Having just had my last of 8 doses of chemo, EC then Tax. I am feeling the brunt of it all now.
I have put on two stone in weight, I had previoulsy lost this at Slimming World, and was feeling a million dollars. Obviously the hair is thin, and and inch long. My nails are lifting off - Taxotere side effect. I am retaining water, eating like a horse. As grumpp as hell - with most people.
I just feel really down, I stupidly stopped taking my antidepressants, which can not help at all.
Yes the chemo has shrunk my lump down vastly from 30mm to 12mm at last scan, which i am realy happy with. But no one really seems to get the fact that ‘yes’, all the chemo is finished, and I should be happy. But now I have the surgery, no date but sept sometime. The ovarian ablation, HER + so herceptin in vein every few weeks, tamoxifen oh yeah and radiotherapy.
I knew that this was going to be a long road but my god…I feel that the only people who really understand me are my sister aged 41, bless her she has terminal bowel cancer. She is my rock, and she is going to die. I feel like everyone else is just paying me lipservice… oh you will feel better soon. its your last one…you wont have to go through anymore. My husband, I feel, likes to think that he is helping me and makes a joke about things… but it doesnt keep me positive, it makes me retract into myself even more.
I have no interest in making myself look attractive, if i could stay inside and in my pjs all day i would.
I have been so positive for the last 5 months, but this last few weeks have been really hard.
I am sorry to moan…just felt the need to have a moan, cause at least here people understand what you have to say. Even though I have only scratched the surface!
Hi there Becks,
You sound so tired of it all, just had enough. Like climbing a mountain, you’ve reached base camp and people are expecting you to rejoice. But you can just see the rest of the mountain looming over you. And then there’s your sister, oh, sometimes I just wish I could have a magic eraser and rub out the bad stuff. You’ll get through this though, not because you want to, but because you have to, and there are people here that can read your posts and nod and say “yes, i know that one”.
Just keep going Becks, thinking of you - and, if you want to stay in your pj’s all day, have a day in your pj’s! But do please rename them as a lounging suit and have a tub of Hagen Daas and either a good book or a film - whichever suits you best.
Hi Becks - we would not be human if we did not get down during all this c**p. On top of your own problems, you obviously care very much for your sister, sho is also suffering…The disease is awful, the treatment is awful. Your chemo is finished, but you still have a long way to go…it is OK to feel down. When I have a grumpy day, my friends simply leave me alone. They really understand that I don’t want to put the happy smiley face on and be told I am an inspiration to everyone…
I am a former Slimming World consultant and have put heaps of weight on too. But Becks, that is a problem to deal with once the treatment has finished…don’t beat yourself up about that - you know you can lose the weight again and I am sure your consultant would be 200 per cent supportive of you.
I often meet up with two other BC pals from the same hospital - we met at appointments and via this site - they are an invaluable source of face-to-face support - we each understand the others and their ranting days…
I am a little concerned about the anti-depressants Beck - did you make a conscious decision to come off them…they were probably helping you and, face it, we all need all the help we can get…
Hi - thanks for this. I can really identify with it. I was diagnosed in March - was supposed to have my last chemo last Thursday but it had to be put off until tomorrow because my white cells were low. I just got really down at that news. I’ve put on more than two stone - and rising - because of the steroids. Gone from a size eight - which I’ve been for more than 20 years - to 12/14. Most of my clothes don’t fit me. I’m bald. Nails going brown. Fat, swollen ankles. Periods stopped straightaway. My whole body shape has changed to the point I don’t even like looking in the mirror. It makes me want to cry. Like you I had been really positive. I was told three weeks ago I am already in remission - so why do I feel like this. People - well-meaning - tell me well the chemo is almost over, the cancer has gone etc etc . But it doesn’t feel that great. I feel very isolated at times - I’ve been off work since March. My partner has been brilliant but we’ve had a couple of big rows recently which have alienated him. So I feel even less attractive. I also feel that I shouldn’t be complaining when the treatment has worked. I’m sick of all the drugs even though they are helping.
Hi Beck’s, sorry you feel so down, but worry about the weight when you’ve had your surgery and concentrate on just getting yourself better physically, if your having ovarian ablation, then at least you shouldn’t have to have tamoxifen, thats for pre-menopausal women (and let me tell you, its not nice! i am on it! ) i bet you look lovely as you are, i’ve put a bit of weight on, and am the grump from hell, but hey, i am really past caring what other people think of me because i know that its only because i don’t feel that i have control of my life back yet, i can’t sleep without sleeping tablets, but i’ll face the withdrawal when i have to, my onc thinks i’m a tad depressed, well i agree with him whole heartedly, i am waiting to see the gyni about having my ovaries removed, if i get to the stage where i feel i need anti depressents i will ask for them, Becks your going through such a lot, don’t feel bad about feeling down, and like you, some days i just want to hide away but then i think that i need my fix of sunshine too, like everyone else i am sick of people telling me i look great, now i just reply, yep, i don’t look bad, but my head is completely screwed up, sometimes all i want is time on my own and people don’t understand why, i now tell them its because i need to work out what happened to me in my own head in my own time and space, i was diagnosed on the 6th of june this year, and i can honestly say, life has been pure hell, but its not been as bad as it has for you, i don’t have a poorly family member and that must be so hard on you all, but you especially, because you need all the support too
Hi Alison
Thanks for all of your comments ladies, by the way. I t really helped to read them.
I think that alot of the problem is I am not feeling very informed or enlightened as to why I am being given/treated in the way that I am. Until a week ago, know one had told me that my cancer was HER+ as well as Oestrogen+.
