how can i prepare my 5 year old

i can not lie too him about next week, cos im gonna be dropping him at school, then il be in hospita when he gets home. he knows ive been to the hospital twice and thankfully hasnt asked any questions cos i really wouldnt know how t explain to a five year old that mummy really is not well. im finding myself really irritated and even snapped at him yesterday when he started playing up, which made me feel guilty. any ideas on how i can explain things to him, especially why ive got to stay in hospital would be great

Hi madgal1979

Have you had a look at BCC’s publication regarding talking to your children? I have posted the link to the publication for you below. You can either download it or order a copy on line.

breastcancercare.org.uk//content.php?page_id=669

Hope this helps.

Kind regards
Lucy, Moderator
Breast Cancer Care

Hi Madgal

When I had BC in 2004 when my children were 6 and 4. The way I dealt wth it is tell them straight! Granted, I am the sort of person who would rather say ‘look at my scar’ and start talking about it than have people feeling awkward. It was the same with my kids - I got them involved. The only thing that freaked my daughter was when I shaved my head!

I also said sorry and explained if i was snappy to them - parents like children can have bad days

Hope this helps

Sam B

Hi Madgal

I’m nearly finished chemo, 2 more to go, dx Feb, 2 lots of surgery, March/April. My kids are 9 and 5. Once I’d had my diagnoses we sat them down and explained that I had a lump in my boob, I needed an operation and then medicine that was going to make me poorly, but in the end it would make me better, and that it was going to be a hard year, but we would all get through it and we had loads of people to help us - I have an amazing support network of family and friends.

My daughter (9) realized immediately that it was cancer and burst into heartwrenching sobs - all she could say was ‘I don’t want you to die’! We weren’t prepared for that at all and it was difficult to hold it together, but I kept reassuring her and over the months she has calmed down. She hates the idea that someone will see me without hair so I made sure I had a wig sorted before it even fell out, and never fetch her from school without my head well covered. It took her a while to take a look at the mastectomy scar, which I don’t blame her for as I find it pretty disfiguring! She is such a middle class child really - was very upset that she didn’t get a summer holiday in villa with pool, which tends to be the norm for us, so a good character building moment for her really!

My son (5) has just taken everything in his stride. He looked at the scar as soon as the bandage was off, and occasionally checks to see if it has grown back. He couldn’t be bothered about my hair and the thing that has impressed him most was how good I am at being sick - I’ve had a rather extreme reaction to chemo!

Another thing i did was ring and speak to both head teachers, so school were warned and knew what was going on in the case of any behavioural diffculties. There haven’t been any and the response from nursery was wonderful - they do morning and afternoons and as soon as I told them they agreed to keep my little lad for full days whenever I needed them to, and I’ve taken them up on the offer regularly.

I warn the kids every time before chemo, so it never comes as a shock when I take to my bed, and they’ve got used to doing stuff with daddy on his own - slightly nerve wracking for me as my OH is a little scatty at the best of times, but so far everyone is surviving.

Small chunks of info, as calmly as possible, and I’m sure it will all be fine. My kids have seen me fall apart a few times, and each time I just explain that I’m tired/sore/sick etc, and I’ll be fine.

Hope this helps and big hugs.

Jane

My daughter is 4 and a half (I was dx in June) and has taken it all surprisingly well. I have not lied to her but I have not told her that I have cancer either - I didn’t think she needed to hear that word at her age.

I told her that Mummy has a poorly booby & that I had to go to the hospital so the doctors could make it better - no graphic details.I told her I was having injections & showed her the marks from the injections they gave me in my stomach but I didn’t labour about my other scars, I didn’t feel that she’d like the thought of Mummy being cut open - so I just didn’t tell her that part, but everyone is different.

She took it hard when I had to go in for a week for my lumpectomy & node removal as we’d only spent one night apart before & I’m a full time mum so I wasn’t there for her day or night like I always have been.

She came to visit me in hospital & the first visit was hard for both of us but she got used to it but was so relieved when I was home. Now I’m having chemo & she understands that Mummy doesn’t always feel so well & gets very tired. She’s getting used to be looked after more by other people - I think kids bounce back quite easily, especially if you can reassure them that the change is short term.

She doesn’t really like me having no hair & asks me to put wigs on but I let her put them on too so we have a bit off fun with it - she shaved my head for me & likes to paint it with face paints too.

I think at the end of the day you know your child best & you will know how much detail he can take on board. Just don’t throw too much at him at once - it’s a long journey for all of us & it will seem so much longer for a 5 yr old. There’s no rush. Don’t beat yourself up about snapping at him - you are going through a lot of stress & it’s to be expexted. See it as a Mummy tantrum!

My 2 year old incidently is totally unfazed and likes to rub my bald head.

