I’m signing up here because I think I’m going to have a few questions, and althought I understand its great to talk sometimes I think I’d rather ask a question here than ask her.
A quick into to my situation is my girlfriend got diagnosed with a pre-cancer tumor last week. She needs to have a masectomy on one side. and is at the stage so far where a coloured dye was injected into the tumor and the lypphnodes?? removed. We are now waiting for details on operation dates etc.
I just feel so useless and helpless. She is younger than me (21, Im 25) and I’ve always looked after her as she hasnt had it easy her whole life.
But with this one I feel powerless.
I dont know what to do, she keeps saying I wont love her anyone because she will be ugly but I know thats not the case. Its her I love not her body and any changes wont make a difference to me (i hope).
how can i re-assure her I still love her and want to be with her?
How can I make her feel pretty again afterwards?
How can I help her get back to feeling normal?
Where do i start?
Hi jack22
You are a very thoughtful boyfriend to be posting on here about your girlfriend’s diagnosis, treatment and effects it will have on you and her. I haven’t had a mastectomy myself but I’m bumping this up so that someon else might see it and help you. Either another partner in a similar position or a young lady who is in a similar potion to your girlfriend.
Good luck to you both.
Nicky
It sounds like I am at the same stage your girlfriend, except I have my mastectomy date. And am much older unfortunately.
She is very fortunate in having a supportive and loving boyfriend. What a lovely young man you are.
It is horrid to think about how grotesque you THINK you are going to look, I cried for ages one night with my quite supportive ex… With all the same concerns. This could really about how she THINKS she is going to feel about herself, I know it was with me. So for me, once I’d decided on the right op for me I researched it and found that the reconstructed boob looked fine… After that I’d made peace in my head. Everyone says “you will always be attractive” and that kind of thing but for me it was really about me liking me.
All I would say is look after her, do as much as you can without being asked, if she’s more needy be more patient… Let her cry and hold her tight, take her out all dressed up if that makes her feel good… I guess you probably want to fix this for her, but you can be by her side every step of the way… In an ever changing emotional roller coaster but I think you’ll get it right or you wouldn’t be on here…
You are both very young, my heart goes out to you both.
Hi Jack.
I am 37. I had a mastectomy two months ago. My cancer was invasive and I had affected a lymph node. Your GF’s cancer is pre cancerous (DCIS , i guess?) Might not seem it now, but that is great news- it hasn’t spread. So keep her positive about that. My husband has been amazing. We have a two year old wee boy. He has taken the brunt of looking after him when I felt ill after ops and also chemo. The main thing is he has been there to listen to me rant, wail, cry and never told me to stop talking about it. All the poor guy has heard from me for the past 3 months is breast cancer chat. So, let her talk, cry, shout and also hide away on her own if she wants. Field calls from concerned people- sometimes she might just not want to talk to anyone. Let her surf the net if that’s what she wants. some people might think it is unhealthy looking at cancer sites, but i found it a lifeline- esp. sites likes this and mcmillan. Find out as much as you can about her diagnosis. My hubby created a lever arch file with all different subsections and took time to understand everything so he could understand me and the doctors. Accompany her to the hospital appts if that’s what she wants. Sometimes your mind goes blank ( particularly if it is bad news) so it is invaluable to have another pair of ears to absorb the info. Tell her that if she is one boob down, you will love her no matter what. I’ve got the added complication of chemo and I am about to lose all my hair. My husband says he doesn’t give a jot. Poor guy- he married a slim, confident, woman with nice boobs and long blond hair. Now he’s got a one boob, bloated bald nervous one. But, you know what? he doesn’t care. He said he married me for better or worse and wants me, irrespective of my looks. You need to convey such sentiments to your girlfirend. Oh, and a nice bunch of flowers, big hugs and a few laughs really do help. I wish you both well. x
In addition to the peer support here you may find it helpful to read the BCC ‘In it together’ publication which is about support for partners, you can read/download a copy here:
Hi Jack,
Again i am abit older at 37 and will need a mastectomy…just having chemo at the moment so am rocking the bald look.
Re: surgery and confidence. I think a lot of it is about self esteem. Ihad the dye thing you are taling about. Its to see if the cancer has gone to the main lymph nodes.
Mine was done under general aneasthetic and it left a 3 cm scar. I then started my chemo.
re: the mastectomy… will she has immediate reconstruction? Is that an option. Some of the recons look brilliant…so she def wont look ugly.
I would say the key thing you do is reassure, and tell her you think she is beautiful. Tell her the things you have written below. That is her you love and not just her boobies
Its all about reassurance.
May be plan nice things for when its all over… look to the future and doing nice things together. If you talk and plan for the future it kind of means that you see the 2 of you together and you arent going anywhere.
Let her cry when she needs to cry, be an ear and just scoop her up and give her a big hug. When i am down just having my bf put his arms round me means a lot.
You seem lovely and caring even coming on here for advice. bless you.
Big hugs to you both.
If she ever did want to come on here she would get lots of support.
Hi jack. I am a little older than you - we are both in out forties. Your G/Fs concerns about your feelings and her body are perfectly understandable. We have spent so long telling our partners that we do like their bodies that is causes uncertainty when the body changes, especially quickly.
For us more logical blokes it is an uncomfortable position that is awkard. Yes I like your boobs. What? you are having one removed? Oh, it doesn’t matter that much.
I expect she will have the option for a reconstruction at some point.
