Hi
I’ve just joined the site…desperation I guess. Of all the sites I have joined over the years this is not one I wanted or expected to find myself in.
My sister was diagnosed with breast cancer yesterday. To say everything is up in the air is a statement of stupidity…we don’t know anything other than she will have surgery in the next month and radiotherapy, I guess after that they will see about chemo.
Today, I was doing ok, then something so minor and silly just sparked a desent (I can’t spell today) into madness. I lost the plot…totally, slamming doors screaming and swearing.
I feel like SUCH an attention seeker and it’s doing me in, as that is something I have never been, but after all this is not my diagnosis and it is not me that is affected…there are mothers, children and husbands and other siblings and needless to say my sister herself all receiving the news so why is it me that seems to be losing the grip?
I am a healthcare professional and am wondering if this is actually causing me to feel more useless and worried even though cancer is not something I know that much about. I am truly at the end of my tether today…and as much as I know this is just my head working itself out, I am desperate tonight just to talk to someone and not feel so scared and isolated. My poor mum is dealing with it all and normally she is the one I would turn to for any life event but I can’t put my stupid reaction on her when she has so much going on in her life right now.
I HATE being this pathetic, I feel sooooo selfish and this is not me at all. Like I say, I know it will pass and tomorrow will be my fighting head that just wants to rally round and get it done…but for tonight I am just falling apart at the seams…have I really lost my mind or is this even slightly normal??
It’s 100% normal… you’re almost certainly in shock. When I was diagnosed back in Jan me, my fiance and my Mum pretty much lost it a bit. my mum hoovered everything at least twice, my dog had hysterics (because of my mums hoovering and me and fiance drank far to much wine for a few months.
But slowly we got used to the fact that life had changed and stomped our collective way through my surgery, chemo and radiotherapy and we continue to live our lives now and things are getting better.
Really sorry that your sister has been diagnosed too but if you talk to each other and just try to be there for her over the next few months you’ll get past the shock and move on.
Good Luck
And don’t forget to tell your sis about this site, I’m sure she (and you) will have a thousand and 1 questions soon.
I am sorry to read that your sister has recently been diagnosed with breast cancer, I am sure the users of the forum will continue to provide support to you. One of BCC’s publications, ‘In it together’, is mostly aimed at partners of people diagnosed with breast cancer but you may find some of the information it contains is of some help. You can either download a copy or order one on line via the following link:
Hi selfishone (although I am sure your user name should be more like a concerned sister),
I just want to reiterate what Angie has said and say that you are definitely still in shock. When I was dx in Dec. 07, I was so, so angry, I remember kicking my bag all around the reception area of the breast clinic - it was the only thing to hand and I had to take my frustration out on something as I could not believe what they were telling me - I truly believed I had an infection - BC never entered my mind.
I found that you do go through different stages, the first being shock, the second your fighting spirit returns, next is anger (why has this happened to me) and the last is that you finally reach some sort of acceptance. I found that throughout my whole treatment 6 months of chemo, mastectomy, reconstruction, radiation therapy, that it sometimes seemed to be much worse for those around me - they felt so, so helpless which is what I am sure you are feeling now - you want to take this awful thing away from your sister and can only stand at the sidelines. As much as I tried to comfort my partner, parents, friends - I remember how helpless they felt and how they could only watch as I went through the awful treatments to try to fight this horrible disease. You will find the strength to deal with this and so will your sister. As you go through the treatment, you will gradually feel that you are fighting back and taking back some control. Best wishes to you and your sister, I am so sorry to hear that another family has been affected by this horrible disease, but from someone who has been through it and came out the other side - I know that you will find the strength to support your sister. Best wishes xx
I have been on both sides of this illness now, and I know which side is easiest and surprisingly, it isn’t your side! It is so mush easier to ‘cope’ when it is you and you have to face things, than when it’s a loved one and you are helpless!
So your reaction is absolutly normal, and will pass, given time. You will be there for your sister because you have to be. This illness is a great leveller. Good luck.
Firstly thank you so much for responding to my rambling post! My sister called me last night though I didn’t get the chance to talk to her but she sounds very upbeat. I spoke to my mum a bit later and she has got Grade 3 and so far that’s all I know other than it is in her lymph node/s not the actual breast tissue. I know she will have surgery within the next month and then 3 weeks of radiotherapy which we all hope will be enough.
