Dear All, I have recently been diagnosed with breast cancer, yesterday had a mastectomy, other treatment will follow.
I am very concerned about the toll it all will have on my family, and in particular on our 7-year-old daughter. She is aware of my illness. I cannot promise her I will definitely be cured - though the odds are I will (that is how I present it to her, assuring her I will do everything I can to make it happen).
How do you deal with such situations? What do you say to your little children?
I know the topic is very delicate, but maybe, just maybe you have some wisdom to share⊠I am really sad at the thought I am ruining the childhood of my daughter⊠But I am myself in a rather dark place right now and sometimes I get emotional in front of her, and cannot lie to her and make promises I may not be able to keep.
Hugs and kisses!
I wasnât a Mum at the time, but had lots of little ones around me very regularly. They were there often enough to see the weary days and the good days. They often asked questions, quite blunt sometimes, and I was always honest with them. I found once they had a pragmatic answer, they moved on. Now they are all grown up and remember that time well. They particularly reflect how is gave them a positive view of cancer treatment and how it can be managed. Your daughter is of an age where she can understand illnesses, but not necessarily the bigger implications. Just be honest with her and I am sure she will be surrounded by family, friends and school support. She will probably cope better than you think. Best wishes.
Hi @heloise 
Iâm sorry youâre in this position having to explain this to your 7 year old. Itâs not easy and so much for anyone of any age to take on.
I had a 3 year old and a 6 week old when I was diagnosed 2 years ago. My eldest is now 5 and does sometimes ask questions about scars from my surgery for example, or why I had no hair when we look back through pictures, so we do still get questions.
The first thing we did at the time was let his preschool know, so they were aware and looked out for any concerns. The head called me and talked me through what they could offer in terms of help at school. Their advice to me was to just let him know factually what was happening. His key worker said to treat it like a chronic illness, something that will make you a little unwell but youâll get better soon.
There are loads of resources available for kids in these situations, and I know you have a lot going on but itâs worth looking into when you feel ready.
I had a MacMillan âcancer coordinatorâ at my hospital, you may have a breast cancer now nurse or a MacMillan nurse you can speak to? One of my main concerns was talking to my eldest and they gave me a lot of support. Mine gifted me cancer flash cards from The Little C Club, they have talking points on them for younger kids and older kids. We found them helpful to show my eldest why I was always at hospital.
I was also given various cuddly âworryâ toys, my favourite being a super dino from Scamp and Dude, my eldest still cuddles it a lot!
My cancer coordinator also made a referral on my behalf to the Osborne Trust, who sent me a couple of kids books about why mummy is in hospital. They did make me really emotional but it was a great resource for us. They also sent me a soft play voucher.
My other recommendation is The Willow Trust, again you need a referral but they gift family days out.
Another charity is Something To Look Forward To, they also have days out that you can apply for - this is self referral.
Sorry a really long message and a lot to take on but there is a lot of support out there! It helps you feel a little less alone.
Wishing you all the best, and I hope you are recovering well!
I am so sorry. Breast cancer is something no one should ever have to experience much less a mother of a young child. First of all, I would recommend taking frequent breaks instead of breaking down emotionally in front of her. It canât be helped all the time of course but I would try to avoid it all possible costs because it will affect her. As far as lying to her of course you shouldnât do that but you should also word things so that she has no fear that youâre not going to make it. For me, it was saying things like âmy doctors strongly believe that after all my treatments I am going to be just fineâ. And then be positive while you say it as if you believe it, too. And then make sure she feels safe enough to ask you questions, to explore the concept of cancer with you. To make her feel safe, again try not to be overly emotional, answer questions in simple ways that arenât hard to comprehend. And be positive. If you think she needs more help than what your family can provide then donât hesitate to contact a professional. Thatâs what they are there for. Hugs sent your way for both you and your little oneâŠ
How very helpful is your advice! Thank you so much. I have just informed the school and actually it appears we could get some help from them. And I will follow the lines of your suggestions as to how to phrase my message to ensure it is positive enough while still being honest. As for organisations, sadly, I cannot be referred precisely to them since I am Polish (resident in Poland; I use this forum as I find it informative and uplifting). But I intend to join a support group in here, just to vent my darkness there instead at home⊠Thank you again!
Hi, I just came across your post and wanted to respond as I have a 7 year old. I was diagnosed last May when my son was 6. Now I have completed all my treatments (except Tamoxifen) and my son has coped extremely well with everything.
Initially I just told him I had a bad lump which needed to be removed and that I would be sore and not able to drive or lift him for a while. I didnât use the word cancer at first. It turned out I needed chemo, however, so then I used the Mummyâs Lump book given to me by my breast care nurse. It explains things well and does use the words cancer, chemotherapy and radiotherapy. I think the fact that my son knew nothing about cancer was a good thing. He had no preconceived ideas or experiences of anyone dying from cancer, so there was no fear. It would never have occurred to him that I wouldnât be ok. I did inform the school and they offered support but it turned out we didnât really need anything as he just got on with his life and didnât seem bothered by it all. He understood Iâd feel sick and tired with the chemo each time and he was aware things werenât ânormalâ as we had frequent visits from nurses, as well as friends bringing food etc but I can honestly say itâs actually been a good year for him as Iâve been off work and able to spend more time with him than usual. I tired to be quite matter-of-fact with him and gave him regular reminders when I was getting treatment and would be tired etc.
I wish you all the best for your conversations with your daughter, and with your treatment. If you havenât seen the Mummyâs Lump book you can access it here https://breastcancernow.org/media-assets/1khf05fy/mummys-lump_2015_web.pdf
Thatâs great the school can help! Sorry for the assumption youâre based in the UK, but hopefully there are organisations near you that can help? Your doctors/nurses might know and itâs always worth asking 
some great suggestions from others on here too, please keep using the forum as and when you need to, we need to stick together 