I am quite a stoic pragmatic bod, in fact the bcn say how well I am holding it together but after a blooming convoluted path to getting diagnosed on 1/2 I think I am starting to unravel badly :(. The waiting had been bloody awful , I am going in for op 24th but waiting for the results of biopsy no. 6 tomorrow to decide if lumpectomy or mastectomy. The fear has overwhelmed me, I am 48 and am thinking I will not see my children grow up, that I never imagined that this would happen to me and I just can’t seem to get a gri,p even monsieur smirnoff can’t help! It’s the first thing I think of when I wake up and last thing at night. I can’t wait for op whatever that may be bug the thought of 2 weeks waiting after that is nearly finishing my off. I feel like giving myself a bloody good shake bug I can’t and it’s *&^^^!g me off. I probably need a good howl but apart from 10 mins at the start of this nightmare I can’t . I am both scared and annoyed with myself. Sorry for the rant x
Hi Helly,
My thoughts are with you for tomorrow! X
Hi Helly
I am so with you. I can’t cry haven’t yet and scared if I do I won’t stop. I have my official results appointment tomorrow even though I already know thanks to my lovely gp. I am terrified I won’t see my kids grow up, I am also 48 and I only ever seem to hear bad stories. I don’t drink but am convinced I need to learn!! I carry on as normal then it suddenly hits me bam and I can feel myself go into panic mode. I am thinking I want a double mastectomy one minute then as little surgery as possible the next. I can’t believe it’s less than four weeks since I found the lump. I’m sorry I’m not being much help but am sending hugs and love. How old are your children xx
Hi Helly, sending a hug, a massive, one. I’m sitting here quietly on my own with a brandy, I need one, having had my pre op assesment today. I no what you mean about the wait, Its horrendous, and nothing or no one can prepare you for it. Thats all eveyone ever says to me “Your stong, you will be O.K.”,Im fed up with being strong and O.K. tHERE ARE TIMES WHEN i DON’T WANT TO BE EITHER, and yes you can feel it start to unravel, hold on in there Helly, its ok to be scared and frightened we can’t be fecking brave and positive and have a good attitude to it all the fecking time, I never lose my temper, I’m quite a laid back easy going, as long as everyone else is O.K., I’m O.K., person, I could bloody swing for people who fail to consider that I am struggling to be anything else other than positive and strong, I don’t want the changes to my body that cancer has forced me to make, I want my life back without fear of the future, or the future that may go on without me. I don’t even wanna shake myself outta it, b*llocks Ive earned the right to have these feelings, who fecking skips into surgery going JUST ANOTHER DAY?, who dosn’t worry about p*xy lymph nodes and the results?, do you no what? Im fed up of being scared, its either the desease itself or the effing cure, but someone is always trying to scare the wits outta me, and then tell me it will be alright, I will be FINE, do you know what FINE stands for? Freaked Out, Insecure, Neurotic, an Emotional, so yep lovely lady I’m ABSOLUTLY F I N E !!! I’ve just endured a 3 hour pre op, where theve told me I will have a hickman line (thank god put in once I’m out) stitched into my neck for 3 days, have blood transfusions, am very high risk of blood clot in my lung, chest infection, due to the fact that I’m gonna be out for according to the team for15 fecking hours, maybe longer, 20 is the record for longest, 10 the shortest, have a catheter, may have to go back to theatre (3 times is the most they will give it a go), have a breast surgeon scoop out my breasts whilst the plastic surgery team are opening up my stomach, get no sleep for three days due to constant monitoring, (well I’m practising tonight as I do every night) the list is endless of what can go wrong, the fecking plastic surgeons and anethertist (who knows how you spell it) go for breaks during surgery!!! They have to have a blood flow to my reconstructed breast for an hour BEFORE they fecking close it, X 2 cos both are being done, I may wake up in intensive care or high dependency, depends, if I make 72 hours with no revisit to theatre well lucky me gets onto the ward. Oh and do you no what the fecking nurse said who had me in explaining the horrors, she said, “YOUR BE FINE”“, weve only lost 3% our stats are good, !!! Yell Yippee Yi Ya. And then when I’ve survived all that, cos I will cos I fecking have to, well I may have chemo to look forward to, deep joy, as she said any more questions, feck me, cant shower for a week no nail varnish, hair like a fecking grannies, breath like a dog, no tit* that have got any feeling in, no nipples, walking bent double (thats waht she said), belly button repositioned, dressings under my arm lymoh nodes, on both breasts ( I will have anchor scars) across my stomach enough drains to make me a seive, and people actually have the audacity to tell me I’m lucky cos Im getting a new pair of Tit* and a tummy tuck, yeh I feel really lucky, THEY WOULDNT SWOP THO WOULD THEY? On my usual jovial note, hang on have to retrieve my sense of humor, they did an ECG, the nurse looking at it, saying well she wasnt qualified to read it but they would have to get a doctor to check it over, I went back into the waiting room telling my girls theres sommat wrong with my ECG, the nurses faces said it all, YEP there was, they had attatched the wires wrong so my heart looked as if it was back to front!”