I’ve been “told off” by all those friends around me to stop beating myself up for reacting the way that I have been and to be honest the support I have received has been inspiring…that’s just me as a family member and I KNOW my sister has got a thousand and one more people around so can only guess at how she is feeling…at least it is not alone.
She is very positive as I now hope today will be for me. You are all right, the shock (and to be honest other life events yesterday…although insignificant) just got too much but we all live to tell another day!
I do feel like a bit of a fake for being here when there are so many women directly affected by this awful, unfair, random disease but would like to take this opportunity to say to those ladies THANK YOU for not making me feel…hmm what’s the word? Like a time waster when you have all had to deal with so much more!
I can see this site will bring much comfort and will be sure to talk to my sister about it when things have calmed down a little (as much as they can really huh?) and I get some time with her myself! It’s nice to know that I’m normal…well as close as I ever was!
hi, so sorry to hear of your sister and it is normal to feel like you are feeling. My sister was diagnosed in April 2008 with Gyni cancer I was so upset, but after the initial shock which upset me, we talked and started to get things together, then I was diagnosed in May 2008 with breast cancer, as you can imagine it has not been easy what a journey for both of us, and my sister has been a rock for me, and as I am having chemo and all that goes with it she along with my husband and my daughter and son, is my strength. Make sure you talk plenty and keep coming on this site there is always someone to talk to take care love to both junieliz
Hi .
Please don’t feel guilty being on here,thats exactly why the family thread is here! If we can help you and as a result you and your sister find this horrible time a wee bit easier,thats not wasing time.
You are not selfish,pathetic or losing your mind…you are normal! As has been said, you are in shock.
Just aim to take this small steps at a time.
She is really lucky to have a sister who cares so much and a caring family.Just be there for her, to talk,help with practicalities as well as do normal sisterly things.
Wishing your sister all the best and please keep us informed and maybe see if she would like to join,
Love
Dot
x
Like IreneM I have been on both sides of this & 110% agree that I found it has been easier having the disease myself. I just let the medical people get on with things. I found a strength from somewhere & others were far more upset and found it more difficult to deal with. Reckon it’s because they want to do something to get rid of the disease for you but can’t.
My mum was diagnosed in June 2002 (age 67) & had 8 months of chemo/surgery & rads. It was difficult to see her go through it but I tried to do practical things (I’m SO much not a medical person - don’t do illness & can’t watch Casulaty on TV) to help out.
I was diagnosed July 07 (aged 42) within a week of 5 years after mum & had basically the same treatment although a bit higher doses etc of each bit. Mum & dad, my partner & friends all did practical stuff for me this time and that took loads of the stress away I’m sure. Unfortunately I have some bone mets & that was upsetting for everyone else but the docs are confident they can control them so that’s ok by me ! Because of this & some lymphodaema, there are some things I can’t do & get others to help with.
My sister lives a long way away but has dealt with things by ringing lots & being practical as well. Inevitably she was upset about both mum & me but applied a ‘do what you can & let the medical people do their job’ approach.
Just to add to the family’s incidence of this disease, my mum’s twin sister was diagnosed with it 20 yrs ago aged 55 & their other sister was diagnosed with it aged 75 in Oct last year. All on the same side but they’ve not needed as extensive treatment. They’re all fine now & go off on caravan holidays abroad.
Everyone is different but see if you can do practical things for your sister if you are near enough - cook some meals, do some ironing/dusting/hoovering, help with kids if she has them, do a bit of shopping. That type of thing was so helpful to me.
Things will get better for you, your sister & mum after the initial shock although it may not seem like it now. You are not being selfish just a very caring sister who can’t see a way to help at the mo but look at this site & I’m sure you’ll get plenty of support.
and more of the same really - my sis was diagnosed In dec 06 and i went ape when i cam off the phone - mainly because my sister has had other significant health problems - i went around saying it’s not fair, if anyone was going to get it, it should have been me… but we react as we do because we love them.
well…almost a year to the day later (29 Nov in fact!!) I was diagnosed with the same type of cancer and have virtually followed my sister’s treatment path. I knew how she had coped and dealt with the irritations and down sides of treatment and i was determined to do the same…
A year on and i’m fine… my hair’s back, i’m working full time and life is good…
On a lighter note, apart from being careful what i wish for… when i told my 19 yo son that i would have to have a mastectomy just after Christmas…he said ‘hmm… i was wondering what to get u for chrostmas mum but a mastectomy’s a bit radical!’.
and me and fiance drank far to much wine for a few months.