Hi,
My husband was very supportive in 2003.
But this time I am on my own because he lost his battle with cancer himself last year. I found it more difficult being the partner of someone with cancer than having it myself. I felt so helpless and frustrated. So maybe this is why some men do not seem to come up to the mark.
This time around I feel very lonely, thank goodness for you lot.
Love Maria
Hi Maria,
As well as us lot!
Just thought l would remind you (if you needed it) that you also have two lovely sons, one of which you were sooooooooooooo concerned about before your op! but they got on just fine without you!
But l am sure they were really pleased to see you home again!
No l know, not like a partner/husband, but the next best thing!!
what would we do without our wonderful ‘children’ whether they are a few years old or ‘quite’ a few years old!
Love
Sandra xxx
Totally agree with you Sandra, my son has been a fantastic strength for me and as has my lovely sis and brothers.
Maria - yes, this forum has helped me too. I hope you are recovering well from your op.
xx
Divvy,
Whatever the moral dilemmas of your situation, I’ve read your posts on other threads and I think you’ve done brilliantly coping with bc on your own with part-time support from a partner. What saddens me is that you could end up spend the rest of your life as ‘second best’ if you don’t find a way to resolve the situation one way or another.
You are worth more than that, especially now. You should hold your head up high and go for what you want, if not with him, then with someone else who will be there for you 100%.
E x
What a rubbish disease this is. How it affects every aspect of our lives. This is what people don’t see. The heartache many of us go through.
My husband didn’t and hasn’t supported me at all. He carried on his life as it had always been.
He has never attended hospital appointments, helped around the house,gardened or even missed any of his nights out. When I’ve said anything it’s started WW3.
In his wisdom he decided to take up with a girlfriend from his teens meeting her for drinks leaving me sitting on the settee with BC.
Needless to say we live separate lives now and my name is on the council housing list.
Fortunately I have brilliant true friends (and their husbands) and a wonderful son and daughter in law who’ve been so supportive I couldn’t have got through without them.
All of us needs someone. I do hope things work out for you Divvy1. At the moment you probably need to take comfort where you can find it. You certainly deserve someone special.
Jan xxx
Diwy,
have only just come across this thread but I so understand your situation. I too had been seeing a married man. He left his wife last October and moved in with me but then 3 days after my first op he walked out saying he needed space. Since then he has moved back with his wife although he says that is only because it is his house as well.
He keeps turning up and I keep believing we will sort things out and then he disappears for days before texting me telling me he wants to be with me. In fact he was supposed to ring me today and come over tonight but have heard nothing yet again.
Feel like I am on a rollercoaster which none of us need while going through BC.
It’s easy to say DUMP HIM but not so easy when you have strong feelings for someone.
Take care
Karen x
Sometimes this site drives me mad - I’ve just typed & submitted a response & it’s disappeared into the ether !
Anyway, it was to thank all of you for the support.It’s true I don’t want to be second best, I want to be the most important thing in his life. I do have some morals though - I couldn’t ask him to consider leaving his wife while I was so ill because I wasn’t sure I could trust my motives i.e did I want him, or did I just want someone? Also, how could I ask him to disrupt his & his family’s life when I might not even live ? I still might not, although I am feeling more positive than I was. And I feel sure now that I do want to be with him. This illness has shown me that life is short, & also it’s awful to think that if it had been him who got ill & not me, in the situation we are in, I would never get near him.
Angels, I so understand where you’re coming from. When to tell a potential partner that we’re not perfect is a horrible dilemma (& I’ve only had a lumpectomy & node removal, so far less to see). You won’t know until you do it whether they’ll be fine with it, or run screaming for the hills. Perhaps there’s an element of that in my wish to hold onto what I’ve got - if not him, then who?
Karen, I feel for you so much. It’s far easier to say than to do. There are times when I do feel taken for granted, not that I think he thinks that’s what he’s doing, & I know what I’d be telling anyone else. We can’t help who we fall for though. Hope he comes through for you in the end. What stage are you at treatment-wise ?
Thank goodness for this site where we can be honest & not be judged, & can talk about all the things we’re going through.
