I was diagnosed with bc in july last year it has always been a big fear for me yet when it came to it i didn’t fall to pieces like i thought i would. i took each day as it came and just did as i was told. i don’t have much in the way of family (long story) am separated and have 2 teenage girls who i didn’t want to worry so i went to all my appointments biopsy chemo radiotherapy oncologist on my own. i seemed to be ok but after 2 months on tamoxifen i am a mess i have horrendous night sweats anxiety and i guess depression, i look at my life and think whats the point.
I am paying a huge mortgage due to my ex getting us into debt and having to remortgage to pay it off but he isn’t paying his half though he wants half the house when its sold so i have been paying it for 7 years on my own i’m self employed and had to go back to work half way through my chemo which was tough he didnt even offer to help then despite the kids. i have contacted macmillan but to be honest they have been no help they just said you can get £7.18 rebate from council tax and there are allways food banks oh god i have worked all my life to end up like this i’m not lazy i don’t think the world owes me a living and yet Some days i really don’t know how i can go on i just want a break for someone to say ‘here’ let me help you with that i’ll carry the load for a little while
God i feel so pathetic i am just so exhausted and hate this overwhelming anxiety, i am scared i may just loose the will altogether. i don’t know where to go who to talk to i don’t want people to see me as some pathetic waste of space .
its actually 3 months of tamoxifen and i think 5 years of this and i will be in a straight jacket. anyway sorry for this moan i am going to take myself off for a run its the only think that has kept me sane throughout this whole mess
Hello Amanda ,you are not pathetic - you have had a horrendous year and are in a place that a lot of us find ourselves when active treatment finishes trying to process what the hell has just happened .Anxiety and depression are pretty common in the months afterwards and Tamoxifen can affect mood also .Have you spoken to GP about how you are feeling there ? Have you tried different brands of Tamoxifen, some seem to cause less side effects than others . On the financial front it might be worth looking into a PIP application if you still have ongoing issues following treatment - you can still work whilst in receipt of PIP - Macmillan or welfare rights will help you complete the form .I know we want to protect our children but maybe now is the time to get your teenagers helping a bit more ( I have one too - was hard but had to rely on him quite a lot last year - payback for all the years of good care !) .Have you sought some advice re your rights in terms of your house - I doubt very much your husband will be entitled to half if he has not paid the mortgage for 7 years !!! Come and talk to us here - anxiety is truly horrible I suffer myself - rubbish way to start the day isn’t it ?
Ok - well first thing - re-apply for PIP - ring up today and restart the claim.Make an appointment with Macmillan to help you fill in the form .It took me 2 weeks to fill in the form with support and made me feel really ill so I can totally understand - but you may get some income that will help .I tried anti- depressants and they had similar impact on me - Ive been in that dark place and it is very very scary and it is very hard to explain to anyone who has not been there how that feels .Anxiety wears you down and leaves you will very little resources to deal with other life stresses .Have you discussed how the Tamoxifen is making you feel with Oncologist /breast care nurse ? They may suggest a break of a few weeks to acertain whether is it the medication making you feel this way .Do you have a local cancer charity you can go to for some support - we have one locally that offers counselling and other complimentary therapies to help with anxiety .Do you have a friend that you can share how you are feeling ? I know it’s hard showing your vulnerability it unlesss people realise how bad you are feeling how can they help ? I’ve found that bit very hard but so grateful for the support I’ve had from my close friends .Could you also go back to GP to discuss how you are feeling ? The Nurses in the helpline here are also really good - why don’t you ring for a chat ?
It’s easy to look back at how you could have done things differently but it won’t change anything so no point in using up your energy to beat yourself up .Have you referred yourself for counselling - there is quite a wait on the NHS round here .Do you have a good friend you could confide in - it would help if you had some practical and emotional support .
PS you are not weak - you are ill .
You’re welcome, we all have days when we just need to off load .I hope you catch a break from your bad luck soon .
Hi Amanda, Don’t apologise for off loading, you have enough going on even without breast cancer being thrown in the mix, it’s no wonder you are feeling so stressed out! Jill had given you great advice and all I wanted to add really was have you spoken to the Citizens advice? They can help with pretty much everything and their advice is free.
The most pressing issue is money and you will be entitled to something it’s just knowing what and where to turn for it, like most of us who have always worked and supported ourselves we don’t have a clue when it comes to asking for Help!
Do you have the house up for sale? When it comes to joint mortgages your ex can walk away and not pay leaving you fully liable but if he’s in agreement to selling up then I would do so rather than risk losing it and all the problems that will bring with it. Your far from pathetic, your doing a great job of keeping everything going so don’t be so hard on yourself!
Maybe get a list of priorities and deal with one at a time, I know it’s easy for me to say but it won’t go away and a problem solved and ticked off the list will help your state of mind enormously, however insurmountable they seem Im a firm believer that every problem has a solution ?
XxJo
Glad you are feeling a little better Amanda .Certainly having some sleep helps you have the energy to cope with the other stuff you have to deal with .