As some of you will know, I started a new job at the beginning of the year and I had such high hopes for this. I am still undergoing Herceptin treatment until April and I made sure my employers knew about all this when I took the job. Unfortunately my breast clinic appointments came round 2 months overdue as well, so I have only had 1 week in the past month where I have had no time off for hospital stuff.
The problem I have got is that I (wrongly) assumed that because this was a new job and because I was different from the others they were taking on in the team on account of my health issues, the organisation would be spending time on training. I had said at the interview that because I was a returner I would benefit from training. All I get from the lady who is my line manager is that she will show me how to do things when I have to deal with them, but she is based in a different office. I spent 2 1/2 days in her office doing nothing before I was handed over to my boss who thought the training was being done at the beginning. It’s in a college where they have a lot of meetings and the papers relating to them have to be turned round within 2 days, but I’m just being told about things as they come up. As I’m on a temp contract I plan to go in tomorrow to tell them I want to leave as I don’t feel this is working out and it’s really eroding my confidence. I’m just expected to know how they work and it’s like wading through treacle. I’ve gone from being confident to a nervous wreck within the space of 3 weeks.
I feel very fragile at the moment and am planning to ask my oncologist on Tuesday if I can get some professional help like counselling. I’m so disappointed and guess I’m a lot more fragile than I thought I was, I did so well throughout my treatment now I feel I’ve jumped in too deep with this job. I’ve been in bed every weekend and have spent this weekend in tears most of the time. OH can’t handle the fact I’m like this. I don’t know if I would be better just to leave and do voluntary work for a bit, I feel I have been wiped out mentally and it’s affecting me physically.
Hi cherub,
you poor thing no wonder your exhausted and a nervous wreck, being dx, going through surgery, treatments and still on Herceptin…and starting a new job…which to be quite honest it doesn’t sound as if your getting much support from employers.
I think you are expecting too much of yourself, and probably wanted to return to work to have a sense of normality in your life again.
Don’t be disappointed with yourself, you have nothing to be disappointed about…you tried…and basiclly its too much at the moment…or the wrong job for you.
If a jobs making you feel so low its definetly not worth it…if you afford financially to not work for a while then I would say hand in your notice and leave asap…your health is much more important.
The counselling has got to be worth trying.
Lots of people have felt like you when returning to work…especially to a new job…my friend was in a situation practicly identical to you…although she was not on Herceptin…had the same problem with training etc., she called it a day…it was effecting her physically and mentally…to the point she had a complete breakdown.
Do let me know what you decide…though I think you know what you need to do.
You are an inspiration with everything you have gone through do not let anything knock your confidence, you must be a strong character to take on a new job with everything else thats been going on in your life, do not be hard on yourself hon.
Like Karen says if you can afford to jack it in do so, are you in a union? I work for a union and our dx brings us under the DDA Act so employers have to be extremly careful how they deal with us so go for advice if you can.
Cherub, it surprises me that no-one is helping you. I would have thought colleges of all places would be more helpful. Surely your line manager would help you if you went in and explained how you feel. It is a shame to pack it in you were so looking forward to it. I started work in October after 12 months and it was wonderful, but it was my old job and everyone has been great. I too am on herceptin but can work my shifts round it, but never mind about having time off for appointments. You must NOT feel bad about this. Bet your collegues are glad it’s not them and if they aren’t then they should be. My confidence is not as it was and I feel vulnerable because I don’t like my head. hair eyelashes etc. It is difficult for you as the people at work didn’t know you before bc. Try not to do anything hasty. I am very good at giving advice but a sneaky feeling tells me that I’d probably go in and tell 'em what to do with the job. ha ha only kidding. Hope you are not too worked up about it tonight. Let us know how you go on love Eileen
Hi Cherub,
I am sorry you’re feeling so disappointed in your job, and it seems to be undermining your confidence. Like people have said, you are a tough cookie to have taken on a new job with all you’ve been through ( and are still going through) and you have a lot to offer an employer.
Reading your post reminded me of a situation I had when i was first in my job, and I was describing it to a (male) friend. He just said ‘it seems obvious to me that they haven’t trained you enough in how to do this, and that is their responsibility’. All my girlfriends had been v sympathetic but it took a man to see it objectively and he was right! (rare i know!). They have a responsibility to train you for the job you should be doing, it is not enough for them to say they will do it ‘as and when’ and then expect you to feel at all competent. Go to whoever you feel you can talk to most easily and explain how you are feeling. Say you are going to have to leave unless something is done quickly to remedy this, and that you want to stay (if you do) and make a success of it.
On the other hand, if it is truly not the job you thought it was, and you don’t want to stay in it, then still go and explain how you have found it, but you can leave with your head held high.