Diwy,
am about to have my 5th FEC of 6 and then have to have rads.
Had lumpectomy 26th Nov but it had spread so had lymph node removal 14th Dec so a lovely Xmas for me !!
Have got 3 kids 21,16 and 10 and at times they are what has kept me going.
Himself did ring me but is not coming over as doesn’t feel well so having a quiet evening with a glass of red !!
If you want a private moan then just PM me. I do know what you are going through and like you know that he is the one I truly want.
Take care
Karen x
Hi Ladies
Sitting on the other side of the fence (husband of 41years) it is so easy for me to say, ‘but he belongs to someone else, and is he just using you?’
But reading your replies, has made me understand a little of what you feel, yes l know what it feels like to want someone and know they are the one, but it must be so hard to love and want that person, when there is something or someone in your way. Only you know how you feel, not something you can switch on and off. And with the added burden of the biggest thing in your life bc, it can only make the need for someone you love to be 100% in your lives, we all need that extra support.
You have all spoken with your heart, and l hope you get whatever you want from your relationships.
We all need that special person to love, no one deserves it more that another.
I hope you all get the love you want and need 100%
Love
Sandra xxx
Hi Sandra
It would be easy to think he might just be using me but after all that I’ve gone through I can’t really believe that. Yes, I used to always try to make the best of myself for him, but in the past 9 months, well, I don’t need to spell it out for you, we’ve all been there. Let’s just say I’ve been about as far removed from a glamorous ‘mistress’ as it’s possible to be, & he has certainly seen me at my worst, & least attractive, & still he’s stuck with it.
Guess I’ve still got it !
Hi Diwy
Well Thank you for that, l have had a rotten day today, so your posting telling me ‘you have still got it’ made me smile, know just what you mean! sometimes everything is such an effort so to think ‘you have still got it’ has to be a big booster for you!
Good Luck with your OH, hope one day he becomes 100% YOUR OH, he obviously feels a lot for you.
Love
Sandra xxx
We all know how a diagnosis of breast cancer affects us, how it makes us feel, it must be one of the most distressing/debilitating things we face in our lives, my own breast cancer pain came second to the pain I went through after finding out my husband/partner of 30 years had had an affair with a woman 30 years his junior 3 years ago. I still live with that pain today even though we are still together. The BC I could do again, the affair I couldn’t, it tore my heart. Having said that, he has been right here for me, doing what needed doing for me and our children, he tells me he loves me practically every day, at this time, I can’t bring myself to say it back to him because it still hurts too much.
You are so right Tally, the pain is absolutely horrible. I to this day find it difficult to trust as my ex took that away from me. In the 20 years since I divorced him, I have had a few relationships which failed due to lack of trust on my part. The stress/humiliation I went through at that time also left me with chronic asthma.
I hope one day you are able to trust your hubby again.
x
Aqua & Tally, I’m sure you think I’m a horrible person, but I hope I’m not all bad. I’m far from being 30 years my ‘friend’s junior, we are neither of us spring chickens, I’m a granny & he’s a grandad, old enough to know better you would think. And the stupid thing is I have had this done to me, my daughters’ father traded me in for a newer model years ago. so I should doubly know better. Basically there’s no excuse. Maybe the fact I know this is my only saving grace.
Divvy, I don’t think you are a horrible person, but I couldn’t under any circumstances do what you are doing - I’m sorry but that’s how I feel.
Seeing my son suffer the way he did broke my heart, I just couldn’t do that to another woman or her kids. I honestly would spend the rest of my life on my own than hurt someone in that way.
x
Something that life has taught me is not to say “I’d never …”
I’ve learned that I can’t second guess what I’d do - despite having very strong feelings on any particular subject - until and unless I am in the position of facing that decision. Love is a very powerful emotion, it can make us lose our minds and make us behave in a way we never believed we could or would. But that’s me and I couldn’t (and wouldn’t) impose that view on another person. After all, we are all formed by our personal experiences - for good or bad.
Debs x
I agree with you Debs. There have been occasions when I’ve said ‘I’d never…’ in the past and then it comes back and ‘bites your bum’.
It’s very easy to judge when you’re on the outside looking in. It’s a completely different matter when you are on the inside looking out.
