Didn’t really know where to post this - but I have been devastated today.
I was having a really good day - Neulasta kicked in - no low from lack of white cells, the sun was shining, I took myself off for a drive, did a bit of retail therapy… while I was shopping I saw a friend who’s father in law was in Edinburgh with me having his radiotherapy - I was going to ask how he was but she looked a bit harrassed so I decided not to approach her.
Went into local bakery, bought myself a bacon roll - nipped next door for the local weekly paper and went and sat in the park to enjoy the sunshine.
Opened the paper and the obituaries are on the inside front page. The first one I read was her father in laws. I cannot believe that he has died. It is only just 2 months since we having a laugh and a joke in Edinburgh - and he was telling me all his plans for the next few years. In fact I bumped into him a couple of weeks ago and we were joking about how he had the same bald head as me now…he was so bloody well.
I just cracked up today - I was so glad I hadn’t spoken to his daughter in law - I just sat bawling my eyes out - and if I’m honest it was as much for me as for him.
It has terrified me. I had just got myself to a place that I believed my poor prognosis was being made much better by all the treatment…now I just can’t think straight at all -…all I can think is that I’ve put myself through 7 months of crap for nothing. I even know that that’s not rational thinking - look how many there are on here who are still beating it…but I just can’t get the bad thoughts out of my head.
Sorry for bringing this on here but I just can’t talk to anyone else - they don’t understand. OH knows how cracked up I am - he went down to see the family tonight to take a card & donation - but everytime I try and talk about it I just crack up and burst into tears.
Oh Margaret,
I am so sorry for your loss. Sometimes you just have to let go, we try to be so strong for everyone else around us but it isn’t always a help. The fact you are still here shows that the last 7 months have done some good. It’s not easy when you hear of someone loosing their battle but as you yourself have said there are so many more on here who have won. I can only hope that you find the strength to smile at the memories you had with this gentleman and keep going. He had his plans and I am sure you do to.
Thanks all for your kind messages - I still can’t stop sniffling but it’s getting better.
Yes I do have plans Leeloo - they’ve just been skewed a bit tonight - hopefully tomorrow will be a better day !! I’m off to see Occ Health about going back to work once I’ve started herceptin - and I’m going to opticians to get new glasses - maybe everything will look rosy through them !!
Dear Margaret - I am so sorry, what a terrible shock that must have been for you. As you so wisely know, the tears and devastation are partly for your friend, and partly for you. And I am sure that you needed a really big cry for both of you. You have been through so much, so bravely, and sometimes you just need to sob your heart out to acknowledge that before you can pick yourself up and go on again. I know in your heart of hearts you realise that this gentleman’s situation was entirely different to yours, and in no reflects on the treatment that you are having or how effective it is going to be. You go on, get through this, make wonderful plans, and if the world has a rosy glow through your new glasses then all the better for that. The biggest of cyber hugs. Sarah xx
Hi Margaret
4 mths ago a mum I knew of at my daughters school died from Bc at the age of 39. It devastated me , the thought of her and her childrens loss deeply affected me. I had to get reassurance all over again and I felt like I was back to square one in terms of my recovery . I called breastcancer care and discussed this and spoke to some lovely ladies and also someone who had was several years down the line after bc. It did help and I found it good to talk to the point where I knew I no longer needed it.
There will be a lot of knocks along the way . I went to a friends funeral only last week (not bc) and have picked myself up again. We cannot compare ourselves, each case really is different. I dont know if I am over it all yet but I know I have to look ahead and not to dwell on ‘it could be me’ . It is hard though and I really know how you feel. I walked around scared senseless for a few days but knew I had to talk to someone other than friends about this .
So sorry to read your post and hear how you are feeling after having such a rubbish time yourself. I dont really know what to say but just to let you know I am thinking o you and sending hugs.