Go for it girl, you can do it. It doesn’t matter if you cry - that will only make them realise how they have made you feel.
Very good luck
Jacquie
It’s a bit of a funny situation - although this lady at the other office is my line manager, I’m actually working for an Executive Director. I have typed a letter to him tonight saying I’m terminating my contract immediately and outlining all the problems I have had in the past few weeks with regard to no training etc; my OH is taking it there tomorrow and I am emailing a copy to the HR Dept. The lady who is my line manager is not in tomorrow (and I’m a bit wary of her because she talks to you like she’s your best friend - even the guy I work for has remarked on this). She was supposed to be doing the training, but she just tells you about things when she feels you need to know - I was informed on Weds about a very important meeting on Friday about arranging another meeting of people from outside the college. Apparently this is a way of the college getting scholarships and outside funding and I should have known all about it as the Exec I’ve been working for sits on 2 of these boards! Talk about feeling undermined. It would appear this lady worked for someone who retired and she is currently filling in for someone on secondment, so I get the impression there is an element of empire building going on here as she will get shunted off when the seconded person comes back.
OH is not prepared to see me getting as stressed as this as the business he started just before my diagnosis is taking off after being put in ice when I was really ill. He wants me to get an emergency appointment with my GP tomorrow in order to get signed off again and he wants me to speak to the Dr about my disturbed sleep pattern (have woken at 3.20 on the dot every morning since starting this job) also the fact that I am so nervy. I am seeing my oncologist on Tuesday pm and I will ask if I can get referred for some counselling or something as I feel this job thing has tipped me over the edge a bit recently. I don’t want to end up on anti depressants after everything else I’ve been through. My mental focus is all over the place at the moment, I cannot believe I could have come down this far in the space of 4 weeks. I was going to go in and talk to my boss tomorrow, but I’ve been bursting into tears all weekend and OH thinks I’m in no fit state. He is very, very upset at me being upset at the moment and says he feels he would like me to take more time off. I tried very hard to keep control when I was doing all the chemo and stuff, the feeling of being out of control is scaring me a lot.
Hi Cherub,
That is brilliant that you have a plan, and have written your letter. You must feel relieved to have made a decision (and that alone will help your confidence).It’s also brilliant that you have such a supportive OH.
I do hope this eases the pressure on you and you start to sleep better. And hope your GP is understanding and helpful too.
Hugs
Jacquie
I got my OH to deliver a letter to my boss’s office this morning and I emailed a copy to HR. I also emailed my line manager to say I was leaving. I have sent a letter to HR this evening as I noticed they have taken pension contributions from me (I asked not to join as the job was temp to permanent). I’m also owed about 50 quid as I had to buy my own printer cartridges. No-one has had the courtesy to get back to me.
I spoke to one of the breast care nurses today and she suggested possibly getting referred to the clinical psychologist attached to the clinic for counselling; she asked me to speak to my GP about this as they would need his approval. He said no as he doesn’t feel I’m at the stage for needing it. TBH, my sleep pattern has been lousy since I was on steroids with the chemo and he feels I should address that issue first so he has given me sleeping tablets for a fortnight plus some penicillin for the cough I’ve had for 2 weeks. He said he could understand me wanting to get back into a full time job, but feels I would be better to try p/t for a bit because people returning to their existing jobs are phased in slowly. Can’t believe I’m going to have to go through all the application process again and think I might do voluntary to get my confidence back even though I need the money.
The downside is I now have to sign on the dole as he says they can’t give me a medical certificate even though I am feeling unwell. Oh wonderful, loads of forms to fill in and I’ll still only be entitled to NI.
Cherub, who says you can’t have a medical certificate and why not.I don’t much like the sound of your doctor. He is right in one aspect. Full time at a new job must have been very difficult. You don’t sound ready to start loking for a new job yet. Do you like your doctor I would get another. Put all the last weeks behind you if you can and concentrate on getting stronger. I went back phased and was only 25 hours anyway. I get tired especially after the herceptin. My confidence has gone since the dx and that alone has been difficult. Take care love Eileen
Hi Cherub,
I rather agree with Eileen about your doctor. Surely if the job is making you feel ill and weepy and you are still recovering from pritty drastic treatment then surely you could be signed off sick. Clearly you are not fit enough mentally or physically to work full time yet In my experience heceptin is very tireing and not to be underestimated. I don’t suppose you feel up to any more battles right now but it seems unfair that you will have to go through the rigmarole of going on the dole etc when you are still not 100 per cent well and should (in my very limited opinion )be signed off sick Hope things look better soon
cheers
caroline
Hi Cherub.
