Hi
Yesterday I received the devastating news that one of my closest friends was diagnosed with breast cancer. This is on top of two years of horrible events in her family’s life.
If any of you could offer me some advise as to how I can help her, or what she may be wanting or needing.
I would really appreciate any advise that any of you are willing to share with me.
MrsP
just give her your ear!, listen to her and let her know you are there,… we all have some great friends (not always those you thought would be the best)one of mine just gives me a call checks if im ok asks if i want to be taken out,or any jobs done… best wishes
What charlotte says, really.
If you’re offering help, rather than the “let me know if there’s anything I can do” phrase, offer something specific. I found that I have not felt able to ask anyone who’s made the vague offer, but have accepted specifics like “if you need to go somewhere and don’t feel like driving, give me a ring” or “I’m going to Sainsbury, do you need me to pick anything up for you?” or even “I’d be happy to drive you to your appointments if you want. I could come in with you or just wait outside, it’s up to you.”
But most of all, be there to talk about NOT cancer stuff. Once the dust has settled after the diagnosis I just got really BORED talking about cancer, so just spending time with people and talking about non-cancer stuff was such a relief.
You could invite her out for coffee and cake, or lunch if that’s the sort of thing you generally do with her. Lots of things.
Or invite her over for a girlie night with a bottle of wine or a mug of cocoa.
Lots of things, and not necessarily biggies. Knowing that your friends are there for you and not scared to just phone up and say hello with no other motive is such a help.
Oh, nearly forgot to say. Thank you for being a good friend. It is tough for you too, we know this, but it’s good you’re still there for her. Feel free to come on here and offload if you feel the need.
Ah, thought of another thing. Suggest to your friend that she comes on here and says hello. She’ll find lots of people here who will be able to give her the sort of support that you can’t get from people who aren’t in quite the same situation. Sadly, there are loads of us.
I agree with Charlotte - just be there for her and perhaps just pop in unexpectedly or take her out for a coffee/lunch/trip anyway. It doesn’t have to be a big gesture. Even if you can do something like practical help in the house.
I think a lot of us would say you really find out your friends at this time and they can be surprising. Lots of people seem to find those they thought would be there for them aren’t and vice versa. I can’t say that but I have ‘revived’ old friendships with girls I used to work with and it’s great.
It’s lovely of you to come on here too and ask how you can help - hope that doesn’t sound condescending cos it’s not meant to be!
Liz
hi
I agree with the others. Just be there for her, offer to do specific things but it is also what you say as well as what you do that matters. When I went through my treatment I had a friend who I knew I could ring at anytime to go for a coffee and chat. She once said - "don’t ever be lonely " and those few words meant so much at the time.
You should also direct her to this forum as there is so much good advice and support for every stage.
Hope all works out Ok for her
best woshes
carol
I agree with all the advice that’s been given.
Just to add that I found the waiting between diagnoses and treatment the worst. Immediately post-op had lots of visitors and contact with friends. Now I’m 4 months on from op and over 1/2 way thru chemo, spontaneous contact from distant friends has dropped off a bit.
Don’t forget to talk about ‘normal’ stuff. Some friends start feeling guilty if they realise they’ve been having a moan about something that they then feel is trivial by comparison to what I’m going thru - but I love it. Trying to keep as normal as poss and working as much as poss has really helped me.
Your friend is lucky to have someone so thoughtful that you’ve come on here spontaneously to find out what’s best. I’d say trust your instincts - you know her better than we do!
Good luck - you are both going on a journey and not all of it is bad!
D