!!< another ECG later alls well, well until I go see the B C nurse as above and we start the scare the wits otta ya mylarky. Good old Monsieur Smirnoff, perhaps you put too much coke in it. I’m not ranting just accepting, , Youve had 6 biopsy, dont worry about how long youve been diagnosed I was diagnosed on the 20th November!!! They said I was LUCKY, GRRRRRRRRR, cos I had the luxury of having the time to make the decision, then christmas got in the way, Yeh I don’t feel too lucky, I feel rinshed out, to be fair I’m thinking sod it, how long would I have with no treatment? But thats selfish too, my family would never understand if I didn’t try. I’m past the shaking stage, I will join you in throughly P*ssed Off
Sending hugs and love
Bloss XXX
Dear all thank you for taking the time to reply and all your thoughts, I seem to have pulled myself together this morning (see how long it lasts) and it helps so much when other people can really understand how you are feeling. My poor hubby doesn’t know what to do and bless him he’s getting on my nerves with looking so mournful that I felt I had to point out he is depressing me further and could he look a bit cheerier (how horrible am I! ).
Blossom, you make me howl in a very good way what a #%/ way to spend your day, I do take my hat off to you though when I looked at reconstruction I bottled it and decided it would be an implant if needed ?.
Here’s hoping for a better day all round, thank you lovely peeps.
Helly x
Hi helly I’ve had the unraveling days too I’m 42 with a 13 year old. We have to beat this, we have a great chance with all the research and treatments now. Thinking of you, I know what it’s like to not be able to get through the next few minutes let alone days. Lots of love, Sarah xx
Hi everyone. Thank you for the good wishes for today. Surgery provisionally booked for 29th Feb. My comedian dad said lucky it’s a leap year then else you wouldn’t be having the op haha father!! Blossom I know I’ve said this on the other thread but I really take my hat off to you. But did have to chuckle at the ECG leads.
I am heartily pick of being told I’m a strong woman. What fecking choice do I have? I come across as strong but inside I’m a gibbering wreck. Dreading work on Monday. I just want to carry on as normal, not have to deal with everyone’s well meant comments or comfort people who are upset for me like I had to the other day. I know it’s well meant but it doesn’t bloody help. It doesn’t matter how old our kids are or even if we have them none of us want to leave. I hate that swear word that begins with c but actually now there’s this c word I hate even more. Off now to try and achieve what used to be a favourite pastime - sleep. Now it seems even that has deserted me xx
Well some good news for a change biopsy number 6 was clear so booked in for snb, wle and therapeutic mammoplasty 24th. Hopefully I’ve made the right decision and heres hoping for clear margins, nodes and no other surprises ?.
Bottyboo, it’s bloomin hard trying to be strong for others whilst crumbling inside in fact it’s p***g me right off and I can’t remember the last time I slept properly which probably doesn’t help the coping mechanism either. Big hugs to everyone xxxxx
Bottyboo, also meant to say good news that you have date fir op ut gives something to focus on x
Thank you Helly. It does give me a focus. Great news on your biopsy 24th eek that’s so close it really really does help having a date doesn’t it xx
Hi Helly, passing through from Sept chemo thread. I am 2/3 of the way through treatment. Had chemo and a mastectomy, just waiting for radiotherapy.
I remember when I found the cancer, it was as I was getting ready for an wedding reception. Too late to see a gp and the thought of seeing all those happy celebrating people was so hard. 1week later I was told it was 2 cancers and a metastatic lymph node. It felt like my world stopped. All my plans disappeared. I was numb but had to keep going all the time I wanted to scream. It is awful but you can get through it. The waiting between appointments and treatment starting is horrible. Once treatment starts things slow a little and you get a better grip on your life again. Don’t put up a front for other people. It is time to focus on you. Close friends will know there’s something wrong. You will come to rely on them so much during treatment. I had friends just turn up with homemade soups and crumble.
I am only now starting to think further ahead. It does have an end but take it one day at a time. x
Aww Sarah you’ve said exactly what I was thinking. Will there ever be a time it’s not the first thing we think of when we wake up or the last thing we think of at night. Xx
Dear fiesty flora and suzyeb thank you so much for your comments it really helps to hear from those who are at the other side and seeing there is some “normal” ahead as I just sant see that far ahead at the moment xxxx