Husband had affair during my treatmet

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1

Hi All

I am posting this thread to see if anyone else has been through a similar situation, and any advice on how to deal with it. I was dx sept 08 aged 39, had mx with recon then chemo, rads and now on tamoxifen. I have been married for 11 years and have had a few ups and downs along the way as most marriages do. When I was dx my husband was so good looking after me and the kids, doing school run, cooking shopping etc. He was really supportive and determinded we would get through this as he had also just lost his dad to lung cancer.I thought well if one good thing happens from this it has brought us closer together.
We hadnt embarked on any type of sex life as I had terrible side effects from chemo, had 3 blood transfusions and was in hospital for a week neutrophenic. Also since sugery I have not been confident about my ‘jigsaw puzzle body’ (had diep tram flap recon)losing my hair and the hormonal effects never mind the mental torture as well!
I had noticed changes in his behaviour, but thought it was through the stress of my illness and the fact that he got made redundant.
Two weeks after I finished rads he told me he didnt love me anymore and was leaving. He swore there was no one else involved but of course there was. When I found out I was totally devastated and couldnt believe that all those months I had been ill and really needed him, he wasnt there for me, but with another woman. I felt that I couldnt cope and didnt kow how I was going to survive on my own with the kids.
He has since said that it was all a mistake and it was his way of dealing with my cancer by trying to run away. He says that he is committed to me and we have been going to Relate. It is easy for my friends and family to say kick him out, but I am thinking of my 2 young kids (5 and 9) and how this last year has affected them so much, they could have lost their mother, so how can I now send their father away?
I am just going through the motions now, but am not sure what the outcome will be as I dont know if I can live with what he has done.
Sorry for rambling but I am so down, hurt and confused.

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Annie, what an awful time for you, men are very strange, they all deal with things differently. Im glad you are back together and hope everything works out well for you both, as if you havent had enough to deal with.

take care

Carol xx

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I would say don’t listen to your family & friends, but to yourself. What do you want out of this? Do you really want to be a single parent, and your children to be from a broken home? That is the reality of kicking him out. Don’t do anything in a hurry, but take your time to think about whether you feel the marriage can be saved or not.

Trust is a difficult thing to regain when lost. In fact I don’t think it ever comes back completely, but that doesn’t mean you can’t eventually reach a good state of living with what has happened. I think a lot depends on whether you believe your husband when he says it was a mistake. Let’s face it, cancer dx and treatment puts a huge strain on a family, and people can act completely out of character in those circumstances. I understand that you must be feeling utterly betrayed and devasted by his actions, and that for him to have had an affair when you are going through treatment that involves such a loss of sexual identity means he could be called a complete b*st*rd.

I think what I’m trying to say is don’t rush into anything. Take your time to decide what you really want, and which compromise you would rather live with (ie single parent or flawed marriage).

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Hi AnnieH

I think you are being so sensible going to Relate. Talking things through with the guidance of a counsellor will help you make a decision whether you want to remain together or not.

Please take care of yourself and I wish you all the best.

Anne xx

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Hi Annie

I don’t think it’s that uncommon - I have met a number of women whose men have done this and I almost wonder if it is a way of affirming they can get a physically healthy woman! The point is you have been through a lot and this is really not helpful to your recovery, whether you stay together or not. Goig to Relate is good as it gives you both a chance to work through the issue. Sounds as if he confessed which can not have been easy in the circumstances but is a reasonable way of starting to rebuild trust. You need to think about yourself as well as the kids - other women do bring up kids alone and do a good job and I think it would be very sad to stay with him if it makes you unhappy.

Much love

Jane x

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Hi All

Thanks for all your comments and advice, I am just so hurt and angry that I cant make any decisions right now. I am giving relate a go, but just cant stop thinking about him with her, and about all the lies. I dont want to be a struggling single mother, and how would I ever meet anyone else - divorced single mother with 2 kids, on the wrong side of 40, with a chopped up body and the dark cloud of cancer hanging over me? If I didnt have the kids there wouldnt be a choice, but I feel that I have to sacrifice my happiness for them.
The other issue is our non-existent sex life, which was going to be hard to get back into anyway, and now this has really knocked any self-esteem I was slowly regaining. This has made me feel even less of a woman and I just cant get it out of my mind. I am a strong person but feel that all my strength has been used up this last year,and dont think I could cope on my own right now. Next relate session on monday so will see how it goes.

