How to deal with their emotions

I had two weeks to get used the idea of having breast cancer, but when I told friends and family of the decision I had made to have a bilateral mastectomy with recon they all said I was doing the wrong thing.

They all got upset and tears flowed (not my kids but the adults) and I spent hours on the phone trying to reassurer people that I will be ok. I am still doing this now and feel like I am having to hold everyone else up whilst inside I fall apart. Why do people make it hard for me to share my emotions and expect me to deal with theirs. My concern is my kids and the effect on them and I end spending the whole day concentrating on the adults.

How sad. Any suggestions on how to ask them to consider my feelings at this time. K xx

Sorry to hear that you have been dx with BC and so sorry to hear that you have got this sort of reaction. It’s a hard time at the start when you need to come to terms with what is happening and what you have to go through without having to prop up other ppl’s emotions at the same time. Sounds harsh but perhaps you are just going to have to tell the adults that they need to deal with their own emotions themselves as you have enuff to do coping yourself and supporting your children… I hope you are getting some support yourself. I can assure you that you will get loads of support and encouragement on here.

Hi Karen

You might find it helpful to have a look at our booklet ‘in it together’ , it is designed for the partners of people who have been diagnosed with breast cancer but it may help with the issues you are having with some of your family The booklet can found at the following link:-

I hope you find this helpful.

Kind regards

BCC Facilitator

Hi Karen,

I have been amazed at how positive people have been with me to the extent that I’m sometimes not sure they’ve heard me correctly. It feels like I’ve said ‘I’m having my hair coloured next week’ and they go on to say ‘oh, td, I’m sure you know what’s best. And did I mention that i had a cancer scare once?’ makes me want to explode! My kids were qute pragmatic about it. My teenage son (15) was quite nice to me for a few days but has reverted to type now and my teenage daughter (13) is helpful caring and interested. haven’t told the little one yet (3) - she only needs to know I’ll be sore and incapeable for a while. Kids take things in their stride as long as you are straight with them.

So my adults haven’t fallen apart. It must be so hard to cope with feeling responsible for them too. What exactly do they think you are doing wrong? Having a Mx? Remember that they ARE adults and that the kids need you to reassure them more- if the kids see adults getting upset their imaginations could run riot and they won’t know how to process information. Hopefully it’s only the shock and the adults will settle too…

Very good luck. My mastectomy is sometime soon - date not set yet as no dates available!! Oh joy…

Big love Td x

My sister seemed to go into denial after I was diagnosed and as she is abroad it has been a bit “out of sight, out of mind”. When she has been over she has chosen to go off to friends barely spending any time with me. Last time she was here we had to go to a wedding. My hair was very short and is now silver and she asked was I planning on going out with my hair like that as it would be better to wear my wig! She met up with a relative recently who was en route to another country and passing her way. Now, this relative heads a cancer centre and he told my sis that as I’m coming to the end of everything I might start feeling cut adrift, if so to get in contact. My sis said “oh, she’ll be fine she has plenty of diversions and is retraining”. She told me this in an email and I just thought “how would you know, you didn’t see me suffer and you don’t know what’s inside”. She was here when I was diagnosed 18 months ago and got on the plane home the following morning. Maybe it’s just me, but I could not have done that - had it been her I would have been there. I’ve decided not to bother now, getting on with my own thing.

Thanks for the comments guy’s,

I am still struggling with my middle daughter, I just think all that we have been through this last year with my husband (their dad) leaving not being able to afford to take them or buy them anything and having to always explain myself to them, Then being diagnosed with IDC I’m just worn out with it all.

Understandably she is a teenage hormonal girl with issues regarding her dad,sister and the impending baby(who is a week late) it must be that she is just finding things too much. But I have no energy to deal with anyone else right now. I have so much running around to do regarding my divorce and making a will and sorting out life insurances I’m just knackered. So I just lost my temper last night because she was being a total brat, but then she had been up her dad’s the night before and spoilt her again. Joys of divorce I suppose.

So operation next friday and scared as hell as I have no one to be with me, my friend is dropping me at the front door of a hospital 20 miles from my home and off I will go. Not even my ex2b has asked or offered to help out even though he only lives 1/2 a mile away but then he hasn’t even told his girlfriend yet so won’t expect much. So just get on with it again, it’s bloody hard this life thing.