Got my prosthetic ..... (sob)

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I just wanted to have a moan.

I got my official prosthesis yesterday, and just feel so low about the whole thing. It’s as if it made it official: “This is the new you”, and I’m feeling pretty sorry for myself.

I’ve never been officially measured or fitted for a bra before, and normally go for a 38C, although I have suspected its the wrong size, as I’m kind of jammed in there. I have/had quite “wide” boobs, with the old “side boob” going on, if you know what I mean. I’ve not been able to find “pretty” bras that fit well for years!

We tried loads of different prostheses, and eventually I have been sold a “right” boob, which I wear on the left side. She said she thought I was between C and D cup, but I think the problem is the shape more than the size. She sold me a 40D bra, and then I went to Sears and bought a 38C for almost half the price which works just as well, except its a pretty disgusting colour.

I’ve been increasingly unhappy with the appearance of my breasts in latter years. I think a lot of it is being over-weight. I can’t decide which I dislike the most: my left mastectomy scar or my right, remaining, boob!

I suppose I am hoping that eventually I’ll have a left reconstruction, and reshaping of my right, or possibly a right prophylactic mastectomy and immediate reconstruction when/if I get the left done, but I’m worried that my options for reconstruction might be limited, as I still need rads, and I have blood clotting issues which may make microsurgery difficult. The thought of all that surgery: more scars, pain, recovery time- its pretty daunting too!

I’ve considered just going flat both sides, but that thought depresses me too. I don’t know if I’ll come to terms with the prosthetic, a size 11. It just seems so enormous.

I cried and cried last night, and tears are welling up now, writing this. I know its just a poor me moment, but I just want all this to go away. I have 4 more weekly Taxol to go, and that’s getting tougher each week. I know my friends and family are cheering me on, and expect me to be excited that 6 months of chemo is nearly over, but today I just feel depressed and defeated.

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Bumping to get on latest posts page.

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Morwenna

I’m normally a 44D so my prosthesis is pretty big. It’s not uncomfortable, but my bra still rides up under my armpit and that is uncomfortable!! So I don’t really wear mine often. As my remaining boob is quite droopy, when dressed in loose clothes I don’t look too lop-sided, and I’m certainly more comfortable without a bra on. I just tend to wear it for special occasions, which thankfully I don’t have many of - or does that sound sad??? I would definitely prefer to have two flat sides as I hate my remaining boob.

I’m sad you are so upset about it Morwenna, I hope you manage to get the recostruction done after chemo. 6 months, that is a very long time. I had Fec-T and was supposed to have 3 of each, but was so ill on the Tax they put me back on Fec. As I didn’t have to delay any treatments I finished this Thursday and I began on February 5th. That makes it 18 weeks as they were all three weeks apart. Oh blimey, I’ve rambled on too much. Anyway, good luck with your remaining Taxol treatment, sending you (((BIG HUGS)))

Poemsgalore xxx

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Morwenna,

I’m also sending you big hugs. xxx

I’m one of the lucky ones, if any of us can be called lucky, in that I haven’t needed a mastectomy so have my own two boobs and am not faced with the horrendous decisions about recons etc. Personally, I couldn’t put myself through all that surgery, and anyway, I’m too old to be bothered with it all now!.

I just wanted to comment about bras and correct measuring. This is especially important for larger ladies if you want to look less droopy and much slimmer in the midriff area. It is so wrong to say “I am a C/D/E cup” The cup size relates directly to the band size. If your band size increases 2 inches, your cup size drops one letter. Conversely, if your band size drops a size, your cup size will increase a letter. Band sizes do change if you gain or lose weight round your back. It’s amazing what a difference a correctly fitting bra makes.

xxx

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Hi Guys
I know from experience getting used to wearing a prosthesis is a long journey. I am a 34 ff and had my bras fitted. I had my prosthesis since 2008 and it took my about 2 years to accept that actually I can live with this. I did asked for my right breast to be removed but they said that they would not remove a healthy breast, then I got secondaries and they siad it woul be too much for my boady to cope with. I am now back to wearing underwired bras and get measured at bravisimo shops. The staff are very understanding and will take time in getting it right for you. I have been wearing the same bra style for a couple of year but a few moths ago I went baack into the store and now have a good looking bra that my prosthesis sits nicely in. They also showed me how to insert my prosthesis so that it sit properly in the cup, I feel great in it. for swimming I use nicola jayne for swim suits and swim prosthesis and feel safe and comfortable. I also make sure that I massage the sight area and stretch through stiffness. It is a pain to try and get clothes that are the right neck line and does not drop as you bend over.
Hope this post helps
Maggie

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Hey Morwenna,
you will adapt to the ‘new you’, but it does take time, be gentle with yourself. I still (nearly 4 years on) feel very ugly sometimes, as my reconstruction is nothing like my remaining breast, and I still have to wear a partial prosthesis. I would suggest Marks and Spencers for underwear, they were very lovely about measuring me, and have quite a good mastectomy range of pretty underwear, which makes you feel better about yourself.
its important to remember how hard you’ve worked, what an emotional ride you’ve had and how hard your body is working to heal inside, mentally and physically. The scars are battle scars are well earned, take it easy on yourself, and allow the tears to flow on the bad days.
sending a big big hug x x x

