Tomorrow I will have to visit my husband’s parents and a gathering of his siblings all of whom have given me no support since the day of my dx and during and after treatment. On previous visits I have been ignored and one of his sisters has never asked how I am. His parents I feel view me as a burden to their son and have never written to me or phoned - they didn’t even visit when I had the mastectomy .They didn’t even offer support to my teenager when they must have known what a dreadful time he had too. I am only going for my son’s sake - they are his only grandparents and I don’t want him to be isolated from them all - and for my husband. I am dreading tomorrow, the thought of being in a roomful of people who blatently don’t care what happens to me is depressing.
My teenager is old enough to be aware of how they have treated me but I play down my feelings for his sake. Sorry to unload but I feel desperately sad about it all.
Seren
Really feel for you Seren, it is a horrible situation for you, especially as they are not caring of your son.
I forbade my husband to tell his sister that I had cancer as I didn’t want bad vibrations whilst I was going through treatment. I have never told any of his family that I have had a mastectomy as I feel it is none of their concern.
I hope things aren’t as bad as you are expecting, perhaps they will surprise you, I do hope so. Let us know how it goes.
Seren,
I think, and am hoping, that rather than they don’t care, they just don’t know how to handle this. The Big C really scares people, as it does us, but they’re basically ignorant and don’t know what to say or do. Of course, this doesn’t help you, but just wanted to say, we’re here for you and you’ve probably upset their perfect, no hassle life. Don’t know what else to say, except that we’re all here for you.
Love,
Sally xx
Dear Seren
I too have in-laws who i cant say dont care as they have rung up but havent been to visit and i am now 3 months on from dx and 10 on weeks from operation. My mum in law is 84 and has rung often but obviously needs transport to come and see me and has done so twice with a lift from her Grandson who has also rung lots. But as for my sister in law and her daughter who was my hairdresser i havent seen them at all. I dont dwell on it any more as I think I have had lots of support from other people mostly from those that i have least expected it from. I feel sorry for my husband as i think he has been a bit embarrassed by their behavior but in the end its not his fault. You just have to remember that that some people are probably not as thoughtful as yourself. Hope you get through it ok.
Love Sandraxxxx
Seren,
I’m in the same position.
Don’t go - your husband and son can go and have their relationship with them. You don’t need to feel this dread and unhappiness.
P.S.
Husband just came in and I let him read this. He said that your situation sounds all too familiar and that he agrees with me and sends his support!
Hi Seren,
I was sorry to read about the position you are in, and it reminded me of the situation with my inlaws also. When i was diagnosed almost 3 yrs ago, my husbands family virtually disappeared off the face of the earth and were no support to me, my husband or my 1 yr old son ( they stayed less than 10 minutes walk from my house ) My husbands sister was hugely insensitive with some comments at the outset that my husband and her still do not speak to this day. If this had happened under other circumstances I would have been desperate to build bridges with my husband and his sister, now all I care about is my family and my loved ones and with loved ones I mean the people who i love and love me and who have been there for us through this experience. Do not do anything you do not want to do, or feel uncomfortable with, now if there is a family gathering on my husbands side, if I want to go I will but if I dont I wont and I certainly wont feel bad about it. It is sad to say that we do see peoples true colours going through this and I had always thought I had a good relationship with my inlaws but as Sally says cancer scares people and many people show ignorance in this situation.
Thinking of you x
Thankyou all for caring enough to share your experiences. I did go, even though I would have dearly loved to have not put myself in that atmosphere again, as some of you suggested. All my fears came true - the only one’s who spoke were one of my husband’s brother-in laws and my grown up nephews. I sat as if I was in a roomful of strangers and wondered how people can be so cruel. Sadly Sally, it isn’t a case of bc scaring them as I well know after more than 30yrs - I could deal with that. Two of their childrens’ spouses have already divorced them because they eventually wouldn’t put up with continual put downs but I have always tried to ignore their attitude to ‘incomers’ for the sake of my son and husband. (I do feel hurt that my husband will never rock their boat). I feel that no matter what may happen to me none of them will care, but I don’t want to alienate my son and husband from them as they will be the only family they have. It’s so hard dealing with bc and other health problems with this knowledge - sorry for baring my soul but I need a safe place to do this as I can’t burden my son and husband with this terrible sadness I feel today.
Thankyou all for listening
Seren
Hi Seren,
My husbands family have not mentioned my BC or visited me. It does not bother me but it does upset me that both their parents are no longer with us and you would think that they would support their brother- which they don’t. He tends to contact them rather than vice versa. My own family have seen me 2- 3 times and only live 15 minutes away. My support network has come from my husband, sons, close friends and the ladies/ gents from this forum and I would have it no other way. Families are funny things and as the old saying goes, you can choose your friends but not your family.
