How did your kids cope?
How did your kids cope? I have 5 year old twin boys - age 4 when I was diagnosed - and I would say on the whole that they have coped well with the upheaval that my diagnosis has caused. Not only have they had Mummy disappearing to hospital for days on end on two occasions but they have had to adjust to a new kids after school/holiday club , stays with grandma and grandad when they have never stayed away from Mum or Dad before, entering a new class in September, and of course quite a fraught stressed Mum.
However just recently one of the boys has been in a bit of trouble at school - getting quite aggressive, silly and generally disruptive. Some other parents have complained about his behaviour too as he has upset a few other pupils.
At home its also plain to see that he’s harbouring quite a lot of anger and, although I don’t want to lay it all at the door of breast cancer - he could be a handful before the diagnosis - I do think there is a delayed reaction going on here. I’m feeling stressed and low at the moment anyway and this is really not helping. I really want to help him but feel pretty low on my own resources. I have discussed with my counsellor who has given some useful advice but just wondered if anyone else has also had similar problems with their kids.
Thanks
Twinmummy
Hi, Both mine were 11 and 7 when I was diagnosed last year and looking back I feel that at their age it was much easier for them to understand the problem than the ages you describe your twins are at. It’s difficult at 4 or 5 to understand the diagnosis and also to be able to make sense of the change in routine and mood of the adults around them. Their behaviour is to my mind a natural result of this but it doesn’t make it any easier to know how to deal with it. My instinct would be to be as open as possible with them about your diagnosis explaining it in simple terms and not making it too dramatic . I can remember telling mine that the diagnosis meant that life would be very boring and tedious for several months while I had the treatment but that life could resume normality once I had finished the treatment.
My seven year old daughter needed more explanation about the physical changes that were to take place eg boob removal, hair loss. I showed her a small marble and described how what was growing in my boob was just like the marble but it could grow and that’s why I was having my boob taken away. Both children now see me in the bath and shower and just take it as natural to see their mum so lopsided. They make comments like “freak” etc but we always laugh about it.
Take all the advice you can from your counsellor, explain what is going on with the teacher and the parents. I still think that anyone who hasn’t gone through this can ever imagine what we go through physically and mentally. So in order to explain why your children may be behaving in a difficult fashion occasionally , these other adults need to be reminded of the situation you and your family are having to live with at the moment and that your kids may need more reassurance not only from their immediate family but also attention and reassurance from their teachers and other contacts.
I hope things work out for you. I only know that having children brought me so much strength but also the very fact of loving my children so intensely has made it all the more difficult to cope with.
Frances
Help for your son Hi twinmummy
I don’t have children, but have worked with children and young people.
I wonder if some counselling for your son could be helpful…I think an organisation like MacMillan might be able to recommend therapists or counsellors who work with children or perhaps the school could help, or your own counsellor could suggest someone.
I think its so important that your son doesn’t get labelled as a trouble maker at such a young age…and it must be so hard for you to know what’s the best thing to do to help him. It IS traumatic for children to know their mum is ill…however much you have explained to him in appropriate language he will have many difficult feelings which he probably can’t make sense of himself.
very best wishes
Jane
Further advice Hi Twinmummy
I am sorry to hear of your concerns about your son’s behaviour following your diagnosis and treatment. Breast Cancer Care publishes a booklet on the issue of talking with children about diagnosis which you may find is of some help.
I have given the link here:
breastcancercare.org.uk/docs/talking_with_children_0.pdf
This can be either downloaded or ordered through this website.
I do hope you find this useful.
Kind regards
Online Host
Breast Cancer Care
It is hard with kids, mine were 5 and 6 at my dx in 2004.
They go through a hard time starting school and everything changing around them. Dont feel guilty boys can be little b*ggers WITHOUT mums with bc.
Loads of hugs, tell them whats happening in ways they can understand and really importantly give them jobs to do so they can see that they can help and make a difference. This made a massive difference when they could see I was struggling and they got praise for ‘making it better’.
Mine are 8 and 9 now and have come thru really well, whatever you do DONT feel guilty.
Steph x
Hi
I do understand - I was diagnosed 3 weeks before my youngest turned 5 and the twins were 8. The 5 yr old has been more of a worry as he does not have the words to express his anxiety so does show his anxiety in lots of disruptive behaviour in school. He won’t settle and fiddles and moves around a lot and gets very tearful. I have not found his school too good at dealing with this and hope that when he moves into junior school in september he will get the emotional support that the junior school have given the twins.
I would ask to speak to the school nurse and see if the school has acess to an ed psych or emotional literacy assistant so they can help him express his worries and then his behaviour should improve.
He’s been through so many changes and little ones are often ‘naughty’ when they are scared or worried. I’m sure it will settle down but I know the feeling when a parent complains about your child’s behaviour.
I try hard to make ‘special’ time for each one and that seems to help. My little one also gets extremely constipated when he is worried so that adds to his disruptive behaviour as well. He was seen by a children’s psychiatric nurse last year following hospitalistion for his constipation but all they could come up with was that he was scared I would die so that wasn’t a huge step forward!!!
I would say be patient with him and try to praise anything good he does and do ask him if anything is worrying him and try to give some reassurance.
I hope he settles down quickly but they are big major changes for you all and each child reacts differently to these situations.
Sorry - not much advice but I do understand. Hope things improve
Kate