I am new to the forum. I am asking for advice from you guys on how to support a family member who has recently got her referal appointment date. Its just after Easter.We don’t want to overload her with texts, phone calls, visits etc, but don’t want to appear as if we don’t care…we do we are devastated and upset, but don’t know what to do for the best. We are going with her to the appointment, in fact went to the initial doctors appointment. What advice do any of you have for us.
Thanks
Baba
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Hi Baba
Sorry to hear that your family member is having to deal with this. I am in the same boat as you - my sister was diagnosed on Saturday morning. Knowing what to say and do and how to behave isn’t something we normally have to consider with such close family members and I am sure, like me, you are desperate to help in any way you can.
I spent today with my sister, and parents and her husband just helping out around the house, anxious to help but not swamp her. Needless to say the distraction of having us there was just what was needed…albeit everyone is different and I am sure others may need space.
My sister and I had a good chat together later on. It really helped me try and understand how she’s feeling, and I realised very quickly that I won’t fully understand because unless you have had to go through this awful thing, you just can’t know. My sister doesn’t know herself as the news is so raw right now. But being there for her, being normal around her and most of all letting her know that I’d do ANYTHING I can to help is important. I get so much strength from my sister - I hope that she can get some from me too. For me this isn’t a time to crumble with emotion as I know that my sister will then try and help me - it’s a time to be strong and be there no matter what.
I hope that your family member is coping, and you too. Being on this forum proves how much you care and that in itself is such a blessing.
All the very best to you and yours x
This is the most difficult part. At this point you need to remember that the huge majority of referrals are not cancer.
The first appointment seems to vary.There will probably be a mammogram or ultrasound scan - possibly both. What happens next will depend upon what the docs see. If they are suspicious, they may well take a biopsy.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions - depending upon what they see, you may get to see both docs and a breast nurse. The nurses tend to put things in more understandable terms.
At the moment, life as close to normal as possible is the best bet.
Here’s hoping that in a couple of weeks you are all laughing at how worried you were.
Paul.
Thanks guys,
at the moment she is keeping busy and beginning to let close friends and family know of the situation, which must be so hard, because by doing that I think must be an acknowledgement that something is amiss, and that must be a huge step in itself, as I would think the gut instinct would be to not want to accept you’ve found something.
I myself found a lump many years ago, when i was in my 30’s, had the tests and a lumpectomy…it turned out to be benign, so I have a little idea of the emotions that must be running through her mind. Unfortunately she found her lump some time ago, and for whatever reason she had not dealt with it or told anyone till last week…so don’t know what impact that will have on things.
Anymore advice and support from you guys gratefully received.
Baba
x
Hi
I’m in the same boat too. My Mum has been diagnosed today and quite honestly I’m struggling. I’m worried that because I’m finding it hard to come to terms with it that it’ll make it worse for her. Am hoping that by coming on here I can find a different outlet while remaining strong for her.
Jo x
My dear sister in law is having her second chemo this week.She has stage 3. She is being so brave. I found the post ‘tips on surviving chemo’ very helpful and my sis in law has used some of them as she battles with side affects. Loss of hair has started, wig bought and scarves ready, this I think seems to be the big emotional one…it has certainly hit me, and reality has sunk in…so I have had some weeps about it all, goodness knows how she is coping. I think it is wonderful to have a forum like this where folks can share their ‘journey’ in a ‘virtual’ way.
Hi,
I hope you dont mind me adding something here. I am currently having chemo at the moment having been diagnosed in Feb (I’m 37). The single most thing i have suffered with is fatigue, so some help with practical tasks is also good. Housework, meals, that kind of thing. My friend baked me a cake…little gestures like that (bear in mind chemo messes with the taste buds).
Just letting your loved one know you are there any time helps.
All sorts of things run through your mind when diagnosed…will i die? how will i cope? what will my future look like? then there is the treatment, surgery, radiotherapy…relationships, body image issues…
Another thing i have struggled with is feeling guilty as i cant do what i used to be able to. I was quite active before and loved being out and about. Now i just cant do it. My family understand but i get very frfustrated with myself. My emotions swing from fear, frustration, sadness, anger… a real rollercoster…
My family and friends have been great…just knowing they are there is a help. Friends have offered to take me to chemo or keep me company, take me to appointments…that kind of thing…
I hope that helps a little…i’m happy to answer any questions…
Rae
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