I hope that you reach a compromise and find peace within yourself. If you do not need to see them, then don’t. I am sure that it will not affect the relationship that your husband and son have with them.
Kat
Dear Seren
really sorry to hear about this. My parents have given me no support at all. My Mum told me to pull myself together and my Dad hasn’t even rung and that’s at 6 months from dx! I hope that your parents are there for you. If they are then cherish them and stuff the in laws!
Take care
Jilly
Dear Jill
So sorry to hear how terribly you have been treated by your own parents - my heart goes out to you as I so know how it feels to suffer from such treatment. In addition to the total disregard of my inlaws I have also got an only sister who has been just as hurtful - she was told I had to have a bone scan in April this year to check for secondary spread and has still not asked me if it was clear, in spite of ‘finding the time’ to phone once and write a hurtful letter a few weeks ago, because I hadn’t been able to give her overnight accomodation on her way to a meeting, due to illness. The only time I have seen her was 8mths after my dx and mastectomy, again on her way to an important meeting.
Sadly, my own dear Mum died 30yrs ago at a young age - there have been many times when I have so wished to have her here to talk to and be here for my son.
Guess this is why I feel so alone and depressed as I hoped for support where there was no compassion. I have to say that compassion is plentiful on this site as I am discovering - isn’t it sad that the empathy we can feel for others is in short supply in some families.
Love Seren xx
Dear Kat
How true that saying now rings! I have found kindness from ‘strangers’ who have become friends since my dx yet many ‘friends’ from my life before bc have disappeared with the exception of one or two towers of strength! To my great sadness is added the fact that one of my close friends of 25yrs+ died of secondary spread following a recurrence after 14yrs and even amidst her own pain she gave me unfailing support when I was then dx - she had always said that when she was initially dx, it was the abandonment by people she thought she knew well which hurt the most- little did I know all those years ago how I too would experience this too.
Thankyou for listening - I hope you find support that lasts
Love Seren xx
Dear Seren
Big super massive hugs to you. You’re so right in everything you’ve said. Us “special ladies” need to stick together. This has been the most strange jorney I’ve ever taken. I think it’s changed me into a more compassionate person, or at least I hope so and perhaps maybe it’s worth it. I spent this morning at the hospital cheering up complete strangers as we waited for treatment. I even encouraged a couple of the older ladies to join me in taking up pole dancing lessons when we’ve beaten this!!
You’re more than welcome to join us!!
Have a good New Year and keep in touch.
To all the other “special ladies” out there… PARTAY!!!
Seren,
Life can be so hard sometimes. Draw strength from us and look forward.
Kat x
Hi Jilly
Loved the idea of you ladies taking up pole dancing ! Thanks for bringing a smile into my day and I hope much happiness comes your way in 2008. To all the special folk who may read this too - have a good New Year !!
Love Seren xx
Hi Kat
Thanks for showing me where I need to look for the inspiration to find strength to rise above the hurt - it’s out there amongst all the experiences that wonderful folk like yourself are willing to share. Have a good 2008 !
Love Seren xx
Hi Seren
Have only just caught up with this thread, and I’m so sorry to hear about your in-laws. It sounds like all of us have experienced this kind of treatment from various friends and/or relatives - I know I have too, and it made me very sad. To say "they don’t know what to say " or how to approach us, to me is an absolute cop-out. I would never treat someone in this way, and I think thats why I took it so hard initially.
Having said that, I have made some wonderful new friends over the past few months, and those who have “deserted” me, well stuff em - let them deal with their guilt (that’s if they have any feelings in the first place of course!).
Sending you huge cyber hugs Seren, you know we’re ALWAYS here for you on this site.
Lots of love
Julie xxx
Hi Seren
For every *one* of your husband’s family that offer no support, there’s at least 100 of us on here who will.
Don’t let the b@st@rds get you down. Yes, they may be having trouble dealing with your diagnosis but ignorance is not an excuse for it.
Your husband and teenager are there for you - what more do you need?
Hope 2008 is better for you
J xx
Dear Seren
thanks for your message. When can we sign you up for the classes???
Take care mate and remember big fat raspberries to all those who don’t offer support!!
Jilly
xx
Families, even extended ones, should be about love, support and tolerance. I am very lucky in the main though obviously I am not close to them all, but I would say now is the time to be blunt and honest. Don’t go, and if anyone asks why, tell them. Life really is too short for you to pussy foot around them and their feelings. I would think it is only a matter of time before your son sees the situation for what it is also. You don’t have to be antagonistic, just don’t go!
Irene