Hi Linda
I’m so sorry you’ve found yourself in this vile situation - that was me 18 months ago and I’m still here and recovered. It’s a very scary world to get sucked into and I found myself with severe anxiety a few times but my surgical and later my oncology teams bent over backwards to help me. I made a decision to just trust them and hand myself over to them, which is very unlike me. I told them all my fears and expected solutions - and got them! It worked very well for me.
Quick bit of background - I had two tumours and a skin breakout (after a clear mammogram!), so I had a full mastectomy and axillary clearance. 19 of my 21 lymph nodes were found to be infected. My CT and bone scans showed no further spread and then I had 18 weeks of chemo, followed by radiotherapy, with Zometa infusions every 6 month for 3 years and hormone therapy for 10 years. My most recent MRI showed no cancer anywhere. I am probably a lot older than you (68) and don’t have your family responsibilities. I have had chronic mental health problems, including a phobia for vomiting, since adolescence so I did have a few panic attacks initially.
Try not to get bogged down in what I call cancer language (Ductal? Lobular? Aggressive? What difference does it make except to scare the wits out of us?) and definitely do not Google anything - it can be disastrous because it’s all general, not specific to your unique situation. Don’t start predicting life expectancy - statistics are pointless and very alarming. If you have questions, ring your team or ring the nurses here at the number above. They are incredibly reassuring and very knowledgeable.
There is nothing you can do to change your diagnosis and your treatment plan (unless you choose to disagree with your specialists for particular reasons, as very occasionally some women do). So, all you can do is accept it and get on with it, knowing your team has your best interests in mind. You have an amazing husband, who you’ll need every step of the way.
Chemo isn’t necessarily as bad as we fear. Given my phobia, I was terrified, but I never felt sick or was sick; they have all that sorted now. Some women sail through it - one woman posting earlier this week had carried on working and been away on holiday. Other women, myself included, are knocked for six and feel like zombies much of the time. Most are somewhere between and you have no idea where you’ll be till you start it. The actual treatment is fine - people sit and chat to each other. In the good old days before social distancing, everyone had a friend with them and only once in all my treatments did I see someone feel poorly, and she was dealt with very quickly. It’s once the steroids wear off (day 5) that the real effect of the chemo is evident.
What I want to say is that it’s all doable. They describe it as a rollercoaster ride and I think that’s spot on. Emotional and mental wellbeing are a huge part of it. So you need to take active steps now to deal with the anxiety and fear. Some people already have their own methods, like mindfulness or running. Personally, I found YouTube was my saviour- there are videos you can plug into that will help with relaxation, insomnia, anxiety… my favourite was Progressive Hypnosis’ Manifest Healing. She saw me through some tough times and I still plug in my earphones regularly. Don’t ignore how you’re feeling. If it feels unmanageable, talk to your doctor or your team - these are exceptional times for you and they will know how best to help you. Don’t be fobbed off with ‘every woman feels frightened’ (as one GP told me) if you know your fear is unmanageable.
I’m sorry I can’t be more upbeat and encouraging - the whole situation is sh*t. But, like I said, it’s manageable and there are thousands of women using this site who bear witness to that fact. I hope your CT scan results are good and you can start your chemo soon - but do be ready for lots of waiting. Waiting for test results, waiting for appointments, waiting to see a doctor, always waiting. All the best,
Jan x