My wife only had a lump removed rather than mastectomy, but it is still a noticeable change (on top of the scars) when she is undressed.
As time has gone on I have grown to like the changes in her body - the scar, the change in shape because of what they mean - I get to keep her!
We don’t have the same body image issues ladies have. Let’s face it, there’s many a tubby 40something bloke who gets himself ready for a night out, looks in the mirror and sees John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever looking back from the mirror!
I think the helplessness you have comes from two things - we don’t get body image the same as ladies and we are also often menders - we like fixing problems, and here we are with something that all we can do is trust others.
I second Kevin’s advice ‘just love her’. My husband (we’ve been married less than a year) loves me for me. He doesn’t care about the scars and the lack of a breast although I’m having reconstruction. He kept telling me and showing me how much he loved me. He’s supporting me in my choice as to whether to have reconstruction or not. He tells me if I don’t want it then it’s fine with him but if I do then he’s here 100%.
As Largerbloke (Paul) said, ‘men are fixers’. I agree - that’s what my husband likes to do, fix things and make his family happy - then he’s happy.
You’re doing a fantastic job just being here and asking - that in itself is amazing and shows such compassion.
Wow. Im amased by getting so many responces so fast. Thank you so much to everyone who has taken time to read my post and replied.
Its nice to know that I’m on the right path. Thanks Paul I think hereing another blokes perspective has helped.
It really doesnt matter to me what happens to her body. Its her that I love and always will. But now I understand a bit more that I can only help her with her body image issues. I guess she needs to deal with that herself, But i will stand by her during that.
I do feel like I should be able to do something to fix it. That makes me feel usless. I’ve never been in a situation where i feel so helpless.
I’m going to read the links and have a browse through the rest of the site.
I think you gusy are really going to help me with this. It makes me feel safer knowing there is somewhere I can ask my stupid questions.
Jack, first rule of this site - THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS A SILLY QUESTION!
And I think it’s lovely that you’ve come on here to ask questions, it shows just how much you do care.
Not being able to fix this must be really tough for you, but “just love her” is a great piece of advice.
My OH had a heart op last year and he has a mahooosive scar across his chest, but he’s rather proud of it, he treats it like his “battle scar”. But as has been said, blokes don’t have the same issues with body image generally as we women do.
You know your GF better than we do, would it help her to understand if you asked her how SHE would feel about YOU if you had to have, say, one of your arms cut off? Would she still love you? I suspect she’d say she would. That might help her to understand that you really mean it that you’ll still love her.
So, how did she get on? I hope all went well with the surgery. By normal timings you should be getting the pathology results around now, if you have not already got them.
Hope you are managing OK too!
P.
Hi guys, Sorry I know I should have replied a lot sooner. everyone from here really helped me have a great footing.
So quicm update:
Masectomy and reconstruction were perfect, even her care nurse was impressed with the quality of the work and she recovered quicky and was out after a few days! it was along recovery and she got a bit depressed but she got through it. So pround.
However after the operation further tests showed some “pre” cancer tissue in the lump, which was enougth for them to recommend Chemo, 6 sessions one every 3 weeks. From what I can tell this is a very mild dose and is just a precaution for reoccurance etc.
Physically she suffered badly the first two times, however she how have the right anti sickness drugs and a Pik/Puk??? line installed which was used in her third session which was last week. She seemed to react a lot better to this one, not sure if shes got use to the process, the new sickness drug or the line but VERY positive. she is still tiered etc but she had a session Wed and we managed a 3 hour picic together by Fri. So im pleased. very tired of course.
She has been so strong, and the care nurses (Her op was at Frimley & Chemo & ST Lukes Guildford) have goner above and beyond in my book, even helping with some issues she has had at work.
My only remaining concern is her mental health. SHe has struggled before and I think I’m doing everything right, getting her out when we can etc. (She even got me a pressent for her birthday as a thanks for how ive been supporting her so must be doing something right).
I’d just like to say this is a world that I was alien too a few months back, but the love, care & respect of everyone involved in NHS, other charitys etc has blown me away. When she is better I aim to raise some money to help fund some of the programs that have helped her.
Jack, I have only read all the posts on this thread for the first time today. You sound like a really kind and loving young man.
I was 39 when I had a mastectomy with reconstruction and an LD flap. I had to have chemotherapy before the operation to try to reduce the tumour as it was a large one. My husband like you has been a great support and without his love and care I woud not have coped as well.
Now 23 years on and he is still caring for me. I love him to bits even although I am now 62! I am happy about the way I look and this is because my husband helped me deal with it. He said he is just happy that I am still around. When I am dressed no one would know there was anything amiss. But everyday when you get undressed the scars are there to remind you of what you have been through. But I am alive and kicking stilll! Best wishes to you and your wife. You sound as if you are proud of her and I am sure she is really proud of you too. take care, Val
Hi Jack, only just read your post. I was diagnoised when i was 27 and now 28. Since then i have had chemotherapy, surgery and reconstruction and start radiotherapy in september. My boyfirend is 24 - the best way i can sum it up is a quote i heard the other day “I knew it would be a rollercoaster ride i just didn’t realise i would have to peddle”. My advice would be just continue to be really honest and open about your feeling with each other. I also went to a young womens forum group in London which i found really helpful and it was great to meet other young women. I live in Basingstoke if she ever wants a chat then feel free to PM me. Best of luck to you both