love Anne x

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Hello Anne
so sorry to hear what a crap time you are having, and after everything you have already gone through. I guess relate is the most useful thing to do and at least gives you time to think. He needs to know exactly how you feel and vice versa so that you have a chance to resolve it in your head and feel confident about whatever decision you come to.
I’ll be thinking of you
monica

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hi anne,
i’m thinking of you, can’t really say more as not been in that position,it would be hard for anyone going through what you are, but having cancer on top of it and young children makes it doubly hard, but as everyone says getting counselling is a good start, to face up to what has happened and why ( although you might never find out why) . the decision you make about your marriage is yours and only yours to make, i hope your family respect your decision whatever that will be and be there to support you, no relationship is perfect and most people have skeletons in their cupboards.
love reneexx

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Hi Annie,
This thread caught my eye as l had a similar experience, although not while having breast cancer, (only diagnosed this year)
I was 34 when it happened to me, l was pregnant with a much wanted baby, we had adopted twin boys the year before, l had what l thought was a perfect marriage and had never felt happier, l had to go into hospital for the last month of my pregnancy because of heart problems, while in hospital l saw a change in my husband, l thought this was probably due to the strain of caring for the boys etc,
I had a beautiful little girl and felt like l had won the lottery, l wasn’t too good as l had a little heart attack when l gave birth but having my little girl made up for all that.
When l went home l went for a bath one night but l had to get out quickly because l felt unwell, l went to tell my husband and heard him on the telephone, he was speaking to a girl on the phone, l listened and heard all, l was heart broken, l don’t think l have ever cried so much in my life. He told me he loved us both! I became very depressed because he said he would leave as soon as he could make arrangments, l really loved him and decided l was going to put up a fight, l said l wanted to make it work for our childrens sake, the thought of being left with 3 small children frightened me to death, he said he didn’t think it would work because l would never forgive him, l told him if we tried again, l would never mention it again, (and l never have) we slowly but surely put it all behind us and we are still together, 30 years later. We are very close and he cried when l found out l had breast cancer, he has been with me every step of the way and is so supportive. I think what happened with us was we had been very happy with just the two of us for a few years, we did everything together and of course he always came first, all of a sudden we had the boys and a baby on the way and he no longer came first, so when someone showed him attention he took it.If you really love him try and make it work, you will be the winner. Try and do things with him and the children, become a family again. You have been strong fighting all that has been thrown at you with your cancer, you can do this as well. Lots of hugs and keep fighting. Barbara xxxxx

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Hi Annie

I came across your post by chance and want to tell you that I have had a similar experience.

DX September 07 I discovered in August last year that my husband had been seeing an old girlfriend from his teens.

He told me that the meeting I’d found out about was a one off for a catch up. They hadn’t seen or heard of each other for over 40 years. She had contacted him at work.

I accepted what he said and tried to put it out of my mind but then in October he forgot to sign out of his emails and there they - were flirty, familiar messages to and from her with invitiations to go out.

I was devastated, betrayed.

I made that discovery on the day of my annual check up. The onc had found a lump - sheer terror - a scan showed that it was a false alarm but it seemed like hours before I got the all clear.

Because of different appointments I’d been at the hospital that day from 10.30am until 5.15pm on my own. I was so relieved to get home then the discovery!!!

My husband had been rather less than supportive through my BC op and treatment. He didn’t even take me into hospital for my op. He’s a journalist and it was ‘going to press’ day!!!

The past year has been so difficult. I’ve had depressions where I haven’t been able to get out of bed for days. I’ve cried buckets. All I can say is that it all made the BC pale into insignificance.

We are a step family. His wife died and I’ve brought his two children up with my son as my own. This has split the family in two. After 30 years this is a huge sadness. We were always a close family.

It turns out that he had told his brother about it all when he visited last September. His brother was very upset and told him he was a fool.

He wouldn’t go to Relate. He said that it was rubbish and they didn’t know what they were talking about.

All I can say Annie is that you didn’t make it wrong so you can’t make it right. Don’t carry your husbands mistakes around on your shoulders. They’ll weigh you down and there’s nothing you can do about them. He is responsible for his own actions and he must make the effort to try and right the wrong he has done.

Men have a talent for transferring blame, making us feel responsible and guilty. You have nothing to feel guilty about. At a time when all his energies should have been directed at caring for you, supporting you through your BC and giving you confidence to accept what has happened, convincing you that whatever you looked like he still loved and cared for you he decided that the grass was greener. There can’t have been a crueller time or thing to do.

