Husband still doesn't help - how do I get him to act like a man?!

I had BC with reconstructive surgery, augmentation, followed by chemo, & radio ten years ago. At the time my husband went to pieces a bit and although working from home, we ended up asking friends to come in and help me with housework etc.

 

In the intervening ten years, I have had the left breast operated on and replaced twice, the right implant replaced due to a rupture and have just discivered that the left has ruptured badly so I need yet another op to replace it again!

 

I am a bit of a busy-body and have always run regularly, but have had to stop until a good six weeks post-surgery as the ruptured implant is pressing on nerves and hurts. However, I’m still doing all the physical jobs around the house, taking bins out, mowing the lawn, heavy weeding, trimming hedges, etc as my husband just won’t. He is supposed to be taking a bag of garden waste to the dump for me but 3 days later it’s still on the drive, getting wet.

 

Having spoken to a BC nurse, who asked if I didn’t have someone to do all this for me? I had to chuckle as I do have someone who could, but he doesn’t! I often end up calling a male friend to do heavy jobs for me, but then hubby complains as he feels that his machismo is being challenged [ya think?!].

 

How on earth do I get him to treat me less like Superwoman and more like Princess Jasmine? I resent being told I’m not Superwoman after all, but there comes a point…!

 

If you really need him to just tell him. And if he doesn’t stop cooking for him or washing his clothes. But depends how badly you want him to, as it could result in some big upsets… Otherwise grin and bear it, but definitely get someone else to help with heavy jobs, and tough if it wounds his pride.

Alibaby my husband’s the same but was only DX last september., finished Chemo in April and about to have reconstruction and radiotherapy.

Husband has bee useless throughout.
… Too many stories to tell but I get questions like: are you making bread today, shall I leave the ironing board out for you, what colour washing are you doing, when you cook dinner I don’t want any pasta… Then he lists a load of household maintenance jobs which “we” need to do! I’m waiting for him to get stuck in! Worried I’ve got this for 10 plus years!!!

Pidlington say sound out of the same mould
I’m totally exhausted and struggle to get the kids up and out in a morning, I need s sit down for a hour when I get back! I’m dreading radiotherapy with an hour commute each way at 8.30am so will have to have kids out half an hour early for 3 weeks - some chance!!!

Hubby gets in and says how tired he is, sits down for his dinner the off to have a nice bubble bath whilst leaving me to tidy up, set dishwasher, washing machine etc that’s miricales which he hasn’t realised were not auto load and unload devices until I went to hospital!!

He also timed a knee reolacement for 3 weeks before the end of chemo of I had to have my treatment then send 3 days popping back and forth to see him until they sent him home for nurse chemo to then to his needs … Roll out the bell and 2 kids eager to earn pocket money!!

I do think he’s in denial if I give him the benefit if the doubt. Both surgeon and onc have told him how serious my treatment is and how I need help and support. He looks at then sweetness and light, then forgets when we get home and starts planning trips and holidays during my radiotherap??!!!

Will we ever knock them into shape? X

Believe me, all of the above have been tried. No washing, shopping, etc but the the kids have no school uniform or food!! His knee is the straw that broke the camels back really and his expectation that I’d cope.

Ive tried telling him about rads and ses but he goes blank and grunts. The he asked if its going to impact on our holiday so I told he yes and he’d better get used to the idea I may not be going!!!

Bob Hope the legendary Hollywood comedian used to tell the following old joke about marriage – “Never go to bed on an argument – stay up and fight!” Well when my op was done and I had finished all the chemo and radiotherapy I felt ok physically but so exhausted mentally. I craved peace, so I decided to cut out all superfluous chit chat and only speak if I had something vital to say. All I wanted to do was ‘chill-out and relax’. I couldn’t be ‘bovvered’ to ‘sweat the small stuff’ any more – it was too much hassle. When hubby said defensively “I want to watch the drama on ITV” I didn’t protest and say “well I want to watch BBC” I just chirped “fine” and tossed him the remote control.  When he mulishly said “I don’t fancy fish for dinner, I fancy meat pie” I replied “right, meat pie it is then”. When he said I am going to move that plant in the garden I didn’t say “it won’t thrive there” I said “you know best dear”. When he said he was going out to see his friends I merely smiled, said “ok – have fun – see you later” and waved cheerio. This wasn’t a deliberate ploy on my part, I wasn’t doing the ‘surrendered wife’ thing – I was simply being lazy and selfish, tossing the ‘reins’ of the ‘marriage carriage’ over to him, in effect saying “I am too tired, I can’t be ‘a***d’ (to quote a teen phrase) it is too much effort making all these decisions - here, you take control”. However after a few weeks of this sort of behaviour, by me, things got really interesting. Hubby has always been the pragmatic type, definitely not given to flowery compliments, but to my utter amazement, after a few weeks he started making comments like “your hair looks nice”, “I like your new slim figure”, “you’re wearing earrings”, “that dress suits you”, “I like that perfume you’re wearing”- it felt weird as though he was ‘courting’ me! One day he just blurted out something so romantic (& so out of character for him) that I nearly fell off my perch in shock and I had to ask him to repeat it to make sure I wasn’t having an auditory hallucination! (No I’m not saying what, its private). All I have to say is that nowadays we are both much happier and we don’t bicker at all. I am not quite sure how this has come about but this seismic shift in the dynamics of our marriage has taken us both by surprise. I just may have inadvertently stumbled across something rather interesting. If things don’t seem to be going right for you, marriage wise, and hubby is being stubborn and uncooperative why don’t you just give the “yes dear, three bags full” routine a go for a bit and see what, if anything, happens.  What have you got to lose?

Great idea feistyflora but don’t think it’ll work for me. He does what he wants anyway without asking! Although today he asked if we’re doing anything a week on Sunday as he’s volunteered to help at the rugby club - it’s only our daughter’s birthday party which I’ve been organising for months! I did tell him yes dear you go off and help, you’re not needed!!!

After reading all this girls i’m glad i live alone. Yes my house is a mess at mo as i’m going through rads but I couldnt care less. It can be lonely at times but the sense of freedom and liberation is bliss xxx

How true is that FeistyFlora. I can feel the song ‘Freedom’ by George Michael in my ears!!! Lol xxxxx

I’m glad this has worked for you. It has not worked for me. Oh lapped up all the attention and sunny disposition and felt nothing was wrong he became more sullen and told me that I needed to take charge and tell him what to do. I refused as this is alien to my character. We have reached impassioned. I am detached and he thinks antidepressants will cure him without any effort on his part. I applaud you for trying something different. I’m trying everything I know to do before leaving the relationship. We have 2 sons 2 and 6 whom we have adopted. Counselling for now. Thank you beautiful ladies for listening. We are more than our scars!