I dont understand why your GP will not sign you off sick. Could you not see a different one?
I can totally sympathise with you. I hit rock bottom a fortnight ago after my treatment had finished (chemo and rads). Was constantly in tears and in pain. However i am gradually starting to fight my way back up again with help from various people
GP Gave anti depressants. I was orginally against these but they are helping me.
Sleeping pills - I have managed to have several full nights sleep
Macmillan nurse has arranged for me to have counselling and also has been counselling my family
Local hospice - arranged complementary therapies (how lovely to be spoilt) and a course with other people suffering from secondary cancers( i now don’t feel so alone)
I am now more on top of my pain control have got various different pain killers plus a tens machine
I am feeling able to cope so much more with everything. Cancer is now not the thing that has been ‘suffocating’ me for the past year. I am now beginning to think of looking for a job but it will be voluntary work or temp work.
I hope you get some counselling and also more support from your GP -We are also all here for you
xxJools
Hi cherub,
When I was going through an bit of a blip stage…very emotional etc., my GP signed me off with ‘’ Affective Disorder ‘’…thought he’d made it up…but when I looked it up found it was a real condition and definetly summed up the way I was feeling.
As others have said I’d try and see another GP…I cannot believe your GP.
I went to see my oncologist this afternoon, OH came in with me as he always does. My onc is always very cheerful and was a bit surprised to see how I was so he asked me to explain my feelings. OH took over as he didn’t feel I was telling everything (he felt he should have gone into the GP with me yesterday). The oncologist said he had planned to have a word with me about how I felt before the end of my treatment in April. After our discussion today he said he thinks I am displaying the symptoms they see with a lot of patients, namely the feelings of being cut adrift by the medical profession. Apparently they are noticing this happens quite a lot when ladies go on Herceptin as there are little or no side effects to report compared to the other drugs. When I explained about my GP saying he didn’t think I needed counselling onc said he said he was about to go down the route of asking me if I felt I would like this, but they have to abide by the recommendations of the GP. He did however suggest trying to talk to someone at the local Maggies Centre (I go every 3 weeks for meditation).
OH said he feels that because I was too ill to go out for a lot of the past year I should be doing a few things without him in order to get into the way of interacting with people again, onc agrees. I plan to do a couple of evening courses to see how I go -one is in basic web design stuff and as OH has a web design business he feels I would be able to take on some of the less technical jobs.
We also had a chat to the onc about my complete lack of libido (went through the menopause on chemo and have only had sex 3 times since November 2006). I can’t have HRT and I am finding I miss the intimacy (although OH puts absolutely no pressure on me whatsoever as he would rather I was well). We think this may be causing a psychological thing as I’m kind of starting to dread sex again. My onc is referring me to someone who specialises in post-meno women with these problems. He agrees it should not be allowed to persist for too much longer as I’m only 46.
My former employers have still not been in contact, I guess I will get my P45 in the post tomorrow…
Its sounds like you’re having a pretty tough time at the moment. Please remember if you feel it would help to talk through how you are feeling there is always the BCC helpline, where you are able to discuss your feelings and concerns in confidence with someone who is either a breast care nurses or has experience of breast care issues. Please give them a call if would like some support.
Oh Cherub I’m so sorry,
I just saw your message on the other thread. No-one deserves what you are going through just now and I’m filled with admiration that you are still able to think of the way forward. I’m glad your OH is supporting you; I think the idea of an evening course is great.
I wish you everything thats good,
Jojo
Thanks Jojo, guess I’m just feeling a bit blue and panicky at the moment - I was very scared at the feelings of not being able to cope over the weekend as I have never been like this all the way along my journey, not even at the most frightening point which was the start. I believe they do Tai Chi at the local Maggie’s, I think I may see if I can sign up to it. I also think I perhaps need to find something that doesn’t involve being just with cancer patients, but a wider circle.
I’m sure it will come right in the end, I just maybe need a push in the right direction. I keep thinking about all the things I was going to do when I returned to work like weekends away, travel and learning to drive but it’s all on the back burner again.
Hi Cherub,
I’m really glad your Onc was so understanding, though why he has to abide by what the GP said is a mystery; I thought Oncs had the final say on everything!
I think you have a point about doing something that’s not cancer-related. I have recently gone back to work very part-time, and have found it such a breath of fresh air to think about something else totally different even for just a couple of hours. Those courses sound perfect, especially the web design one which you could see as a bit of a career move.
And all those plans you’d made, well, they’re just postponed a little. Could you think about just one, e.g. start to plan where you would like to travel to, or plan a weekend away, even if you don’t book it yet?
I really hope you get some appropriate help soon, and start to feel differently.
Jacquie