some of you may have seen that i have a friend who has secondary breast cancer and i posted saying she was given the all clear at xmas. Lots of you replied saying there is no such thing. I had lunch with her at the weekend and broached the subject when she was asking about me. she did admit the same that there is no all clear but she said that you cant consider that and that she intends to have family and despite having some lesions and a cancerous node doesnt intend to push the matter further.
I am not sure how to handle it. I feel as tho i have dealt with my prognosis and accepted the shortened life span etc… and that my treatment may or may not work but when we chat i feel that she doesnt even entertain those thoughts. we are so different and i know neither of us are right, its unique to us all but i feel that if both of us were told tomorrow we were untreatable that she would go to pieces. She said she doesnt know what grade the cancer as and doesnt want to and also says that altho its classed as secondary in her mind its primary as the first time she was DCIS. I find it bit hard with the two approaches as i have to be careful how i joke with her etc… i never bother with my wig yet she says in a year and half her hubby has never seen her without hers and never will. I know its personal choice but i walk about with nothing on my head all the time. She says she gets up early to get her wig on and wears hers scarfs in bed etc… she was horrified to hear i never wear mine. I only wore it at the weekend for her benefit lol. She also says she takes no photos now as this is not a part of her life she wants to reflect on yet i feel it is part of my life albeit shit and i dont mind.
How do i play it?? We get on great so its not really a prob but i worry i might say something to offend?
Is it normal in both our cases how we do things? I honestly think i have no pride at times.
As you say, signet, it is a very personal, individual thing, the way we cope with any stress. Whatever gets any of us through is right for us. She has her own way of handling it, as do you. I am sure you will allow her to deal with it her way when you are with her and that you will not say anything to offend your friend. You are obviously a sensitive, empathetic lady, even to have raised this question.
Hi Signet, I agree with Ann, it’s such an individual thing, and you are clearly dealing with the situation sensitively. I think you are being a very good friend.
by the way, I think you have a lot of pride - you are more than just your hairstyle!
monica x
signet - It is probably not for you to make her see things differently. Perhaps it would be better coming from her family, if necessary, but they probably know how best to treat the situation, as they would have to deal with the fallout if she fell to pieces. If it was my friend, I think I would just try to be supportive and not rock the boat. I understand how you feel but some people can only survive that way. Good luck!
Hi there, everyone deals with BC differently. I want to know EVERYTHING. I want my Oncologist and surgeon to be honest with me. But not everyone deals with BC this way. This may be the ONLY way your friend can cope with the awfulness of it all. Personaly I think she is burying her head in the sand. But if that is how she want to do it you cannot change that. Just be around for her incase she does want to open up at a later date.
I never wore my wig around the house either. I didn’t like the feeling of it on my head and much preferred soft indian scarfs that I tied round my head and twisted and sometimes would even plonk a straw hat on top ( it was warm weather then). As Ann says you are obviously a caring person Signet. So you may have to rely on us to off-load unstead of upsetting your friend. Looking forward to meeting you. love val
ta girls xxx i would never ever upset anyone and i am very careful how i handle folks emotions but have to admit it worries me and in honesty i think she is in complete denial. however, thats her and like you Val i need to know everything NOW and i think i have shocked the consultants but thats me. Its sometimes hard to understand why others arent the same but then thats what makes the world go round i suppose!!!
She is the loveliest girl i have ever met and i really love her as a mate but i feel there is a kind of chasm between us in our way of thinking but then thats never stopped me before having friends with diff outlooks.xxx this is just a whole new ball game
I am like you and need to know everything. The surgeon thought it unusual that I wanted a copy of the pathology report, but as she said, “It’s your body.”
Your friend may well be burying her head in the sand but, presumably, she is coping and no-one should take that away from her. It’s a bit like having a faith - each to their own. I just hope she is able to carry on with her faith and that nothing destroys it in the future.