It is understandable that your sex life became difficult during your treatment. Sex isn’t the be all and end all of a relationship. There are thousands of people who, for one reason or another, are unable to have a sexual relationship with their partners. Their relationships work perfectly well. With care and love it would only have been temporary until by his love and caring you found your desire again.

It is your husbands duty to put in the extra effort to help you through your difficult times.

Be true to yourself. Go with how you feel. If some days you can’t even look at your husband - don’t. He must understand the enormity of the wrong he has done and it’s effect on you and your relationship. If you try to force yourself to behave ‘normally’ then he will never understand the deep hurt and betrayal he has caused.

We women always put ourselves last, children, husband. cats and dogs first - we are bottom of the list. Well Annie you are No 1. You must look after yourself and your children. You have had a really bad time both physically and emotionally and you need to heal. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself treats - you deserve them.

I admire your courage and strength. I hope that your husband realises what a remarkable person he has for a wife.

My love to you and big hugs {{{ }}}

Jan xxx

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Hi Annie.

How did your session go at RELATE?, l hope it went well for you and you are feeling better about everything.
Thinking about you,
Barbara xxxx

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Hi Annie,
Just to say how very much I admire your strength and courage.

Sending you love and support: we are all here with you, your experience could, and has, happened to so many of us. Don’t ever feel alone.

Thinking of you,
Sue

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Hi all

Once again thanks so much for all your comments and support. Relate was ok this week, I touched on the subject of how bc and his affair has made me feel as a woman (or less of a woman) and we will be exploring it further in the next session.I still dont think he realises the severity of the effect bc and then his affair has had on me and my whole identity. Also had to go into work this week about starting back mid sept so feeling a bit anxious about it all. How am i supposed to go back after a year as if nothing has ever happened?

Love Anne x

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Hi Annie.
Sorry to hear you are still feeling down, l hope the sessions at Relate will help you. At least if your husband is going along as well he is making some sort of effort. Most men don’t seem to think there is anything wrong with what they have done, l have heard men say, “this sort of things happen all the time” and “i’m not the only man in the world who has had an affair” Is that supposed to make us feel better???
You will trust him again but it will take time.
In the meantime, love to you and try really hard to be strong,l am sure you will win this battle.
Barbara xx

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Hi Annie

I hope that you are feeling a bit better.

I think that you need to take your time in coming to terms with all the things that have happened to you over the past year.

You can’t go back to work as if nothing has happened because it has! Everything that happens in your life changes you in some way. That’s how we become the people we are.

Even if you hadn’t had BC and the ‘husband experience’ but had a year off work, say on maternity leave, you would be a different person when you went back because of the things and experiences you had in that year off.

You have to be yourself, changes included and move forward. Have confidence in yourself Annie. You are a very remarkable person.

I think about you a lot. You’re having such a rough time at the moment.

Love and hugs

Jan xxx

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I am so sorry to hear about your situation and I have found myself in a similar place in the past 7 days.I was diagnosed April 2008 with Grade 3 Stage 3 her2+ oes+ cancer. My partner of 18 years was told I had around a 30% chance of surviving 6 months. Well, here I am a year and a half later, with one Herceptin to go. On Tamoxifen and have breast lymphoedema but otherwise “all clear”. Last Friday I quite accidentally discovered my partner has been having an affair with an old girlfriend from his teens for the past year. He says he “just needed someone to talk to”. I chose not to know my prognosis and was unaware how bleak the picture was so just kept on fighting and assuming I’d get better. It appears not to have been a full on, every week type of affair but I feel utterly betrayed. I thought we could get through anything and that my cancer had brought us even closer. He says all he wants is for everything to be back to normal (we have 2 kids, 6 and 9) and they are really missing him. He says he’s so sorry and it should never have happened and it was a dreadful mistake but I just feel so desperate. This has hit me harder than the cancer and I have spent the past 2 days in bed (something I have NEVER done in my life, even with cancer). I feel I have nothing left to fight for. Also have developed a new symptom and have abdominal scan on Monday and have already had blood tests to check my markers as they’re thinking it could possibly be ovarian problems. I don’t think I can face that, wondering what he’s doing if I’m ill again. And part of me doesn’t want to give him the opportunity to play the doting partner wringing his hands at my bedside. Utterly despondent. Can anyone help?

