Please can someone give me some advice? A very close friend was diagnosed with a grade 3 breast cancer yesterday. She is in her early 40s with 2 young boys. She is having a mastectomy next week followed by 18wks of chemo. What can I do to help with out intruding? Obviously help with the boys goes without saying, and she knows Im there for her 24 hrs a day, but I was wondering if anyone had some more specifiic advice- what helped you? Thanks in anticipation, Im beside myself with worry.
Hi Mandaw
I’m really sorry to hear about your friend. She is very lucky to have you here seeking advice from women who’re in a similar boat. I imagine that she is in a major state of shock at the moment with a million things racing through her mind. Similarly, you and all her loved ones are reeling and trying to offer words of comfort. It’s very early days for her and she will be having to have loads of tests and hospital visits coming up which will take over her life, whilst she’s not even come to terms with this diagnosis and what it means for her.
I’ll be honest, I found that with people’s desire to be supportive they sometimes said things which weren’t helpful. It’s not intentional but it doesn’t help, at this stage especially. For example it’s not easy to be positive when you are facing a potentially life-threatening disease and your brain is trying to cope with that knowledge. Apart from the shock and horror of it all, coming to terms with having cancer and the grief of losing a breast, your brain is also trying to process the practical implications and you’re worrying about things that will affect you in the long and short-term. This diagnosis throws up financial worries regardless of whether you work or not, you worry about your survival and the impact on your loved ones. Then theres the physical side of things and how you are going to cope with the impact of such drastic surgery when you’re so young (I’m 40 too), whether it’s the practical aspect (recovery time, how mobile you’ll be and how that affects your day-to-day life - e.g. she may be wondering how she’ll cope - who’s going to collect kids from school, her strength, energy to cook etc), and then you think about impact it will have on your body image, sexuality and relationships. And that’s before you’ve even started with the chemo! It’s a very intense period for her. Sometimes it’s easier if people just say that they don’t know what to say - it’s perfectly acceptable as we are not born experts in handling breast cancer! So, perhaps if you can help with practical things whilst she’s getting her head around it all, that’s a good place to start. From an emotional point of view she’ll know you’re there and when she’s ready to talk she will let you know.
Everybody asked me what they could do to help, but my brain had other things to think about and the last thing I needed was to start thinking about what people could get me, apart from the obvious magic wand! But it was practical help that was good in the early stage when I was numb - family and friends did my shopping for me, took me to hospital, sorted out my pc problems, collected stuff from Post Office - all the mundane things. They also updated my friends (with my permission, of course, as I couldn’t even face talking about it at that stage) and even broke the news to those who weren’t in the know.
There are a few books which might help you written by people who’ve had cancer and I found that my family had a better understanding of me once they’d read it. I think one was called “What can I do to help - 75 practical idea” by Deborah Hutton. And one that was “help me live…20 Things people with cancer want you to know” by Lori Hope. The Insensitive or what thread will also give you an insight about how some seemingly innocent words of support can be quite hurtful. It’s a steep learning curve for you and for your friend as you navigate around this.
Sorry if I’ve bombarded you with too much information - I’m on steroids and hyper!!
Good luck & let us know how she gets on.
xxx
Hi Mandaw
I found it really helpful when my best friend shared a tear and a laugh depending on how I was feeling. It is four years since I was diagnosed with secondaries and this weekend she flew from Manchester to Cornwall just to spend a few days with me. We celebrated that I am still here and laughed at my other best friend who had said I would not make three months.
Good Luck
Love Debsxxx
Hi
Friends have cooked for me, which has bee incredibly useful, they bring dishes around ready for tea!. Help with kids great obviously.
also just phone calls and support are good
hope your friend does ok
Hi
Just to say I also recommend Deborah Huttons brilliant book.
Anything anyone can do of a practical nature to help someone suffering from bc or indeed any cancer I find is the most helpful.
I have had plenty of people ringing to say how sorry they are and how brave I am and how they know I can beat it. How do they?
But friends who are willing to come to chemo with you, take you to the hospital, do shopping I find the most helpful.
She is lucky to have such a great friend.
HOpe all goes well.
Starfish x
Sorry to hear of your friends dx. As others have said at this stage she will be in a state of shock and bewliderment.
On the practical side I would say the most useful things to help with - other than the boys of course - are shopping, cooking and ironing. I had WLE and node smapling so a much lesser op than a mastectomy but was unable to raise my arm properly so washing my hair was a problem … not meaning to be insensitive givent hat your friend will most likely lose hers during chemo… but there is the time between surgery and chemo to think of. Making coffee was another major problem initially cos I couldn’t pour the kettle with my dodgy arm. There are also the personal things like dressings may need changed and it’s not easy to do it on your own. My Mam came to stay for a while after my surgery and did mine for me.
On the other side of things there is emotional support - this is a tricky one cos too much is annoying (yes I know it sounds horrible but there is only so much kindness you can take) and not enuff leaves you feeling abandoned. Play it by ear and take your cue from your friend.
You are obviously a very good friend and I wish you and your friend all the best.
Can only agree with everything above Mand, but want to say thank God for friends like you. A lady who was not in any way my best freind pre-cancer has been an absolute rock for me. She checks I 'm ok every other day, cooked for me the day after each chemo, buys me a smoothie every week. House-cleaned a couple of times after surgery…also provides hugs when I am down. This may sound over the top, but it isnt, she doesnt stay long as she has a job and family.
