my partner seems to be pulling away from me and not responding to my wanting to give her affection and love,how should i be when i am with her ?
Chris it is hard when you have a partner with breast cancer to be sensitive to her needs. A lot of things can be at play here including the way the hormone drugs can affect us quite badly when it comes to the ‘bedroom department’. If she is taking something like tamoxifen it often robs us of our libido and it may be that that she sees your approaches as leading to sex so I would say go gently and talk about it if you can. I know that a gentle hug can mean so much if it is clear you are not after more. If your relationship is good she isn’t loving you any the less but the cancer & drugs will affect her needs.
I am sure there will be a lot more replies for you and there are some very good threads on here about these things. Try doing a search on sex and it shoudl bring some of them up. They are a true insight into what a lot of the women here go through.
Dawn
xx
p.s. BCC have some very good literature and I am sure one of their moderators will be along soon and give you the link to them.
D.
Hi again Chris,
As well as the ‘In it together’ publication which I have referred you to on the other thread, here’s some more which I think Dawn is referring to. I hope they help.
Sexuality, intimacy & BC
www2.breastcancercare.org.uk/publications/treatment-side-effects/sexuality-intimacy-breast-cancer-bcc110
Support for younger women:
www2.breastcancercare.org.uk/publications/about-breast-cancer-care/support-younger-women-breast-cancer-sm24
Your operation & recovery:
www2.breastcancercare.org.uk/publications/treatment-side-effects/your-operation-recovery-bcc151
Best wishes,
Jo, Facilitator
I’m sure there is no definite answer, but if it helps…
Sometimes I want to talk, and sometimes I don’t. I need my OH to be sensitive to both.
Treat me with kid gloves (expect tears at any odd time), but be normal too.
Hugs when I need them, and no pressure to go further, but sometimes I want to go further…he needs to mind read.
Reassurance that he still finds me attractive despite the scars.
Help with dressing and undressing without being asked, but no fussing!
In other words I need a telepathic angel, as I suspect do most of us here!
Make sure you have support and someone you can talk to as well. It is as hard for the carer sometimes as it is for those of us going through it.
Hi Chris, I am experiencing a similar situation and finding it very difficult. Is your partner on Tamoxifen? I believe it is biggest course of our relationship problems though until my wife stops taking it I can’t be sure. She has another 3 years.
Hi Chris
My OH was diagnosed Jan 2011 and went through surgery, chemo and then rads. It is extremely difficult as the partner as you just do not know what to do for the best. You hate to see your OH suffering and you can feel them getting more remote from you but you dont know what to do to make it better.
My honest advice is that you cant make it better and they have some many emotions come to the surface they dont know where they are or what they want and what they want changes by the minute. All I would say is do not take anything personally and make sure you get some support yourself even if it is through this forum. There are some lovely ladies on here and they will help you without you having to upset your OH. Dont try and do it all yourself as I guarantee you will not get it right.
I tried to do it all myself and my OH gradually got more and more distant and I was petrified about losing her and also not knowing what to do. It eventually got to the point where our relationship just collapsed. We still speak to each other but things are very strained and if im honest I dont know if we will ever be back as a couple again but I live in hope.
I only found this forum when things were starting to collapse but by then most of the damage was already done. I also found some good books but again this was after the problems had started, one was called “Say Blah to Cancer” and the other was called “Breast Cancer Husband”. Both available in bookshops or online. They will give you loads of information and true life examples. As the old saying goes “if only I knew back then what I know now”.
Learn from my mistakes, get yourself the books, keep coming on here and asking as many questions as you want even if you think they are stupid and most of all show your OH empathy in however she is feeling.
Feel free to PM if I can help anymore.
Paul
How caring you all are to post on here to try and find out how to help your OHs. My OH patted me on the knee and said ‘at least you know what you are dealing with now’ and hasnt mentioned it since.
Yes the lump is small and I may not need any further treatment, but its still cancer and all I would have liked is a few hugs, it would have made all the difference.
Jayne
Don’t forget the helpline, which is for partners and family as well as the person with BC. They are just lovely, and should be open now too.
Give them a ring and off-load, and they may also be able to put you in contact with other partners so you can have some off-line support from someone in a similar position to you.
I don’t think anyone can answer the “how should I be with her” question. My partner hasn’t changed, and that’s just what I needed. I fell to bits with other people, and he was just there, like a rock. He’s always been very quiet and matter-of-fact, so the idea of talking about stuff with him would be really, really awkward for both of us, so we’ve never had the middle-of-the-night frightened conversations that I know others have had. And that’s fine, for us.
If you have the sort of relationship where you CAN talk frankly, then do ask her what she wants. She may well say she doesn’t know,
but that at least will give you the chance to let her know that you are there for her.
Good luck to both of you.
CM
x
These posts are so good to read. Everyone deals with it differently. My husband had a ‘moment’ as he calls it after my first cycle of chemotherapy when I really was unwell. His moment consisted of a few tears, a hug and then it was never mentioned again. I’ve just had my 4th cycle of chemotherapy and now he deals with it with humour. This is fine for the most part but being told to stop playing the cancer card and it’s all about you, wears a bit thin sometimes when all I want is a hug and to be told he’s with me all the way. Don’t get me wrong, he’s very supportive in lots of practical ways but sometimes we just want quiet understanding and hugs with no pressure for extras and most of all to not feel guilty for putting the family through all this awfulness.
I hope your OH gets on okay and that you find all the support you need to support her. Xx
Best wishes
Sharon x
Minij
I can sort of relate to your OH’s reaction. He is scared and going through a bit of a denial phase and probably thinking “what do I do to put this right”.
Ask him to come onto this forum and speak to OH’s that have been in his position. We have all had different experiences and different outcomes and by talking to people that are not emotionally involved in his situation it will probably deal with some of his fears and questions and also take some of the pressure off your relationship, which neither of you need.
If he would feel confortable I am more than happy to give you my contact details if he wants to get in touch. BC is such a biggie I dont think any one person can deal with it alone sucessfully.
All the best
Paul
Sorry, double-post
Minij, my OH is absolutely dreadful at physical expressions like hugs and kisses, so if I need one, I ask for one. He usually obliges, even if an eyebrow gets lifted as well (but with a smile, he’s not a complete rat!)
Sometimes we expect our partners to be complete mind-readers, and to be able to interpret our behaviour and give a suitable response in a situation that neither you nor they have been in. Poor so-and-so’s, that’s a big ask. So even if it would be nice if they’d just GIVE you the hugs and comfort when you need it, sometimes you will just have to ask. Don’t feel that asking diminishes the affection in the resulting hug, and certainly don’t feel bad about asking - if you need it, ask for it. And if they say no, then explain why you could do with that hug. Perhaps a good way to start a conversation? Only you know what your relationship’s like.
And for the blokes, sometimes asking “would you like a hug?” is a nice thing to do, or even say “I could do with a hug” yourself.