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dear gillymac,

i don’t know if there is anything i can say that will make things easier for you, i just wanted to write to let you know that someone cares and you are not on your own ( i’m sure there are many others on here who will respond)

it is all very raw right now and i don’t think you should make any drastic decisions. you are coming to the end of a very long treatment, which in itself is an amazing achievment and exhausting and you’ve got pending health issues to resolve. then to have this on top of all of that, not to mention your role as mother - your plate is full!

you do need to put your health and emotional well being first, for your childrens sake and your own. yes they miss their dad but if you are going to suffer if he is around then maybe it is better that he isn’t. you are right that this is a time when you do what is best for you not what will make him feel better. men are so selfish, there are plenty of ways that he could have found someone to talk to without taking this path, don’t think much of the old girlfriend either!

i don’t think anything will take away the pain just now but maybe you do whatever will help you bare it more easily. remember won’t you, how wonderful you are to have made it this far, don’t blame yourself for anything and all you have to do is get thru’ the next thing.

i will be thinking of you loads and wish that i could really help and make it better. i do hope that you have a good family/friend network that will support you thru’ all of this,

special love and prayers for monday
and lots of cyber hugs for now,

lenny
xxxx

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Dear gillymac

So sorry that you are going through a similar situation. My husband also blamed my cancer for his affair, saying that he needed someone to talk to and that it was his way of running away from it all! So the bottom line is me and my cancer are to blame for everything going wrong in his life, even him recently being made redundant! I cried for a week when i found out and had to go to the doctor for some calming medication. All I can say is dont rush into any decision or major changes right now. Although part of me wanted to scream and throw all his stuff out the window, I also had to think of my kids 5 and 9. I kept calm and we are still going to relate, but i am just going through the motions trying to get myself back on track before I decide what to do. I also feel trapped because we are battling financially and he hasnt found a new job yet!
This last week was a real challenge for me as the woman he chose to have an affair with lives just down the road, and my joungest child is in the same class at school as her son! I hadnt seen her all summer, and having to come face to face with her everyday just brought all the pain and betrayal back. I got myself into such a stressed out situation that i have managed to have 2 small car accidents in the school car park!
On Friday though i thought enough is enough and why should i let her make me feel like this? she is the one in the wrong not me! My kids wanted to go to the park next to the school, and although i knew she was there, I went and pushed my daughter on the swing and chatted to other mums while she sat there!
So although i dont think i will be able to forgive and forget, i am at a point where i am doing what i have to for my kids and myself, and am even going back to work tomorrow after a year off!

Hope that you feel stronger soon, and just look at your kids and you will get the strength to go through anything for them! Take care.

Love Annie

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Hi gillymac

I was so sad to read your post. It’s a year now since I discovered that my husband was seeing an old girlfriend from his teens.(see previous post)

My husbands explanation was that seeing his ‘ex’ was exciting!!

It seems that with some men their lives are all about them and when the chips are down the just pick the easy way out.

Like you I had days when I couldn’t get out of bed. The whole episode was going round and round in my head and eventually I decided to write it all down. That helped with the added advantage that I could go back to it and read it and because it was on my computer I could change it to how I felt at that particular time.

It then seemed such a waste if I didn’t do anything with it so I sent it first to an agony aunt on a national newspaper (never done anything like it before) and then I e-mailed it to the ex girlfriend. That helped me to take some control of the situation. At least I’d had my say.

As Annie says you must get through this for your kids. It’s the last thing you need right now but sadly it’s the way it is, none of it is your fault. You have to do what is best for you and for your kids. Hold your head up high you’re the better person here with nothing to be ashamed of.

You’ll be in my thoughts tomorrow. I do hope it all goes well.

Love and huge {{{hugs}}} to you, Jan xxx

Hi Annie

I’m so pleased that you are sounding better. You’re doing exactly the right thing. There is no reason on earth why you should avoid anyone, you have done nothing wrong. I don’t think I will ever forgive and forget either All the best with work tomorrow.

Love to you. Do take care of yourself

Jan xxx

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Hi all. Just wanted to say thank you for all your kind words and sound advice. I’m so sorry for everyone who has been through this and it’s wonderful to be so supported. I shied away from this site during treatment as I didn’t want to know anything else that could go wrong but I have never felt as good as I did reading these postings. I am not alone.
Thank you for the idea of writing it down and sending it to the girlfriend, I think that would be very helpful.
Thank you everyone. And I truly hope that we all get better and receive the love we all deserve.