Your friend is so lucky to have you. When I think of the people who made a big fuss to begin with but have never been back…
Good luck to both of you getting through this, Zoe
I have a friend who would ring and say ‘what can I do for you this week’ or ‘can I do anything for you’. It’s better than ‘let me know if there is anything I can do’. She rang after every chemo session and was (is) a real star in staying in contact.
Really useful things, are the practical things especially with childcare. Freezer meals were really good.
On the emotional support I agree with lilacblushes, I couldn’t take people being over sympathetic or soppy in the end I asked to be treated normally.
A good friend is worth their weight in gold when you have BC.
I took the decision after my DX not to tell my son and daughter immediately cos they were both taking exams, therefore only a handful of people new including one person at work. She proved to be an absolute godsend because work was the only place I could talk about the cancer and she just let me run on and on and on about it all day, she never moaned or tried to change the subject although I swear she must have wanted to occasionally! She didn’t particularly offer any advice, there really isn’t alot you can do in the early stages except be there to listen. Practical help comes once treatments have started but the thing I found hardest to deal with when word got out was peoples need to pacify you with tales of so-and-so who had it years ago and she’s fine now, or the classic one where apparantly BC is completely curable these days so “you’ll be fine”, oh right I’ll shut up then. I know this reaction comes from people’s desire to make everything alright but you can’t so the best thing you can do is be there, listen, laugh, cry and love. It makes a world of difference.
AJxxx
PS I was grade 3 with micro lymph involvement, got away with a lumpectomy, had chemo and rads and now on tamoxifen. The road is long and harder than I ever imagined but I’ve done it with the support of my family and friends. I had my nails done today followed by lunch, first girlie thing I have done for over a year and it was great.
I was DX the day Maddie disappeared and a year on I’d still rather be me than Kate.
Good luck and love to your friend, neither of you are alone in this
Well ladies
What fantastic friends you have, most of mine have been pretty distant
.!! My " best friend" doesn’t even call me she sends me a text now and again. She wrote me a letter basically saying don’t rely on her for anything !! But I have some wonderful people who have become friends. One mum at the school is going to take my toddler out for a walk tomorrow so I can have an hours rest.!! She came round when I had my hair shaved of and she held my hand when I broke down in tears in Tesco’s…!!! She has been fantastic as has my mum. Still its a time to find out what true friends I have…I guess.!! Sorry sound a right moaner…!! All people react differently don’t they !
Good luck, be there to support with love, laughter, tears and smiles. Priceless…
xxx
Im sitting here reading your comments with tears rolling down my face! You have all left such good advice. I must admit to being worried about saying the “wrong” thing or too gushy and sympathetic. The first thing she said to me when she told me tuesday night was " I have something to tell you and if you’re nice to me I’ll cry , and I cant cry because the boys are still up!" She has asked me to let our immediate group of friends know whats going on and keep them updated and I think that was the hardest thing Ive ever had to do. Paula43- your comment about your best friend struck a chord as one of our group said “oh dear thats a shame” and hasnt spoken to me since! Im hoping that she is in shock like the rest of us.
*** is having a CT scan and a chest xray tomorrow-is this routine?
How long is she likely to stay in hospital after the mastectomy?
Thanks so much for your advice-I’ll tell her about this site Im sure it will help to know that she is not alone.
Much love
xxx
Hi
I was bombarded with people offering to help but to be honest as someone has said your brain is elsewhere and you cannot plan or think far ahead especially at the beginning. I am not one to ask for a lot of help as I wanted to carry on as normal for the children (I was diagnosed at 41 last summer with 2 small children)
I am not saying I missed it , and my friends have been great but it would have been a nice gesture for people to turn up unexpectedly with things or do things for me withot me asking .
Can you imagine ,no I’m fine thanks but dont suppose you could drop off some home made chicken soup could you ! I did ask for help with the children though because I really needed it so am sure your friend will too. As you are a close friend you really will be rock to her. The most stressful time was probably when I in hospital and my hubby was a bit bewildered doing the school run , tumbletots etc etc ! I had my sister come down to stay overnight but again did have to ask. It would have been nice for them to say look I will do this… for the week . Apart from the death of my parents it has been the worst time of my life so yur help will really be invaluable.
I also asked two friends to help me choose a wig so rather than being a traumatic event it was actually ok and we had a laugh. You could offer to go with her as its a pretty daunting experience.
Cally x
HI ,jus thinking the wig thing is further down the line … woudn’t go there yet !
Also I was in hospital 5 days
cally
After a mastectomy help with practical things was what was needed and my sister-in-law very kindly flew from Cornwall to Scotland to help.
During chemo what I really wanted was people to be normal with me. A cancer diagnosis can be very isolating and some of your friend’s friends may not be able to cope with her diagnosis and just disappear. During my chemo, in addition to emotional support, I needed to do normal fun, things - cinema, coffee, walks, lunch, etc. - as often as I could.
Hope that this is helpful.
Sue
Hi These,
My good friend’s husband used to pick me up after chemo because I was so out of it. Another friend helped me choose my wig, another took me out to do “normal” things when I felt up to it.
I think just checking up on her would help. Also she may like company when she goes for clinic appointments as she probably wont take everything in and will need reminding who said what.
I had one friend although willing to fly in from Germany upon my dx she waited until the chemo was over so we could go out and celebrate.
Just be there for her it may be for the smallest things and take any conversation leads from her, she may want to talk about serious things but may also want to keep it light.
You are already there just by asking for advice.
Kate