I have very recently been diagnosed with breast cancer. Although the tomour is expansive, thankfully it looks as though my lymph modes are clear. I am having a CT scan on Monday and will speak to my Consultant Surgeon on Thursday about how I want to proceed with regards to my treatment. My problem is, I haven’t told my Son yet. He is 24 years old and only became a father for the first time on Monday, so you can understand why I haven’t said anything to him. I do plan to tell him in the very near future as I afraid he will find out from someone else, although only a selected few know. Can anyone tell me how they broke the news to their children?
Glam ma
I was diagnosed in September with lobular cancer but I too have clear nodes.
I just came out and said I have breast cancer but these days it’s beatable and hopefully we’ve found it early enough.My son is 34 and like you, has a new baby on the way.He also has a 2 1/2 yr old that calls me Manma.My son has been quiet sometimes but seems to hang on every word I say about it and I’ve been determined to be honest and up front about it to him and his sister who is three years his junior.Indeed I’ve told anyone who has asked me.I am going to beat this and am just looking at it as a year possibly out of my life while I do.I’ve had a rt sided mastectomy and now waiting for decisions about treatment.
You fear for the children much more than you do for yourself and so I know how it feels but whatever their age ,I think it’s important to be honest with them and then they won’t fear it so much.Good Luck
Carole
Thank you Carole. I’ll let you know how I get on. Good luck with your recovery.
Angela
Hi I’ve twins 23 so i know how hard it is to tell them and a 12 yr old but I just came home and told them the truth I think to be honest it’s the best way even my 12 yr old was a v upsetting time but I think it’s the best way mine have had more to deal with as I’ve also got secondaries as well so we have been through it a few time but they do and can deal with this news gd luck Laura
Hi GlamMa
I had to tell my daughter over the phone as she was at uni. She’d been with me for the tests so had an idea that it could be coming. She told me in the hospital during the tests that her and her brother were grown ups now not children and I had to be honest.
My son was in Afghanistan on his first tour (he’s on his 8th now). I wasn’t sure what to do wait for him to come home and find out or tell him while he was there. I got in touch with the chaplin and asked his advice. The RAF were fab and arranged for him to be in the chaplins office so he had privacy as I told him. I then followed up with an e bluey to give more details. There was only a week between finding out and surgery so again RAF made sure he got extra phone time to find out what was happening.
They are still our babies but they really are grown ups especially as your son is a Dad now himself so just be honest.
Good luck
regards Chinook
P.S. I did ask if my son could come home and was asked what stage I was at with the BC.
“I’ve just been diagnosed,” I replied.
“So you are not actually Dying?” was the question.
“No, I don’t think so,”
“Well if you are not actually dying it is unlikely they will allow him to come home!”
I found this quite funny at the time and strangly comforting. It sort of put it into prospective.
I am coming at this from a slightly different angle as a daughter-in-law of someone who had breast cancer I saw the (albeit unintentional) hurt caused by secrecy.
I would suggest being straightforward and honest and do it as soon as possible. My husband’s mum had breast cancer for 10 years and kept it from us and from her daughter and son-in-law by proclaiming “it’s not cancer” whenever she could. Although this was well-meaning as she “didn’t want to worry us” we were all left feeling hurt, cheated and patronised.
Hi glam ma,
I was diagnosed in Nov. I found it really hard to tell my children, my son is 20 and away at uni and I have a daughter of 16, ( got a 5 year old too but that’s not really relevant to this). I found it much easier to tell them wen I had all the info to hand regarding surgery etc. I didn’t feel I could cope with not being able to answer questions I didn’t have the answer to. When I did explain I was as bright and breezy and positive as possible and I think they based their reactions on this, they weren’t scared because , outwardly at least, neither was I. Tell them wen v feel ready, but don’t feel that u r letting them down by being ill. Much as we want to, we can’t protect our children from everything unpleasant in the world and to think they can’t handle it is doing them a disservice. U.ll probably find him a great support, although I guess he has his hands full at the moment ,
Hope this helps,
Herbi x
My sons were 19 and 24 when I was diagnosed. I know, its funny that you worry more for them than you do for yourself. It seems doubly hard to tell him when hes just become a father. In some senses hell have entered the world of being a grown up through becoming a dad so maybe its not such a bad time. You must tell him asap, hed want to know because he cares about you deeply and will want to support you. I coped by supplying them with every detail I knew because I thought it would reassure them that its a horrible thing, but theres plenty that can be done about it. Their support gave me courage.
I do think, though, that one`s kids still worry, and thats natural.
My sister was very open in telling her sons about my illness, no hush-hush stuff there and I was shocked at first, but kind of respected her for it.
Good luck with telling him,and in your treatment,
Mimsy
Hi Mama Glam,
I suppose it was a little bit easier to tell my children of my secondary diagnosis as they have lived with ‘breast cancer’ for 10 years before, when I was first diagnosed. There is always something in the way as to when to tell them, I knew about a monthe before my son’s 18th, so kept quiet till all the celebrations were over. My daughter (13) was a little harder as she has all those hormones rushing around…lol. After careful planning, time, place, together etc I ended up just blurting it out as i felt with the delay I couldn’t hold it it anymore…
I told them I would never lie to them about treatment and how things are progressing and keep them up to date after hospital visits. My daughter sometimes wants to talk all the time and be reassured but at others she just wants ti live her life,which is what i wish for her too.
