Omg I feel like such a moaning Minnie but I feel so rubbish mentally at the moment. I just wondered how everyone stays cheerful, I don’t feel like I can face another day.
I’ve got liver mets and my first treatment hasn’t worked. I was so positive when i started treatment but I feel like all hope has been taken away. I’m not on any treatment at the minute as I’m waiting for biopsy results, which I will have been waiting 6 weeks for by the time I get them, for a new treatment plan.
I just feel so unbelievably low. I keep telling myself off for feeling this way and telling myself I’m not dead yet but honestly I feel robbed of all happiness.
I am waiting to see someone in psychological services in oncology but there’s a waiting list.
I just wondered how everyone else coped. I hate feeling this way but I can’t help it no matter how much I tell.myself off and try to force myself to do something more positive.
Sorry to be such a misery. I feel miserable
Julie
Hi Jules
In answer to your question, I don’t stay cheerful or upbeat and the word ‘positive’ sends me into a tailspin of irritation; as if there’s any evidence that ‘staying positive’ works against Stage 4 cancer!! It might help people cope better at times, it might help some put on a false front for the sake of their loved ones, they might believe they are staying positive- and that’s great for them. It’s true that many women are really making the most of whatever time remains and I am happy for them (and a bit envious). But it’s a myth that ‘positivity’ is the only answer and it does a lot of harm to people like you and me who can’t or don’t wish to achieve that false standard.
There are so many comments in your post that suggest that you are being so very hard on yourself. My brother used to call me Moaning Minnie to rile me when I was a kid. It’s an insult. Telling yourself off for the way you feel (which is btw completely justified) is denying yourself the right to your emotions. I was brought up not to cry. Last week, a GP spent 35 minutes listening to me, really thinking about what I was saying, coming up with practical solutions - and I found myself welling up with tears as I drove home. Because this disease can be very isolating and you can feel very much on your own. I’d not experienced such compassion, except from my oncologist who has to be treatment-focused.
I spent a lifetime living my life with multiple phobias and panic disorder. When I was given my Stage 4 diagnosis, it was nothing compared to what I have felt in the past. I knew I could spiral into perpetual panic so I made a conscious decision to just accept things and go with the flow. It’s worked. I accept that I have Stage 4 triple negative breast cancer and I accept that the prognosis (which I have never asked about) is short. I accept that my life is in the hands of experts whose knowledge is way better than a few Google results and I accept that some day I’ll have to decide to let go earlier than I would have wished. That acceptance means that I don’t have to worry about it every moment of every day, I don’t have to get scanxiety and I can see that I’m actually doing rather well, way past that statistical prognosis you can’t miss on Google! That interminable wait for biopsy results will be worth it. It’s probably, like mine was, being sent all over the country to see if you qualify for any trials, any particular new treatments. They would never put you at risk by just delaying treatment - they must feel sure this way forward is in your best interests. You don’t want to find yourself excluded from some breakthrough treatment because they too hastily pit you on a random treatment. Trust them?
Meantime, I really would advise you to do two things. Go to YouTube and type in Progressive Hypnosis Anxiety. There’s a video called Calm Anxiety. Listen to it daily. It really does help. The other thing is to ring the nurses’ helpline (number above). They are great listeners and are very well informed. Try it - it’ll be like my compassionate GP, believe me. And try to stop those harsh judgments of yourself - you don’t deserve them. I hope there’s not much more delay and you get to speak to the psychologist soon. From one pragmatist to a worrier, you can adjust the way you feel - tiny steps, starting maybe with not telling yourself off next time you feel robbed of all happiness. Buy yourself some flowers!
Wishing you all the best
Jan xx
Hi Julie,
I am sorry you are feeling low. I just joined the club on Aug 3rd eve when I was told on MRT that I have mets.
After 11.5 years . I am 50 with young two teens.
I am a bit like Russian doll, up and down. When I am down I keep busy, I clean or go outside. When I am up , I cook, meet friends, drink a glass of wine and watch tv. I also work, run house, etc. I have not told anyone, not my thing really, only doctors, hubby and my mom. For me it is better that way.
It hits hard sometimes, I am sad I might not to see my kids as young grown up people or spend some nice time with my hubby as we retire… I do not want my mom to bury me, it is just wrong… But, today, I am here, sun is shining, sky is blue, I am not in pain. And it is good enough for me. For now.
Maybe I will crush big time at some point I keep telling myself that happiness is a choice. I also think that there are people in much worse situation than me and I am just grateful. I am trying to keep it simple.
Do not know if it helps you. hugs xxx