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Morwenna, I guess being still on chemo has a lot to do with the tears and feeling down. I remember when being on chemo I had quite a few emotional side effects, so close to being in tears, spent once a whole afternoon in bed crying just because it rained outside (and I live in Scotland!!) lol. And although I never really minded losing my hair, to see myself in the mirror and then one boobed … wasn’t nice by all means. It’s more than a year ago now chemo and MX (had chemo pre op) and the world looks and feels so different from last year at this time. I personally have pretty much decided against a recon (and I’m only 43) because of the reasons you mentioned like more OPs, pain, more damage to my body etc, I think I won’t find it a problem to live with one boob. Saying this, finding a prothesis I found difficult. I thought it would be an easy thing to do, but far from it! I also found that my MX site needed about one year to feel comfortable enough to wear a MX bra. You will feel better again, it just takes time to heal, emotionally and physically.

Love and hugs from 3N3 xx

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double post

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Thanks for everybody’s kind words. I appreciate that I am probably not feeling anything unusual, and its my “low period” of the chemo week.

I expect I’ll feel better in a day or two, and the whole recovery and adjustment thing is going to take a whole lot longer. You know what its like. xxx

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Hi Morwenna.
Sorry to read that you’re feeling so down. With each new step we experience a wealth of emotion. You are normally such a positive person and always there with advice and support for others. Today has obviously been a difficult day for you and understandably so. It’s hard enough to accept living breast free without the added feeling of discomfort and self consciousness.
There are lots of pretty mx bras on the internet. Maybe you can order a choice and try them in the comfort of your own home. M&S and The Bra Clinic are good uk sites, I’m sure there are plenty where you are. (US?) I do find the size and fit varies from make to make. The more comfortable you feel the more confident you’ll be.
I’ve grown attached to my ‘mouse’(softie) although I do keep taking it out and losing it around the house!! Unfortunately for me I loved my boobs, so my biggest adjustment has been having to wear cami’s under my old tops. :wink:
I hope you wake feeling more positive and back in fighting spirit. Big hugs to you xxxx

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Hi morwenna I agree with Melrose15 M&S are great for post op bras I have bought two I usually wear my softie during the day and if I am going out I wear my new boob I said to the lady who supplied it gosh this is heavy her reply was well the one they took off was heavy I just laughed and said No not as heavy as this one but I must admit it fits very well inside my M&S bras do try and buy a couple if you can they will really make you feel better when I have my new boob on you really can’t see the difference
All the best and I hope you are feeling a little better today I sometimes have a bad day
lots of hugs and xxx’s to you

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Thanks girlies,
I usually feel better for encouraging other people. I suppose it is what I do for a living, so kinda my comfort zone. It’s just that I am rather worn down by the effects of the treatments, and I’m finding it hard going, this last bit!

I’m also feeling really lacking in confidence, and find it really difficult to decide on anything that requires any planning. My Dad wanted me to fly back to the UK (from Canada - a 9 hour flight) “just for a week” for his 90th Birthday, June13, and he would pay for my flight. I felt bad telling him I didn’t feel up to doing that. I have a radiotherapy planning aapointment on the 17th, my last treatment is June 19, then I have a follow up with the surgeon on the 20th.

I told him I could come over on the Saturday, 22nd, and could stay for a longer period as I have a break before starting rads on July 15, but I am procrastinating about booking my flight. I feel really nervous about flying alone, and whether I’ll be up to it, … and all sorts of what-ifs!! This really doesn’t feel like me. I’m always the one “to boldly go”. Not this limp lettuce leaf that appears to be the new me. I feel like a wimp, and that he’ll be so disappointed if I don’t go. So, a guilty wimp!!!

I’m trying to get my act together. Im going to ask my oncologist for advice, and see if I need a fit-to-fly note, because of my lung clots, and I need a doctor’s note about my heparin syringes I’ll need to take on the plane.

It all seems like a much bigger deal than it should, and I’m sure its a big factor in my current emotional state!

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Morwenna, I had a mastectomy way back in 1989 and had reconstruction at the same time. I was 39 at the time. It crossed my mind to have my good breast reduced ( I decided not to) which was just as well as I have gone from a size 14/16 to size 10/12 recently.
I finished 18 weeks of weekly Taxol just six weeks ago and I thought I would never feel like my real self again. However six weeks down the line and my energy is slowly returning and I have even managed to plant some bedding plants that have been waiting for me to deal with for days now!
My nearest and dearest tell me that there is a huge difference in my mood and energy now. I feel brighter, mentally faster and for the first time THIS YEAR food actually tastes good again. I couldn’t drink my usual tipple of red wine on Taxol but the tastebuds are recovering which is just as well as we have booked a holiday in France and I would hate to waste the oppertunity of trying out the local wine and food!
What I am trying to say is that I felt low and fed up and spent a lot of time in bed exhausted when I really wanted to be out meeting friends and doing stuff. But I just couldn’t and I began to wonder if this was how it was to be from now on. But only 6 weeks since my last Taxol and the difference has amazed me.
Be kind to yurself. The chemo failrly sucks the goodness out of you. !* weeks is very hard isn’t it? Good luck with the bra hunting. I am on the outlook for a swimming costume for my hols. If you order things from Marks and get them to send it to your nearest store you can try them on in the shop and just buy whatever suits you. You coud look on-line and perhaps that woud be less daunting for you. You can have them delivered to your house but then have the postage to pay but then you have the trouble of returning them. I am going to get them to deliver some costumes to my nearest store. Perhaps you could do this with your bras? Hugs, Val

