I recently came home from uni for a family event and after my mum told me that she had breast cancer. Im completely devastated and even two days later it still hasnt really sunken in. I am supposed to be going back to uni on sunday but feel so guilty for leaving her. I also feel really clingy to her all of a sudden and want to spend all my time with her and now im dreading going back to uni, even though i have just settled into my first year and am enjoying it. i havent really got anyone at uni im close enough that i’d want to talk to them about it yet and the idea of going back for a few months and not seeing my mum knowing now what shes going to makes me so upset. shes putting on a brave face and telling my family not to worry but i think she must be really scared
i dont really have a topic or question to post about just wondered if anyone was in the same sitiation or had some advise.
Hoping that someone contacts you in your position. I am in your Mum’s place of going through treatment while my daughter has just started uni. I know she worries about me but I just want her to be happy at uni and your Mum will feel the same. One of the nicest things my daughter does is send little and often messages via Facebook that make me feel loved. Plus go and talk to tutor or someone at uni so they know you are stressed and may need a bit of care yourself. Wishing you and your Mum all the best. xxx
I was in EXACTLY your position last year. I came home from my first semester of my first year at university for Christmas, and my Mum told me she had breast cancer. Like you, I was completely devastated and I didn’t know how I would go back to university.
I had to go back to uni just before her chemo started and I was dreading it. Eventually, I realised that staying at home and worrying wouldn’t do anything to help my Mum get better, and all she wanted was for me to continue with my degree - there were plenty of people at home to care for her and she was always at the other end of the phone/skype (my uni is 200 miles from home).
I told a few friends at university via facebook before I went back to let them know that I wouldn’t be myself for a while and they were amazing about it. Going back was difficult, but to be honest, being away from home served as a good distraction. I do musical theatre, and we were straight into rehearsals for our end of year production, so I was always busy. I spoke to my tutor and she was brilliant. She understood if I ever had to leave the room or take phone calls.
Of course, there were times when I was terrified or just wanted to go home, and there will be for you too. However, your Mum will need you to stay strong and carry on with what you’re doing - it will help her to know that you’re OK.
I remember telling my daughter nearly a year ago when she was home on a visit and I know she felt the same as you. She has finished uni but works in London while I live near Edinburgh. I know she took it hard not being around and I felt bad for her. However we both got through it and you will too. Your Mum will understand that life has to go on. My daughter texted and phoned me all the time and I appreciated that.
My daughter was in exactly the same position as you almost a year ago when I was diagnosed. She’s just signed up to the forums so that she can reply to you but as she’s a new member her post has to be moderated first.
Just to let you know there’s a post from her on its way!
Hi danni - sorry to hear that mum is in this position. Like the other ladies my daughter was away from home when I was dx 2 years ago. I agree that your mum will be scared and as a mum she will not want you to worry (it’s our job after all to protect our children) but I think you should take the lead from your mum . As southernlucy says the little message and thoughtful gestures will really help while you are not with her. Good luck to you both. xx
Hi Danni,
Another ‘‘Same’’!! My son was in first year when I told him 7 months ago. I felt bad that I was so wrapped up in my own thing at a time that was full of changes and challenges for him; it’s the moment we all work towards, standing back and letting our children fly!- but one of the best things was seeing how well he coped - I felt(and still do) very proud and successful- because seeing your kids go out into the world is what it’s all about .He bought me the box-set of Zena Warrior Princess (I love that show!)which really made me laugh.
Everything has worked out fine - as it often does,remember.Don’t get caught up in time and energy wasting guilt -do well ,look after your self ,I bet your Mum is so proud of you.
Hi Danni,another same,my daughter was in her second year ,and yes as a mam you want to protect your children,I was so wrapped up with chemo’s and found it was better for me that she was with good friends in uni and I didn’t have to worry about her seeing me when I felt ill ,we just text and talked on the phone,my 25 year old son was still living at home and it was hard for him,But it’s all over now ,and my daughter is in Canada working for a year and my son has bought a house,so you don’t have to be at home with your mam she’ll know you love her and she’ll feel so proud when you get your degree,Good luck to you both xx
I know it must sound silly but all your comments have been so helpful and I just feel so much better knowing i have other people out there who have beent through the same situation. I going back to uni this afternoon and have told a friend from my halls about the situation whos bringing round chocolate and dvds this evening
My mum said she’s got a test in a few weeks or she gets test results in a few weeks to find out what course of treatment she will be getting. Does anyone know what that means???
I’m so pleased you have found so much support through this forum.
I thought I would just let you know that our helpline is available for friends and family as well as the person directly affected by breast cancer, so if you need to talk to someone they are there for information and support. The opening times are 9-5 weekdays and 9-2 on Saturdays, 0808 800 6000. All calls are free and confidential.
And now my daughter’s post has appeared above mine!!