Hi,
I wasnt sure whether to comment on this thread as i am not in the same situation, however my best friend was, so a bit different viewpoint i guess from someone outside looking in.
We were 3 couples all very good friends , and my friend and the other couples husband started an affair which ultimeately was the cause of all our friendships being ruined.
Although i was on the outside i soon found myself in a circle of deciet where i was having to lie or cover for the wherabouts of the others partners many times, whos husband/wife were being told that they were either at my house or gone out for the evening with me, which or course wasnt true, there were times when we were all out for an evening and both people concerned would be touching each other under the table unbeknown to their partners who were oblivious to it all sitting right beside them, i hated it, it got to the point for me where i just didnt want to be involved in this at all, i never wanted to be involved in the first place , i just got dragged in ,soon i just couldnt look any of my friends in the eye anymore , our husbands were all friends too so my husband although he knew what was going on had to lie also to his mates , i eventualy came to the decision to break off my friendships from my friends with some feeble excuses of i was busy .
I expect some people will say that thats not being a good friend but i could see where all this was going and i wasnt going to be there when the truth came out, well, the truth did come out eventualy as it always does and now all their lives are in tatters not only theirs but their childrens too .
People say you cant help who you fall in love with , i dont believe thats true, you can, if someone is off limits then thats just it surely, there are many men and women out there who want their cake and eat it, with no intension of ever leaving their partners, and why should they when they can have the best of both, the fact is most of all lovers will remain that way while they allow it to happen , affairs will always cause heartache not only for the people involved but for others like me who have now lost 4 once very good friends.
As i said i have no personal expierence myself so mabe im not qualified to comment ,ive been lucky i quess as have been married for 30yrs to the love of my life,and know i would never break his heart ive too much too loose, and i certainly am not judgeing anyone here as i dont know them personaly, at the end of the day to me if we play with fire we very ofen get burnt.
I Hope that everyone can find true happiness we are all worth more than second best in this world.
Linda
Hi everyone
Firstly, it’s wonderful to hear about successful marriages such as yours Lindiloo and long may it continue 
My following essay(!) is not aimed at, or in direct respose to, anyone and the quotes used are ones I’ve heard over & over so I truly hope I don’t offend anyone here x
I too was going to keep quiet here, however, my fuse is always lit when I hear the comments such as ‘I’d never do that to another woman’ (as if she’s just nipped on in there and dragged someone’s husband away, kicking and screaming!) or ‘if someone’s married, thats the end of it’ or ‘you CAN help who you fall for’. There is a belief amongst many women that an affair is automatically the ‘other woman’s’ fault. Fair enough, there are predatory women out there but so are there a lot of men who keep their wives happy, blissfully unaware that they’re ‘off hunting’ for more! Some men are genuinely unhappy in their marriages and take on another woman with every intention to ‘do something about it’ … and end up taking the coward’s way out and find it safer to remain in a relationship which may be troubled but they feel ‘comfortable’ with this option rather than take responsibility for what they’re doing. Of course (dare I say it!), there are also wives who neglect their husbands yet expect them to stay faithful and committed just because they’re ‘married’. It takes more than a ‘married’ tag, it takes love, understanding and of course sex (or at least affection!) There will always be ‘greener grass’ out there but if a marriage is a truly loving, happy one with mutual love and respect, no amount of ‘temptation’ would make him (or her!) stray.
I would never ‘seek out’ a married man, however I understand about not being able to help who you fall in love with. Love is a very powerful emotion, whether it turns out to be lasting or otherwise.
Finally (& to stay relevant to the thread!) I wish all couples, married or othewise, all the very best in getting through this wretched ‘C’ disease, God knows, we all need it. Also, huge hugs to all fellow singles out there … it’s tough without a partner around but with amazing friends, it’s a little less terrifying.
This is far too long - sorry! Lots of love to all xx
Hi,
I was once married and when we met he was still married to someone else,
Some people who stay in marriages are not really happy but are fearful of stepping out into their comfort zone,
All I know is if you love someone enough you either stay together, or get out of your situation to be with the person you love,
let’s face it life’s to short to be unhappy x