I read this on another thread and thought what a lovely thought
Every day may not be good, but there’s something good in every day
hi margaret, im so sorry to hear about your troubles ,and send you a cyber hug!. recently i was just where you are now ,my sister and my brother in law both died on the same day,from bowel and liver cancer .its been a really tough time for the family to come to terms with ,ive been fighting breast cancer for 2 yrs now and have possible liver secondaries that are thankfuly not changing .so i was really down for a while just thinking how unfair life could be ,and yes i was feeling sorry for myself as well. but im still here and everyday is a gift and i intend to live it well .nobody knows what the future holds and i know its hard to face things ,but i think your really brave deep down and youve just lost yourself a little . sending you loads of hugs and prayers . lynn x
Oh Margaret,
What a terrible shock. I am so sorry that you have to cope with this on top of everything else that you struggle with. This terrible sadness will pass even though you may not feel so at the moment.
Words are hard to find, but I will be thinking of you.
What a horrible shock for you, Magz, it is as if the reality of the possible outcome of our situations is brought home all in one fell swoop isn’t it? And of course you needed to cry for you as well as for him, Just believe that you have done your absolute best to beat this disease with all your treatments and will continue to so so with herceptin, I think?
You’re right, others can’t understand why this is so upsetting but it taps into our worst fears.
Sending you a ((HUG)) and hoping today will be brighter and you can enjoy the good things that are in your life
Hi Margaret,
Just wanted to say hello and what a “slap round the face” that must have felt like. I had a moment like that a few weeks ago but in cyberspace not face to face and that was hard enough.
It rocked my world in the worst way for at least a week but now i’m glad to say the shock has worn off and we are dealing with it.
We had a garbled e-mail from his sis-in-law saying goodbye and that the angels were watching etc and she would see us in heaven…(not like her!!!) when we rang abroad (they live at least 3,000 miles away) her daughter told us that she had been dx with incurable malignant brain tumour and only has limited time to live.
Hubby got on plane and spent some time with them to say his goodbyes. I could have broken my heart for him…not only has he got “me” to deal with but it seemed a cruel blow to add that too.
I’m sure you are still pretty crushed right now as it makes our own mortality and frailness stand out. I found taking myself to a hill or the park where it is very quiet and peaceful helpful - no noise, music, or general hubub just for an hour now an then. It seems to preserve what little inner strength you have for a bit longer day to day ?maybe just not looking at bad news on tv etc is my way of being an ostrich but it does help.
love to you
Kay x
So sorry to hear about the death of your friend. I lost a friend to cancer last week and although we knew he was terminally ill we did not expect his death to come so soon. I understand your loss and your fear of your own situation.
I had a very similar experience recently. I met an old workmate on an evening out, when I was growing my hair back and feeling really positive about surviving BC. She looked quite poorly, yellow and not too good. Talking to her she disclosed after most prompting from me, that she had liver secondaries following on from BC. i was absolutely devastated. She was the same age as me 42, had two children and her prognosis was very bad. i rang her the following day and she told me to being strong, I would be ok, she was dealing with it, and I would be ok. A few weeks later I saw her again, she look 110% better, and we were laughing and joking how we were both fighters etc. I really thought her treatment was going well, then two weeks ago she died. It was such a major shock, I am crying writing this about poor Sheila, now all I think about is that all my aches and pains, where ever they are mean its back.
i have no more appointments with the onc, they stopped when I finished rads, and I dont get on with the BC nurse so I dont have anyone to really allay my fears for my own health. This site has been a godsend to me for various things, but this thread has really hit home again today.
Once again thank you for all the lovely messages - that’s why I love this site !!
I am feeling a little better today. Had appt with occ health this morning to discuss returning to work - fell apart at that but the doc was lovely, handed me a box of tissues and just told me to let it out - then said he didn’t think I was ready to go back to work!!
Looking at returning at the end of June - maybe - I’m on a fixed term contract and it expires on 13th August so seems a bit pointless really - school hols start beginning of July - maybe it’s just time to be selfish and think about me - I’m not stupid, have qualifications and all them letters that matter (apparently!!) after my name - so I can get another job later…
Anyway today does seem like a much better day - the world looks brighter again - and your kind words have certainly helped - thank you