap that comes along with it. It must be like bereavement being told you cant have kids, I just cant comprehend it and still to this day dont know what is worse, I did have a big chat with an old mate of mine in the Churchill chemo suite, she was having virtually her last treatment (aged 38) for an in-operable brain tumour and I was on herceptin, there we were the 2 youngest and she was pretty much like us, basically we were telling it how it was and she was so gutted she never had kids but same time knew she was dying and didnt know what would be worse dying without kids or dying and saying good bye to them, she had lost her mum to BC when she was quite young and was also stuck in relationship she knew was too late to get out of, think Kate and Sammy may be right in advising counselling, you have quite lot going on right now. But remember we all love and care for you and you can call on us anytime. what are those dates again you are in Towcester, will def try and get over, or meet half way.

Kate, Lynn and Sammy love you lot too, and yes Kate you are right, Moira’s 1st Aniv tomorrow, Im going to bed now as dont want to be up clock watching at 12.00 - shall we all have glass of ozzie red tomorrow to toast our dearly missed australian mate and each other as truly GG friends forever.

Debs XXXXXXX