Dannii, trust me, there’s nothing silly about how you’re feeling and just to emphasise something we say on here almost daily - THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS A SILLY QUESTION!!! If you need to know anything, just ask us or the lovely BCC folks.
Re. the tests - it’s possible that your mum has had, or is going to have, some biopsies done. They take a small piece of the tumour out with a needle to examine it under a microscope. This tells them exactly what sort of cancer it is, how rapidly it’s dividing, whether it’ll respond to hormone treatment etc. and helps them to decide on exactly what treatment to give. It usually takes a couple of weeks to get the results of this although sometimes it’s a lot quicker.
She might also have some scans as well (CT, MRI and bone scans - she might have one or two of these) and maybe a heart scan. This is very, very common so don’t panic if she has them.
Do give the helpline a ring if you feel it would help, and talk to your tutors at uni so that they know your emotions will up and down and you’ll need more support.
We had to ring my brother whilst he was finishing up his assignments for the Xmas break. My mum was diagnosed on 14th Dec. My brother found Xmas break really hard. He felt really guilty all the time because (and I will no doubt be shot for this) The diagnosis came at the most inconvieniant time. All he wanted to do was rush home but he had deadlines to meet before the Xmas break. I just wanted to stay at my mums side at all times but I’m a restaurant manager and Xmas is the most important time of the year. And my poor mum had only been in a new job for a week. But the guilt is so overwhelming. You want to be there to do something. But you cant be there. And theres nothing you can do. It’s horrible. The only thing you can do is do whatever you can to make her smile. Use the time at uni to not think about it too much. Focus on your degree to take your mind of it. But text her or ring her whenever. It’s not all about deep and morbid chats. Buy her a silly gift. I got my mum some slippers that are like bear feet to wear when she has to do ovenights in hospital.
Ps. Don’t forget to think about yourself - if your mum is anything like mine she will not want you worry too much. (That’s their job ;P)
I had a son in his second year of uni. I would echo the idea that you must let your tutor know. Maybe also see the counselling service. Dont feel that you must go through this on your own. It may or may not affect you in ways you wouldnt predict and people, when they know youve got a problem, can be very flexible and understanding. Your mum will be in good hands and will keep you up to date with whats going on. Dont dwell on what shes going through,or over imagine, just stick to the facts. They will examine her thoroughly and do everything possible to make her well again.I`m now three years post treatment with no evidence that anything “untoward” is going on!
Be open, be brave, dont hide how you feel and Good Luck!
Yeah, hang on in there and enjoy your course, and make sure your mum can skype! Tutors, counsellors etc are there on campus to help you and will make allowances if you feel a bit stressy or your assignment is late because you got tangled up in her surgery. Mums are there at home to make a fuss of you when you come home (and also to nag you occasionally, some things don’t change!) and we love it when you do all those little things!
If you don’t drive, make it your business to learn if at all possible. It’s just so very, very useful. and if you can get A-levels, you can understand a washing machine should that be the other way around?
Depending on your position in the family, if you are an elder, you might be able to take a weekend at home with the younger sibs so your parents can get away together? Being at a bit of a distance and a sounding board for Dad is a useful thing too. Mums usually have a good overview of the family and keep an eye out for everyone, but it’s easy to lose this and get all wrapped up in the cancer stuff so that’s another practial idea.
My mum was diagnosed with cancer and I was still doing my undergrad then. It was pretty hard to see her in pain after her chemo and radiotherapy but we got through it all. I realized what mum really wants is for me to not just do well, but be excellent in my career. That gives her the most satisfaction knowing that her illness has not affected my life. So do you best, focus on your career and TALK to her everyday. I talk all kinds of silly stuff with her, except the cancer. Sometimes I feel what a coward I am but then it takes her mind off it and probably there isnt anything we can do. I dont know… Sometimes I feel incredibly guilty about not researching more online on her disease and pursuing all these cancer cure rumors flying about. Maybe there is a grain of truth in one of these. Whatever there is, I guess my main duty is to make sure my mum is happy all the time. And whenever the pains come up, I try to stay positive and pray.
Hope this helps.
Dear Aditi
As a recently diagnosed mum with a 16 yr old doing GCSEs at the moment, I was very touched by your post. Like your mum, my biggest fear is the impact on my daughter’s exams and her longer term prospects so I am trying to get to the point with her where we have fun and relax together talking about the silly things rather than the dreaded gremlin. This helps her relax and I feel much happier as well. I have also made it clear to her that I don’t want her trawling the Internet as so much info on cancer is out of date and misleading. Also, each cancer and each persons treatment is so individual so better to go with what my own plan is and don’t panic by reading something that may not be appropriate.
So, my advice to you and any others in your situation would be to be there as you are for mum, have those fun chats, however mundane they may seem and keep making her proud. Hard work will also help keep you occupied during the difficult times.
Very best wishes xxxx