It sounds like you’re doing really well, in trying to understand and accept what is hapening in your lives. Your friend, on the other hand, is in denial. That’s her privilege. But…when further progression with her disease sets in-as it will-how will she cope? The fears and disappointment will be so much greater, because she has refused to believe that she has a secondary diagnosis! Her claim that she only has “some lesions and a cancerous node” in fact place her very far from being all clear-and I’m simply stunned to see this degree of denial. I’m also very concerned at her plan to have a family. Having children brings with it huge responsibilities-and planning on starting a family when she is extreemely unlikely to be alive to see them through more than a few years is irresponsible to say the least. But from what you have said of your friend, it’s not surprising. Some kind of acceptance as to the gravity of her situation would be good-but I don’t think you’ll be able to do much more than you have already. If it helps her cope with daily living-then so be it. But she’s simply delaying the inevitable-one day she will have to confront her illness and all it entails.
Incidentally, I’m very like you-no wigs, nor prosthesis for me-“what you see is what you get”, so to speak. It really does make life easier, than tying oneself in knots over appearance.
Good luck-maybe you’ll have to move the friendship on to a slighty different footing, and talk as little as possible about your respective illnesses.The only other thing I could suggest for your friend is counselling-but I suspect she may not be receptive to this. As I said-good luck with everything-your friend will know that you’re there if she needs you. But for the meantime, I think you may have to let her live in blissful ignorance-and be prepared for the inevitable anger/fear that will ensue in the future when she has further problems. I wonder if anyone else can help with comments as to the planned pregnancy-perhaps my opinion on this is extreme-it just sounds as if it’s yet one other thing she hasn’t even begun to think about.
I had a friend, like me she had terminal cancer, who up until the very day, in fact only a few hours before she died, believed she could still be cured. Even though she had lost her sister to breast cancer a couple of years before her own death. My friend lived well, she travelled and lived her life to the full and I never once questioned her on her way of dealing with her prognosis.
I’ve been living with stage 4 bc since 2003. I’m fully aware I will die, someday, of this disease but when I lose my hair (not done so yet, thanks to years of hormonals and now Xeloda) no-one will be seeing me without a wig or scarf. We must all deal with this in our own unique way. You take care signet…x
I am also a stage V from the start girl and sometimes I think I still don’t believe that this disease is going to kill me though hard facts tell me otherwise. Perhaps your friend is going through one of the stages of grief: Denial: “It can’t be happening”, Anger: “Why me? It’s not fair”, Bargaining: “Just let me live to see my children graduate”, Depression: “I’m so sad, why bother with anything?”, Acceptance: “It’s going to be OK.” There is no right or wrong order to feel all or any of these emotions but they are all normal responses to our situation. I am sure in time your friend may have different feelings to those she feels now, but right now she needs support in whatever coping strategy is working for her, and it is lucky that she has such a good friend in you to help - difficult as that may be for you.
I am another who wore a wig or scarf for almost two years, rather than face my friends and family with a bald head. It is not a look for me, either physically or mentally.
hey all!
it is amazing how we deal things - I kept a diary from day one and have been amazed at how my diary has differed from outward appearence to the world. My diary catalogues all of those stages of grief (kubler-ross) and how I bargained, how I disppared and felt repulsive, to oh well I can’t change how I look (its was the loss of eyebrows an dlashes that really got me coupled with the bloating)To the outside world i was just me - rachel - happy easy going and a laff.
I have a beautiful wig - it has been on everyones head but mine!I have lovely scarves and have worn them but only so as not to embarass others - now with steel grey bumflff I can’t be bothered with scarves anymore. I have a falsie but tisd heavy and my bra rubs so that is worn at certain times. I go swimming with out one as well.
Its not a lack of pride as I make sure face is on, eyebrows penciled in, gorgeous knickers, and perfum liberally sprayed.
I also wanted to know everything right down to how they do the mastectomy, I have copies of all of my reports, and have a very open relationship with my surgeon and ONC - they know I want to know everything and little more besides (lol) but i do know girls who aren’t interested in what happening they keep their heads down until the finish line as it were.
signet - you are so very kind and empathic to your friend and that is fantastic. I have found some friends can’t handle my BC and others who were just aquaintances have really stepped up to the mark and been counted as strong wonderful women.