My son, realisation has kicked i as i have been ill recently and he’s so supportive and become a most sensitive man when he knows i just want a hug :o)
Its a toughie, whichever way you decide and you always want to protect you’re kids but whatever age they want knowledge and security in knowing you are coping and their life can go on without them feeling guilty about living their lives.
Not sure if my ramblings help at all but to sum it up, its to be honest, everystep of the way and then its all gradual and stress is less to cope with and that seeing them have fun is all part of what gives me pleassure
Clare xxx
Unfortunately I can’t have my own children but I do have a stepdaughter who was 11 verging on 12 at diagnosis.
We decided to be very honest with her and not make any promises.
It’s different depending on different age groups and individuals as to how to tackle it.
We explained that I had been told I have breast cancer, that it hasn’t spread, that if I do all treatment I have an 86% chance it won’t come back so my outcome seems good but that of course there are always people who do get it back and aren’t very fortunate.
I asked her what she has heard about cancer - and she didn’t want to say which I took to mean she thought cancer equals death, so I asked if if she thought that cancer means people die from it and she said yes but didn’t want to say so because she might upset us.
So i talked to her honestly about that and explained about mets, treatment, what it does etc.
She took it all quite well, bit of upset for a few weeks whilst she had a lot of questions which we encouraged her to ask, even if she thought it might hurt our feelings we’d rather she got it off her chest rather than hold it inside.
I have two teenagers who live at home and two in their 20s who don’t. I didn’t deliberately tell them, they found out gradually what was going on, like I did. One of them asked for a lift somewhere and I said I couldn’t because I was going to the doc. “What for?” she asked. “Because I’ve found a lump, but it’s probably just a cyst, nothing to worry about.” So when I came back they asked what the doc said, then they wanted to know when my clinic appointment was, and asked what happened and what the result was, so they found out things at more or less the same time as I did.
My 22-yr-old daughter wanted to come with me to the results appointment but had booked a short holiday and was away that day. I was hoping she’d just wait until she came back, but she phoned me so I told her over the phone. Kind of spoilt her holiday a bit (understatement of the century!) but I held onto the positive things I’d been told and found out in the interim hours and passed on the positive things - caught early, small tumour,
My kids, all four of them, have been incredibly supportive, even my son who’s a bit “standoffish” generally. I encouraged them to ask any questions they wanted to ask and promised that I would answer them honestly, and that helped all of us, I think. All helped with a massive dose of rather dark humour.
Good luck to you on your treatment, and I’m sure your son will do all he can to support you.
Hi Glam-ma
I have to go along with everything that has been posted I told both my offsprings the day I found out that my mammo then scan was positive, I remember saying to the Radiologist How do I tell my kids?? she said just tell them in your own words… so I did my son was very quiet but positive for me my daughter was so supportive and said as someone else did now a days B/C is so much more treatable with good results.
I do think if you keep it back from them they will be very confused when they find out from either yourself or someone else and perhaps even a little hurt by not being put in the picture… It is so much better to have their support from day one, my daughter did say if i,d kept it quiet she would have been mortified.
So sit down with them and be as honest as you can they will admire you for facing it head on… with them!
I wish you well honey and sad you,ve had to join this very exclusive club but there are some amazing ladies on here that will always lend an ear and listen to whatever you want to write about 
Good luck and I hope all will be well for you and yours… our offsprings are our world but they are a lot more resilient than we give them credit for sometimes.
Big ((HUG)) on its way Doz xxxx
Hi Glam-ma, my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer so I feel im in a similar boat to your son, when my mum told me she sat me and my brother down and was just honest, It was very hard to hear but im so glad she told me, she told me not to worry but that she had found a lump, seen the doctor and they were confident it could be removed surgically. We are a very close family and I think it really helped her when she told us, I hope this helps you.
Hi. Fortunately I was with my mum when the doctor diagnosed her. (Not that it was the best thing in the world to hear the term tonne of bricks comes to mind) My brother is 21 and is still at university in his final year. My mum found him the most difficult person in the world to tell. She didnt want to drive up to his digs because that would seem more serious so she spoke to him on the phone. She found the C word difficult to say so I spoke to him. He was obviously upset there is no avoiding that but felt better after we both reassured him. We are quite open and honest in our family so we have found over discussing it and making silly jokes about it to be most helpful. There is no right time to tell someone that their mum has BC. But having all the answers to even the silliest questions is the most important part. Make sure you reassure him of all the positive treatments and options you have open to you. Men need facts and dates. But he will be ok. He will be glad you told him so he can support you rather than keeping it to yourself.
Hope this helps.
Gemma xxxx
Macmillan do a very good leaflet about “When your parent has cancer” aimed at older teens and also a thing for younger children. There’s also a website aimed at their special needs as it’s worrying for them. Younger ones think mainly in terms of how will this affect me, will i have to move schools or go to live with Granny, it’s the older ones who take it harder because they can see your side more. However they can also be wonderfully supportive.
“The good news is I have updated my will and my life cover is still valid, the bad news is you will have to do all the hoovering youself one day so you better learn now!”
Hi,
I’m 19 and female mother has breast cancer (47). I don’t really match the outline you gave of your child but here goes…
My mum was diagnosed 1 week before xmas and didn’t tell me and my brother (21) for 1 and a half weeks. Her reasoning was that she needed time to get used to the idea before she told us.
I would suggest to tell him sooner rather then later as when my mum told me I felt really bad and guilty for not being there for that time.
As a grandparent you are going to want to spend as much time with the baby as possible. However if you don’t tell your son and are unable to look after the little one due to the treatment then hes going to know something is wrong.
Hope this helps x