Hi All
I have just come home after spending a week in hospital, i had chemo treament and got a bad bowel infection, since i was diagnosed in june i have concentrated on my chemo i have 2 more to go then surgery , rads and herceptin for a year i have been really positive until i was in hospital,now i am home, i am panicked lost my confidence, terrified it will come back as soon as treatment has finished , i am so tearful , i am having a WLE at the end of november but i am convinced i want a mastectamy as i convinced it will have lesser chance of coming back, i am beating myself up thinking i have drunk too much all my life i am 37 with 2 children 4 & 8, i am just going to pieces, i am terrified of having my last 2 chemos as the 1st 2 have made me so ill, how do i get back on track ?
love galen
Hi Galen
you’ve just been really poorly with an infection, heck, even without the BC/ chemo et al i’d expect you to be feeling low right now. Any infection takes the stuffing out of us.
Give yourself a week or so, eat well and rest as much as you can … then you’ll be feeling much, much better about everything
cyber hugs to keep you going
x
Hi Galen
I too am 37 (kids 11 and 8) and was diagosed in June. I have been really positive up until the last week or so and now have myself convinced it will all go pear shaped and the cancer will come back.
Before this I was outgoing, confident and in control and now I think the whole thing is just sinking in.
I beat myself up too - was taking the pill the cause of this (don’t thnk so as I’m hormone negative) but still wonder why me?
I think we have to stay strong and stay focused. I too have 2 chemo left to get - have had my surgery and reconstruction so that horror is behind me, but the chemo is tough. I then also have 5 weeks of rads and herceptin ( a lot of rotten things in common)
I know we all have family around us but sometimes this journey is very lonely, and no one really knows the fear of it all.
I can only say I do have an idea of what you feel. Hang in there - I hope our chemo is working - it had better be. I remind myself that the treatments have progressed so well and I am in good hands - try to stay strong.
MuddyXX
Hiya,
I think muddy hit the nail on the head when she said “I know we all have family around us but sometimes this journey is very lonely, and no one really knows the fear of it all”. Never a truer word said!! Never before in my life have I felt so scared and so alone as I do now at times, even though I have a wonderful support system.
Please don’t be too hard on yourself galen. I frequently worry whether or not the chemo is working, and I’m sure we all worry about a reccurrence. I still have 1 more CMF cycle left, then its 15 rads, Tamoxifen for 5 years and 1 year of Herceptin for me. I have already had a right mastectomy and total axillary clearance. The fact that its bc awareness month this month means that things have really hit home to me, and its scary! I am 35 and we haven’t yet started a family and I frequently get the ‘what if? wobbles’. Now I have counselling and have found it to be of great benefit when trying to deal with the mental/emotional side of bc and its treatments.
Trouble is, they can give us all manner of lotions and potions to help us deal with the physical side effects of treatment (particularly chemo), but the emotional/mental effects often seem to be ignored. We need to acknowledge just how horrid the bc can make us feel. Personally I like to have a good cry occasionally and find this to be a great help to me. I am a bit of a weeping willow mind you!!!
I too have worried frequently that my lifestyle may have contributed to my develoing bc but now I honsetly don’t believe this to be the case. Maybe I could’ve drunk less or eaten better, but I know many people who live very ‘healthy’ lives and yet have still developed bc, so I think there is no rhyme or reason to this.
Take care of yourself and be sure to take things easy and don’t expect too much of yourself, particularly as you’re not long out of hosp. I wish you well for your next 2 chemo treatments and really hope they are ok.
Kelly
-x-
Hi all
Just want to echo the above. I too was really upbeat, positive, coping etc but since FEC 3 have been unable to shake myself out feeling quite down. It’s not just the BC & the 64million question “Will it come back” - that one can drive you round the bend, it’s the feeling of not feeling like me anymore. The whole “robbing” effect of cancer & it’s treatment I think.
My sense of humour seems to be in my shoes, I have no energy, passion or enthusiasm for anything. Just feel like I’m on planet cancer & won’t be able to get back to normal until my treatment is finished - got rads ahead unless I go for prophylactic mastectomy. I feel like I can’t be the Mum I need or used to be to my 2 beautiful children (aged 2 & 4), or the wife I want or used to be to my wonderful hubby who is my rock.
I’m resigning myself to the fact that I’ve just got to plod this road, vile as it is, and I need to take the bad times, go with them & there will be a light and I will get my sense of humour back again - one day!!! Oh, and give myself a break!
Take care all & Chins up ladies,
Alison
x
Sorry Galen you feel so low - it really gets to you some days doesn’t it? Have to talked about your treatment and side effects/infections with your oncologist? Have they given you extra steroids or antibiotics? I felt really rubbish on FEC#2 but had a right old moan and they sorted me out and 'cos I also had an infection I gt some prophylatic antibiotics too. I really hope you feel like your old self soon, and only 2 more to do (same as me)…c’mon you can do it.