Good luck with it all - I’m sure you’ll both be fine.

x

Hi Madgal
I’ve got a 7 year old and have dealt with it all in a very similar way to Jane and Sam B. We’ve been low key but pretty straight with her - telling her that Mum has some bad cells in her boob and the doctors are working really hard to make them go away. We did tell her the illness was called cancer. This worked for us - it allowed her I think to feel a bit a control - I’ve overheard her talking to her friends, sounding full of authority. But of course there is quite a big difference between 5 and 7…I think its all been less dramatic for her than we feared…so far anyway. She recently had a conversation with her older cousin who she hadn’t seen in a while and her cousin asked her how things were at home and she said "Well, the cat’s got fleas and Mum’s got cancer…’ I don’t think that is really a true reflection of the priority she is giving it (although it would be wonderful if it was!) but I don’t think she is too worried. She talks mostly about my hair and what it will be like if it falls out and so on.
I’m sure Jane is right in what she says about small chunks of info and staying calm. And we also have talked to the school and parents of her close friends so that they know what is going on (they have been great - lots of offers of help and support).
Good luck and all the best to you.
Jo
x

hi madgal
my little girl was nearly 4 and my boy 7, i was amazed just how much my son understood i told them both that mummy had a lump in her boob, he immediately asked if it was cancer , and i first said no but as reatments progressed i told him it was, my oh and i explained i had to have some medicine to make a lump in my boob go away he gave me a big hug asked if i was going to be ok and went to his playstation, my little girl cried buckets when my hair started falling out, but now they take it in their stride, there are some fantastic books available for children about cancer they are illustrated as stories i borrowed 1 from my local cancer care services , they are illustrated in childrens language and are very good , my son enjoyed reading it to me and kept saying “mum thats just like you” . my litle girl has taken more in than we realised whilst at the swings with her grandparents she announced to everybody "mummys minky has fallen off “!!! also it was the school holidays when my hair fell out so not many from school knew about my cancer , the 1st day i ever wore anything on my head i had to take my son to a birthday party i was very self conscious and he ran ahead shouting " hey everyone look at my mum she is bold” and started explaining about my lump to his mates then they all ran off and played !!! you will find your own way when you start talking to them, as others have said small bits at a time, children are so unpredictable ! 1 mistake i did make was to really spoil them when i was 1st diagnosed and i didnt want to get mad at them for anything and i wouldnt let my oh tell them off, and they did get quite naughty so as the weeks have progressed we ave had to install discipline again and they are much better for it.
good luck to you
love galen x

Hi,

My children are older than yours but have been through a previous health problem that I had, that caused a lot of time in hospital, surgery etc. I was more concerned about my younger son (aged 12) as he is very sensitive and took things badly last time (he was 6 years old then and we didn’t tell him everything). I explained to him that I had a little bit of cancer that the doctors are removing. I explained the treatment to him and emphasised the fact that I am not worried as it is being dealt with and that he doesn’t need to worry because I’m not worried. I also spoke to his head of year and form tutor. This has worked out well and he has coped remarkably well.

Good luck,

Kat x

Hiya

My children are 3 (4 in December) and 10 months old. Obviously the baby is oblivious to it all. But have told my little girl that mummy is poorly and has to go to hospital for lots of drugs that might make mummy sick. Her response “I want to see you be sick” - is that charming or what. Thankfully NOT been sick. She also watched me have my hair shaved off, and was so ok with it, I thought she might be funny, but she was fine. But then hubby had his hair cut short and she was like “don’t cut all my daddy’s hair off”. Not sure why ok for mine, but not daddys.

It is hard, and depends on what they understand. Mine is too little really as she doesn’t understand what poorly is. But suppose it doesn’t really allow her to worry or suffer as she doesn’t understand.

Think you have to go by your own instincts as to what they can take in and handle really. They are all so different. Yours is different as got to stay in hospital, but when we thought that i was to have mascectomy, we told her mummy was going to hospital for few days and she could visit. Tried to make it all sound so simple.

ANyway, good luck and let us know how you go.

Dawn
x

ok thanks, i mite see if the macmillan nurse maybe able to help with this as well, or even my friend who has recently started approaching her last two weeks of radio thearpy. thanks all for your advice

I told my 6yr daughter in stages, when I came home with a dressing for the core biopsy we joked about how mummy had the largest plaster in the world, I think she told the whole school and tried to lift my top up to show everyone! I then told her that I’d be having nasty medicine that would make me feel yucky and it was going to start to make mummy better but I’d lose my hair, so we went and got matching bandannas which she loved. I did tell her that it was cancer as I didn’t want any child or thoughtless parent saying something before I could tell her and surprisingly she was fine about that. Now we discuss my bi-mastectomy, the only thing she was worried about was who was going to look after her, we joked about where mummy could get some new boobs from, not from her they’re too small, maybe daddy’s but she pointed out that he’s too hairy, she settled on her pet gerbils one in each cup. All along I have just let small details slip into conversation and we’ve always found something funny about it and have had a good laugh. If I don’t make a big deal about it then she doesn’t either.

Good luck

Debbie
x

Hello

I think it is up to you. You know your children best. We tell ours just before things are going to happen. (they are 5 and 3 and have no real idea of time concept._ Have not used the word Cancer but as the others have said told them what they will understand. My 5 year old takes in her stride but the 3 year old has been very clingy and keeps asking when I will go back into hospital although we have yet to tell him about the end of the month.

Take Care

Anne