I can’t pull myself round!
I can’t pull myself round! Last week I posted a topic which was about my boyfriend leaving me after I had just been finished my treatment by 6 weeks. We got back together and then split up again on Friday. I just can’t pull myself round!
I feel like it’s been an emotional rollercoaster of self discovery during my treatment but my confidence levels are at an altime low. My hair is growing back very slowly after chemo. at 3.5cm in height and I’ve dyed it brown which makes me feel better. But one of the comments when we split was he didn’t find me attractive anymore! He also said that he was sick of cleaning up my sick and that he felt sick of looking after me and where was his me time.
I wish things were so simple that I could say no thanks I don’t want cancer today thank you. I didn’t ask for it and didn’t want it but It has messed my life up in so many ways. Obviously the boyfriend didn’t deal with it well and although I’m angry at his reaction he has wiped the floor with me. I can’t eat, sleep and keep vomiting.
Work has been a nightmare, they stopped paying me sick pay when I was diagnosed with cancer when I had it before and because I hadn’t been there a year i didn’t have a leg to stand on. I worked pretty much through my treatment as I couldn’t afford not to. So taking time off is not good at the minute, Plus theyve told me I haven’t done my job properly since I became ill.
I wish I was like Samatha and could wiggle my nose and everything would be ok, but life isn’t that simple. I try and think positively as I should be thankful that I am still here and that there are worse cases than me but I just can’t pull myself round.
I’m sorry for moaning. But I feel so alone, unattractive and unloved and unable to move forward. I want so much to pick up the pieces but where do I start? I don’t think I could get any lower if I tried.
This forum has been my lifeline. It is here that I know I can talk honestly about my feelings to people who have been through similar and I’m not judged or slated. Having Breast Cancer changes you as a person in so many ways. I’m still hoping it will make me stronger!
Karen xxxx
Dear Karen
I read your profile and thought how bright and positive you sounded. Read it yourself so you can see how you come across to us - it might help a little. Hang on to the thought that although you may not be feeling like that at the moment, you have felt like that in the not too distant past, and you have the capacity to feel like again.
I don’t think it helps that you have not had the time to rest and recover sufficiently from the physical effects of treatment. And it is certainly not good to have people around who are making situations even more difficult.
I did notice that you wrote on another posting about having the support of friends and family through treatment, but you felt now that once it had finished ‘everyone thinks you’re fine.’ I know some people will persist in this belief , particularly, I found, those who demand a lot of emotional support from you themselves. But have you talked to the people you are close to individually and expressed the feelings you are experiencing now that you have told us about on these forums? And I did wonder if you were doing such a good job at APPEARING to be full of energy and happiness eg whilst out clubbing, that maybe you were reinforcing what people want to believe, ie that you are fine. Have you thought about slowing down a little for the time being? Perhaps going out for a meal or drink with just one friend at a time rather than a group? Easier to talk than if in a group or at a noisy venue.
And rather than ‘pick up the pieces’, maybe consider new things you’d like to try. The ‘Lifechanging?’ topic on Undergoing treatment forum is well worth reading.
Very best wishes.
Hello Karen
I was wondering how you were. Having read TimeTravellers post I can only re-iterate what she says about finding some time to rest and heal yourself. I also agree with the bit about finding a friend to go out with rather than feeling that you have to turn up to everything. I have avoided some of my friends since my diagnosis purely because I just dont feel strong enought to ‘chat’. I hope they will see that its not because I don’t want to see them but I will have to live with it if they take umbridge.
I sense that like you I am the type who has a face for the world, full of strength, lively, humourous and positive. Yet inside I often feel very scared (terrified actually), fed up and anti social of late too!
I havent even started chemo but having a mastectomy has left me feeling very unattractive. My other half used to go out with a model who did the bike and car shows. By all accounts he loved her deeply as well as obviously finding her v attractive. I now find myself comparing myself to her all the time and thinking that he must be out there looking at women who are pretty and possess 2 breasts! I even went on an irrational hunt the other day for her picture just to torture myself even more and he accused me of going through his things and not trusting him…aaaagggghhhh!!! When confronted I broke down and admitted that I was looking for a picture of his ex girlfriend. I am not sure whether he believes me or not.
I know I wouldn’t have done all of this before I had breast cancer but I am scared he will leave me for someone better although I may be pushing him away anyway.
I’m just so angry that I have BC and that I have to have these gruesome treatments!!!
So I know where you are coming from in that respect.
Chin up and let us know how you are doing.
Kathryn
What s…t Get some help either from GP or Macmillan Nurse. Your disability is covered by Law. Don’t let them cut you off. Ask for help soon. Write letters to MP Newspapers ,anyone, send copies to them and say you have sent them to newspapers and MP’s . Best wishes from Nononsense
to time traveller and burmese Thank you both for your e-mails.
I did read my profile and yes I did sound really positive and I will get back to that in time but just finding it hard to pick myself up.
I know it sounds shallow but If I had my hair back fully and long again I would certainly have more confidence. Because I don’t feel good about myself and even less now after being dumped I’ve taken a bit of a knock!
Your right I need time for me and not to put on this brave face for everyone, just to be me.
I believe in fate, and what will be will be. Things do get better and they will.
Thanks.
Karen x
stronger my man came back legless at 2am the night before my liverscan,hed been out with his ex.and told me hed had enough of this “cancer thing” and was leaving me.I begged him just to stay the night as I couldnt face it on my own.He ended up going nowhere but in retrospect I wish he had! He wasnt any help during chemo anyway,I never had much confidence and was afraid of my own shadow in pre bc days but I’m not afraid of much nowadays,Im a much stronger person and Im sure you will be too.BC made me see him for what he is. I deserve a much better man,and so do you. I’ll be giving him his marching orders any day now.
take care Dear Karen
Thanks very much for your message.
Please don’t be so hard on yourself - you are not shallow! You just want to look and feel your best, and why shouldn’t you!
Sometimes other people are not very good at imagining how they might feel if they were in this situation. It’s not simply an illness that runs its course and then we’re okay. There’s the surgery, treatments and effects, and the feeling of uncertainty that never quite goes away that we have to contend with as well. Not everyone has the imagination to consider how difficult it can be having all these aspects to deal with…and that’s without the day-to-day stuff that we all have going on in our lives.
Good luck, and very best wishes.