Thanks for letting me air on here - much love xxxxrachel
No one but my closest family and my close friend knew about my breastcancer. People knew me by my very thick waist length hair. When I lost it during chemo I plonked a similar wig on and no one suspected anything, and when it started to go a bit thin from wear and tear I wore a ‘beanie’ on top. Even though it was high summer no one batted an eyelid - infact I was chatted up by a ‘rasta’ who thought I was ‘cool’! I only told my best friend when she started pulling my hair in the pub. She burst out crying when I had to take her into the toilet and tell her it was a wig. I managed to work throughout. I even bought a house with my lazy, no good, alcholic partner and did most of the renovating myself while he sat in the pub. Mind you when up to my eyes in cement and rubble I sometimes asked myself what if I didn’t make it and he was left with the whole lot!!! My prognosis wasn’t good and my only way of getting through was ‘head down and get on with it’ and I did have dark days when I’d have to switch on automatic pilot but it worked for me. I knew that the majority of people with the same prognosis wouldn’t be alive in 5yrs but I also knew that I had the same chance as any of them of getting there.
I wasn’t in denial - I came from a very nosey, nasty little town and couldn’t bear the thought of them discussing my bc over a cup of coffee or a pint in the pub! We’ve all got our ways of getting through and I wouldn’t knock anyones. I’m sure that deep down your friend knows exactly were she stands. She just doesn’t want to be reminded of it. Weither she’s got 2,5, or 10+ yrs ahead of her she’ll do it her way - and if that’s enjoying life with her head in the sand…well if that’s what rows her boat good for her!
Josie x
Hi everyone, isn’t the whole point of all of this treatment to give us the chance to live as normal a life as possible for as long as possible? I keep quiet about my illness to all but the closest friends because I want to be treated as an individual person and not a cancer victim. I am open with close friends and family because I can trust them not to treat me as a victim but the person I am and will be until the end. And faced with terminal illness all those ‘sympathetic’ comments made with the best of intentions just put one into the ‘victim’ category.
love to you all Ariadne xx
Thanks everyone. Its amazing to hear how we are all so diffent. x
I hope i didnt offend anyone. I just want to be sure i dont offend my friend. Its just so obvious we are opposite ends of the scale in how we deal with it. And maybe I am harsh in saying she is in denial. I dont mean it badly its just that she has ‘covered the truth’ with respects many aspects of treatment. I have asked her straight what side effects come with certin things and she has always said its a breeze and not a prob. Yet as my probs have surfaced eventually she has admitted to having hard times too. Thats where we differ. If anyone asked me i would just say that it can be hard and the side effects can be brutal but you will get by. She told me nothing adverse would happen and not to arrange child care etc as it wouldnt be that bad. So i suppose its made me think more about what to believe. She is not a liar, but she is covering the truth prob to, in her mind, protect me but in fact its not. Its soooooo hard.
Oh and icing on the cake tonight is that i have been made redundant!!! LOL!!!
Oh, signet! You are having a rough time. Did you know it was likely, because the company are doing badly? I was made redundant Christmas 2004 and know what a shock it is. I just hope you get a good payout.
Your comments about not telling the whole truth are a bit like when having a baby. No-one tells you how difficult the birth can be (although it wasn’t particularly in my case), or that after the baby is born, you may be exhausted from disturbed nights, etc. Everyone makes out it is a bed of roses, when for many it isn’t.
Yeah everyone is different! I asked no one to mention cancer to me unless i brought it up and i did not take photos until my treatment had finished mainly to track my lovely hair growth!
Denial featured heavily and still does. Whenever i get the heebie jeebies i try to suppress it and forget it happened and if that doesnt work i have a cry but find once i start i cant stop!
How ive survived it i dont know but i am pretty sure m,y lovely babies ( 1 and 2yrs) have got me through it.
I also find avoiding certain people who say “all done now, all
back to normal etc etc” as i cant trust myself not to chin them.
Signet your friend is in denial and thats how she copes. Thats i how i did it but believe me it caught up with me after treatment ended and i felt such a grief it floored me.
Support her loads but dont do it her way if thats not your thing!I hated my wig- evil little bugger! I couldnt give a rats ass how people thought i looked with a bald head but husband found it quite attractove and pestered me loads! WEirdo…
anyway, good luck with your journey, right or wrong just do it your way.
Evie your a comic xxxxx hey its not put Gordon off me either so i think males are programmed to be sex pests regardless lol
thanks for explalining that cos it makes sense to me. I think it will catch up with her and i will be there if she needs me or chooses to talk to me. I would never force the issue xxxx
Regarding the job I work for the local council which was always classed safe!!! But unfortunately for me i have suffered from theh latest restructure. Still think its been easy for them cos I am not there to fight my corner!!!