My wife has gone through chemo and will soon be finished with radiation and I am very worried about her. She thinks the kids and I do not care about her and she blames everything negative in our family, relationship and her health on me. She says if our lives do not change the cancer will come back. I do not know what to do? Even when I do something nice for her she always manages to turn it into a negative. This has gone on even before she was diagnosed with cancer. No longer does she even notice the nice things or gestures I do for her. I am trying to be supportive but at times I don’t know if I can continue on feeling like I am the problem with everything that is wrong. I do love her very much but I feel she does not love me anymore. She says things must change for the better otherwise the cancer will come back and our relationship will be finished. I know I am not the perfect man in the world, nor am I the worst. I believe in every relationship one person solely cannot be blamed for everything wrong in a relationship. I understand it is her cancer that is causing much of this but sometimes it is really tough to navigate through all the pain and negativity. I will continue to support her the best I can but wish she would see me for me and only me. I am not this horrible person she makes me out to be but wonder if she will ever come to notice the real me ever again.
Hi wallplug
I understand that this is a very worrying and difficult time for both your wife and yourself.
Breast Cancer Care publishes a factsheet called In It Together which is for partners of those diagnosed with breast Cancer. I thought I would post the link here for you as you may find it an interesting read.
breastcancercare.org.uk/upload/pdf/bcc08_in_it_together_In_it_together.pdf
I hope you find it helpful.
Kind regards
Louise
Facilitator
Hi
So sorry to hear of your situation which sounds as if you had a problem which has been made worse by the cancer. As a female I can ony explain what sometimes happens inside my head. It just seems that as soon as ‘cancer’ is mentioned I stopped being me - the person and became the disease. I feel I am now ’ a person with cancer’. Members of my family and friends avoid subjects and treat me like I need wrapping up in cotton wool, instead of the same person who just has something wrong with them. I can’t begin to understand what is in your wife’s head but I know that sometimes I do feel a lot of anger at everything for what’s happening to me and I am sure I probably treat my husband badly as a result. Has your wife got someone to talk to or does she keep it all inside - which is what I did until I started to come apart - which is what I am doing on this forum. I have not had chemo or radiotherapy yet so do not know how it effects people but I imagine we are all different. I know you will try to hold on cos you love your dear wife - if you need to talk, I am here as is my husband if you would prefer a man’s point of view. Take care, Estelle xx
Wallplug
It’s difficult for any of us to know what is going on with your wife. Perhaps you could state that you too would like see the relationship change and offer to go to counselling with her. Maybe then both of you can unravel what is going on in her mind. She does need you even more right now.
all the best
Hi,I think it is very hard to understand how a person is really feeling inside.I can only tell you how i felt,i was very angry and i did take it out on the people that loved me!the anger did stay with me for a long time and 2 1/2 years later it is still there a little bit. My advice to you is to keep making her feel special and loved. It is always hard for the other people,scarde of saying the wrong thing etc. Things will get better. Helen
Hi wallplug, It sounds like you are all having a tough time. True your wife has breast cancer and there can be nothing worse than chemo, but actually there is still very little excuse for being in this way and accusing you and your relationship with her as the cause of her cancer. This is emotional blackmail at its worst.
Clearly as someone has already said, the problems were there before, and it seems that couple counselling may be the right route for you guys, because cancer is dreadful cancer and marital problems must make things ten times worse for everyone including your childre.
You could always try and encourage her to come on this site - we are not counsellors (mostly), but she may be able to vent her feelings in a less harmful way, and she may get the support she needs too.
Obviously wallplug if she refuses, you probably need to get yourself some help and support, in order to cope with this.
Take care
Hi Wallplug,
So sorry to hear of your relationship problems following your wife’s treatment. Believe me it’s not uncommon.
If it would be any help, the Partner Volunteer service from Breast Cancer Care is still in operation, and you can get to talk to a partner who has been there themselves. They may, or may not, be able to offer a solution, but you will be able to unload on them in a confidential situation.
BCC will try to match you to someone who has had similar experiences to your own, but I believe there are now only eight of us, so the match may not be too close.
If you would like to use the service, just ring the helpline and ask to be put in touch with one of the Parner Volunteers. The will ring you at a time convenient to you.
I hope this may be some help
Steve