I too feel very miffed too at the moment, can’t shake off the gloom and doom - feel angry more than anything…and guilty cos I am not doing things with my children like I used to. But but but…we will do it…and we will be OK.
Love and hugs to all of you
Ali
x
Hi Galen
Dont beat yourself up, I dont drink, dont smoke and am goody 2 shoes really healthwise, but still I got it…I hated chemo too,it made me really ill and hospitalised but you must stick with it, you can do it and if you are having just 2 more it will be over in 6 weeks…
takecare my love
Pam
Galin
Feeling extra low hits us all times, now matter how positive you think you are. The whole treatment is a big shock to the system, especially the chemo. I had 6 FEC sessions and felt particularly low after 3 and 4. Only those of us going/been through it can really appreciate the feelings and the lows. I got through mine by thinking of the tumour shrinking and thinking about what good things in the future I would be able to do, and how lucky I had found the BC to get it treated. Chemo messes your hormones up terribly. Don’t go through it on your own, speak to your BC nurse, oncology, doctor. Let them know how you are feeling. They may be able to help with some medicine.
Take Care
Isn’t it terrible how this illness adds insult to injury, by making us feel guilty for having it!
Who knows what really causes it. All current risk factors are simply coming from statistics… can we say that our mothers are at fault, because of a family history? no, of course.
We all have lived reasonably healthy - some more, some less, but compatibly with a normal, cheery, happy life. That for me included (and will include) good food, good wine, good company, travelling near and far… should I skip now the wine? the food, cheese and chocolate, under cholesterol or animal fat pretext? travelling, because of bugs that I could catch? that wouldn’t be anymore my life, and THAT would actually make it unworth of living it. And no, I don’t believe that I caused this BEAST to come and attempt ownership of my body. The beast came uninvited. I am NOT guilty of it.
Lilith
Although I’m quite emotional at the moment your words really struck home - as I’m sure they will have with many others.
My cousin and I have have led totally different lives - I’ve always been seen as a bit of a Prodigal for the amount of alcohol I’ve drunk over the years, she’s hardly ever touched the stuff. I was on the Pill and HRT, she had neither. I smoked for a while in my younger days, she never did.
She was diagnosed with DCIS and had three WLEs four years ago - I’ve just been referred back for a repeat WLE !
My cousin has been a real support during recent weeks and made a parcel of ‘goodies’ for me to open one a day - yesterday’s offering was a card (Heartwarmers Keepsakes) with a verse which also touched me greatly and I feel it’s what this site is all about :
“Hang in There” by Lynda Franklin © 2005 WPL (all rights reserved)
I know that things are tough right now and you may feel alone
But please remember others care and you’re not on your own.
Just try not to forget to take things day by day
and anytime you need me
I’ll be with you all the way
Hope this helps others in the same position,
Best wishes
Maddy x x x
How very true all these comments, the guilt being one we previously discussed and had great response. This disease is lonely at times because although I have been lucky healthwise previous to this, bc seems such a personal invasion of our bodies and it’s not always easy to show thoughts and feelings to loved ones and we feel it’s a personal challenge, one that WE want to sort in our own way. I love this site as it’s easier for me to talk to ‘invisible’ friends somehow.
Although I have’nt been through as much as some of you girls I still feel I have been fairly strong and have shed few tears. However sometimes it takes just one person to upset or anger me. I know its unintentional but last night when I mention the side effects of Tamoxifen to a friend who rang, she glibly asked me if I needed to take it then? I don’t know why but I found that really stupid and it upset me but I can’t think why.
I know I posted this before but lets not forget the quote" A strong positive attitude will create more miracles than any wonderdrug". Still take the tablets though and give the little B*****d a double whammy!!
Take care
Norma x
Good thread folks
We all have to stay strong and hang in there!!
MuddyXX
I was fortunate to have good results from my core biopsy (just a fibroadenoma) so don’t know first hand what you are all going through but I did just want to send my love. I am sure it is normal to have tough and down times. You ladies are amazing at how you get through each day and I pray that you each have someone who can step in to support you on the bad days. Even if it is just letting you have time shut in a room on your own for a bit.
My thoughts are with each of you brave ladies. I am sorry if this all sounds so glib but I really do send my love to you all.
lots of hugs and love,
Nanny
Hi everybody
Thank you so much for taking the time to post such reassuring messages, i am picking myself up , you all have made a difference so thank you
love galen xxxx
You are very welcome Galen,
I’m just glad you are picking yourself up now,
Take care,
Kelly
-x-