I am one of those people that feels guilty about taking the consultants/docs time. When you turn upto onc app. and the waiting room is heaving, i think best get in there with my appiontment and get out quick. The consultants/onc come into the room, sit on the edge of an examination table quickly ask you if you have had side effects on the last cycle of chemo, then you pretty much feel a little bit like you are taking up their time.
I didn’t know that if you have ovarian ablation that you dont need tamoxifen??? My husband and I were chatting about the next few months and what it holds last night, he said to me about that, why did I need both…so thanks for that piece of info.
I really like the idea of not having to take another drug for 3-5 years!!!
As for the Herceptin, I know that this is what they are offering me, had the heart echochardiogram yesterday. My liver is fine too, thank god ‘cause sometimes the old white wine gets a hammering!!! But how hard is it to weigh up having risk heart problems from the Herceptin against the effectiveness of the bloomin’ stuff??
They are still deciding whether to send me for an MRI Biopsy on my second lump, not sure that I like the sound of that.The second lump if abit weird it hasnt shrunk or changed with the chemo, was hard to find, and appears only on MRI. The coukdnt locate it on ultrasound to biopsy like the huge double golf ball size one that I had. This is apparently a new proceedure…great but i dont need peoplew practising on me!!!
As for the anti depressants… just plain stupidness, have moved recently and have not established routine…forgot to take it for about 4 days, which then turned into 7 days. I took it last night, and I am planning to go to see my GP. I was actually doubting its effectiveness prior to not taking it. My aggression levels sky high, and interest in everything really low, so I think my dose may of been not right.
As for the weight, I know I will be able to loose it and I am actually feeling excited about all of thew great food I can enjoy with Slimming World…who are fab by the way. But when I am up at silly o’clock in the night raiding the fridge for anything the desire to eat is immense. This was the part I new would get me down the most, I can ‘do’ the lack of hair/brows/lashes andthe nails dropping off. But putting all the weight back on and being back to a size 20 after getting into a 14 last summer is a real downer.
But hey, never mind. Its only fat and retained water.
Take care all,
Love
Becks.
xx
I have posted this for new user Theresa
Jane, Moderator
hi becks,
I know how you feel about the weight gain!I run WW classes and have put on 2 stone.Went out for first night out after chemo finished in May only to be told by a former member that “You have piled on the weight”.Bang went that night and went home.People can be so insensitive!
I’m on Herceptin and Tamoxifen and find that body shape has changed totally!
Take care
Theresa x
you have every right to feel p****d off!!! True generally I feel OK but i do feel really angry when people say ‘oh once the chemos over your’ll be OK’ (currently slogging through E-CMF). I feel like yelling back ‘No it isn’t OK’. Goodness knows I’ve had surgery, there 25 sessions of rads to breast, neck, armpit and back to look forward to. Then monthly Xelodene (spelling?) injections for 2 years, arimidene (sorry spelling again). After all that my 10 year survival rate is now down to 70% not what you expect at 50. Yes I know others are worse off but it doesn’t make me feel better about me. GOSH THAT FEELS BETTER!!!
so far i have only put on about 7lbs mainly due to the fact that I can’t stand alcohol or choccies at the moment (sad but true)which sort of counterbalances my other over indulgences However my shape has radically changed all my fat has moved to between my breasts and hips with a little extra dropping in on the old thighs. I too had just lost 1st 7lbs at Slimming World (I’ll be back there!).
RE: tamoxifen - once your ovaries shut down you still produce oestrogens from other organs e.g. adrenals plus there is the stuff that can be introduced into the food chain so tamoxifen can be recommended even after ovarian ablation. I had this discussion with my onc hoping i could just have a quick bit of keyhole surgery rather than tamoxifen. She changed her mind anyway.
Any way sorry to have a little rant of my own - needed to do that for a while I think.
Hope it makes you feel better knowing that you are not alone out there.
Hi Swanie,
You are right it does us good to have a good rant.
I dont think anyone understands what you/we go through during this BC journey, unless they have been there themselves. It is really hard, and soul destroying.
My confidence has been shot to bits to be honest, not just because of my physical changes, I just feel very vunerable. And not realy sure why that is,
Anyway, keeping it short as need to get back tobed…as 5.45 am
Take care, keep slogging awayand thanks for info about oestrogen and did you mean she changed her mind about giving you tamoxifen after ovary ablation, or did you change your mind and are going to take it???
Hope you are feeling a little less peed off today! It’s certainly a very daunting task getting through BC, I finished my treatment earlier this year and am so glad to be through my chemo, surgery etc. I’m glad to hear your lump has shrunk that’s fab news for you.
I thought that after Ovarian Ablation you would be thrown fairly rapidly into surgically induced menopause??? I was after my Hysterectomy when I was 30. So then it may not be appropriate to use Tamoxifen but rather one of the Aromatose Inhibitors? But, I always understood that you would still require some form of added hormone cover for the 5 years, as Swanie has described?
I would definitely check your further options with your Onc.
hope you are feeling - I definitely am. finally getting my moan of my chest really helped - it is something we all need to do. I know what you mean about feeling vulnerable, I find I feel all tearful for no reason what so ever.
about the Tamoxifen in my case my Onc changed her mind and decided that Zelodene(injections) to push me into menopause ,and Arimidex - aromatose inhibitor (think I’ve finally got the spelling right right) would work better for me. We did talk it through - in the end I trust her judgement, she knows her stuff. We may still go for the ovarian ablation but the Zelodene will fill in until that can be sorted.
It is a long haul however only 2 more trips to the chemo unit so things are passing and eventually settle down. You will get through it too - it just seems hard to remember what normal life is like sometimes.
fingers crossed the sun stays a little longer - it does make a difference. hope you got some decent kip in the end.
Take care all of you - look after yourselves you deserve it.
love Swanie X