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Morwenna,
I empathise completely. I have had a recent mastectomy, refitting bras before chemo started gave me a 32DD/E bra and a well fitting prosthetic, on fitting day. It hasn’t felt right since, and with the inevitable weight gain on chemo, the prosthetic now looks small. I think the larger you are to start with, the harder it is to find a comfortable, workable solution after MX.
ANYHOW, I am trying hard to ignore everything until chemo is finished, including how to deal with the asymmetry long term. I am erring towards a double MX. I’m living with 2 bras which sort of work in the short term, and high necked tops!
I hope you find a solution which works for you soon. Make that trip if you can, the change of scenery will be refreshing after this whole experience, and something to look forward to before Rads.
Best of luck,
MM xx

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Morwenna
I had my mastectomy eight months ago and I am now on my third everyday prosthesis. The first one I was given was too small, the second never felt as though it fitted me properly, but the third one is brilliant. It is a Trulife Harmony Silk Connect stick-on prosthesis and so comfy.
When my prostheses didn’t fit properly I was so down and miserable. What a difference a well fitting prosthesis and bra makes. I soon learnt that I need to alter the sitting of my prosthesis in the different bras that I wear.
Different bra manufacturers have different variations to their sizes and for this reason I tend to buy Amoena (36A) and Susa (34B) bras as I know they fit me really well are comfortable and compliment my prosthesis…or is it my prosthesis compliments my bras!
You may need to try a few differnt makes and styles of bras with your prosthesis to find the right match for you…and I’m sure you will!
Best wishes.
Kiz

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Haha Scottish Lass. Problem is there’s no M&S in Canada, but I’m planning a raid if/when I make it back to UK.

My lovely hubby has just taken me out of town to a garden centre for a yummy lunch, and browsing round beautiful flowers and plants. Spring is so late here in Calgary, and anything green is a sight for sore eyes by Maytime!

I do feel better today. Thanks! :slight_smile:

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Morwenna, great to hear that you feel better.
It depends where you will be when you are in UK, you could either make an appointment to be seen re bras/prosthesis or get things sent to you for return if not right. Both Nicola Jane and Amoena have been very kind and helpful to me.
I was all coping at first but had a major weep session 2 years after mastectomy when I realised how much I hated my prosthesis and bras. Went for more intensive consultation with brief detour into stick on, which didn’t work for me and now calmly settled with a smaller prosthesis and better bras. It does take work, and you need all your energy for chemo and rads and travel just now!
Lavender
xx

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I think there is a Nicola Jane in Chichester. That’s easy. I’m staying near Worthing.

The system for prosthetics here is you get one from a registered vendor, and Alberta government (AADL) pays for 75% of the cost. The remainder I can claim on my insurance, and if there’s any bit they won’t cover, I can claim that back on my health spending account I get through work.

The problem is, if having worn this for a day or two I decide I’m not happy with the size or shape, I’m not sure I will be able to change it. AADL will only replace it after 3 years. It cost nearly 345 so if I need another before that time I would have to foot the bill myself.

The vendor went to some lengths to find one that suited. We tried loads, she ordered some different sizes and shapes, and I think this was the best of the bunch. I’m just not convinced I like it any better than my softie.

I’ll probably have to persevere with it, and try it with different bras.

I’m envious of you guys who are given one on the nhs and can change it if you are unhappy! The NHS is something you really don’t appreciate until you don’t have it. At least in Canada a lot of things are paid for … not like the USA!

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Nicola Jane is in Chichester, just beside the railway station and Amoena is based just outside Southampton.

That is really difficult re the changing rules. I had my first one for 2 years, then when due a replacement, tried a stick on, and got a swop for that when I wasn’t happy with it.
I so appreciate the NHS from the screening through to follow up.
Hope you get sorted for travel
Lavender
xx

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Hi Morwenna!
I know how you feel about the prosthesis problem. I have just had a remaining temporary implant removed and am now flat chested. I have gone mental this week and not accepted it at all! I’m not happy with my body either now I have a huge belly sticking out where my boobs disguised it before!
I was given 2 softies on Friday, I have tried them but they feel weird. I have a silicone boob which was matched when I had my one side implant there.
Time is our biggest friend at the moment. I’m going for counselling soon as it’s been a year since my first op and bilateral mx. It’s only hit me now the implants are out and I’m flat! Struggling with a seroma tonight and fluid on my chest!
Hope you get something sorted soon.

Lots of love
Viv xxxxx