First my breast has gone, and soon my hair, how much more can we women take……
Started chemo yesterday (11th June 2010) so l can expect the fall of my hair soon.
I know l am going to be devastated, but also know it has to be.
MY HAIR
Since a child you have protected my head, from the sun, the wind, the rain, the snow.
From ponytails, pigtails, plaits, ringlets, bouffant, beehive, Backcombing, bobs! Farrah Fawcett! Twiggy, impish styles, flick ups, 80’s perm, Shaggy, the list is endless!
From Hair dryers, curling tongs, heated rollers, straightners,
I have looked after you as best l could, never dared to colour you! Tried to keep you as natural as l could, then you started to change, l could see silver coming through, now while l do love silver, l prefer it on my wrist, neck or finger!
I was in a dilemma as to whether to get rid of the silver, and keep my golden locks a bit longer! But l thought l would hold on for as long as l could to my natural colour, after all l have managed for the last 63 years, so l thought l might get away with a few more years.
But sadly no, the dreaded breast cancer has taken over my life, and chemo. has started and in a few weeks my goldilocks will have gone to baldilocks! As some of you may know my new name for chemotherapy, is peachy mother (anagram) much nicer.
A wig it must be! because l will never go out without my wig. l desperately want to feel normal, and to me, wearing a scarf, buff, hat, just shouts ‘chemo’ and l am very sorry to all you ladies that are brave enough to wear these, it is just how l feel. A friend of mine had breast cancer 11 years ago, she had her head shaved and never wore anything, she said people will have to accept her as she has had to accept breast cancer. I told her then that l would never be brave enough to do that, and sadly l still feel like that.
I desperately want to feel normal! I have lost count the number of times people have told me how well l look, when inside l have crumbled, but on the outside l try and wear bright clothes so people notice the clothes and don’t look too deep inside how l am feeling. And l seem to the outside world to be normal and coping, as one said, “l wouldn’t be as brave as you“ but then she doesn’t see me when l wake in the night and cry like l have never cried before, oh to be normal again, and to be rid of this cancer that has taken over my life!
Then the morning comes and l try and put on a happy face. To some of my friends and family l can be honest and tell them how frightened l am. I have known quite a few people that have had breast cancer, and always knew l would never cope. So that is why l cannot wear a scarf or a buff, perhaps when l am at home l will wear a towel type turban, then if anyone knocks on the door, l can pretend l have just washed my hair! Or if l am in the garden perhaps l can wear a hat, pretending l am keeping the sun off my hair!
You may read this and think why is she deceiving herself, why can’t she accept she has breast cancer? I am not sure at this moment l can answer that, it is one thing looking different in your ‘own’ way, but not in a way that makes you look ill! I look in a mirror and don’t see ‘me’ l see fear, l see breast cancer written all over me! But that is me, because as l say, people say l look well, or perhaps it is that they are not really looking at ‘me’ perhaps l am getting the sympathy vote, see what breast cancer does to you, makes you paranoid!
I was speaking to a man the other day, who has been diagnosed with inoperable cancer, when l first met him he was laughing and joking, l thought he was a carer for his wife, but it turned out she was the carer, l asked him how he managed to keep so happy ? He said he is two different people, on the outside he laughs and jokes the whole time, and it was exhausting him, but inside he was crying and screaming out for help, but no on can help him, and he knows this. He hugged me and l could feel his pain, and l knew exactly how he felt, but at least l have the chance to have chemo, so perhaps l should try and accept a little more than l do now.
I suppose we all have our weaknesses and our strengths in life, some people never get to find out what theirs are! At this moment l think l have found my weakness, and it is breast cancer, as for my strength, l am not sure l have found that yet, and l am not sure l want to, because l think my strength will only come when l suffer more! If that makes sense? And l don’t want to find that strength.
So at the moment l think l will try and be more positive, the chemo will come and go, the hair will come and go, and l hope the cancer cells that have already come will one day go.
Hugs to all for cancer free days
Sandra xxx