I'm Feeling Low

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I finished my chemo (2xEC, 4XTAX) 12th Jan, and had lumpectomy 23rd Feb. I’m scheduled to have 15 rads in April. Physically I’m more mobile and my energy levels are increasing, but I’ve hit a low and don’t understand why. I had expected to feel brighter and more positive after my last chemo and surgery were completed, and for a couple of weeks I did, but now I’m down in the dumps.

Maybe it’s frustration as my brain is a mush, it’s a struggle to articulate myself and this makes me feel stupid and affects my confidence.

I am not worrying about my future and have infact had a positive approach regarding my cancer, I accepted the diagnosis well after the initial shock, and didn’t ever think ‘why me’ because, why not me? Although chemo was horrible and I suffered many S/E’s I didn’t feel low in spirit, I was fatigued and in a lot of pain but managed to keep my pecker up.

I find I’m retreating into myself and don’t want to make phone calls to friends or family, and have little enthusiasm for socialising.

Did/does anyone else feel like this? Is it normal? I cannot understand why I’m so low.

Mothers’ day tomorrow and I’m going to have to put on a brave face for my daughter who’s taking me out, right now I think it will be difficult but naturally I’ll find the strength to do so.

Libby x

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Libsue,
I think what you’re feeling is very common. It seems that when you’re in the middle of active treatment you feel safe and when it finishes or pauses you feel insecure. I have one more FEC to go and then rads shortly after and , having read other people’s experiences here, I’m very nervous about the next stage. I think everyone expects us to be normal again as soon as treatment is done. Just think of what we’ve been through from the shock of diagnosis onwards. It’s not much wonder our confidence is in pieces.
I hardly leave the house, having been in hospital with septicaemia last month and being very anxious to avoid another infection.
Give yourself time to get over all of it. I hope your mood is a little better tomorrow so you can enjoy a day out with your girl. I know I’ll have to put on a brave face for my boys when they arrive. It’s also our fortieth wedding anniversary tomorrow - no prospect of celebrating that just now.
This blasted disease takes a lot away from us but we won’t let it beat us. Think of what we’ve achieved so far. Better days are coming. Let’s take one step at a time. Deep breath, shoulders back and on we go.
Many hugs,
Kathleen

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Kathleen,

Thank you so much for your response and kind words. I think you hit the nail on the head saying - everyone’s expectations are for us to feel normal after chemo is finished. I wonder if I’ll ever feel normal again, indeed wonder what normal will be in the future. My short term memory, lack of concentration and difficulty in remembering even simple words is what I think is getting me down. Conversations are difficult as it can take me minutes to find a particular word I’m looking for; I was able to laugh about it before, but now find it frustrating.

I wish you a lovely day tomorrow with your boys, and I’m sorry you won’t be able to celebrate your fortieth wedding anniversary in the way you’d like, but hope you can arrange a celebration when all active treatment is completed.

Take care, have a good mothers’ day which you deserve and thank you for being here for me - it helps so much.

Libby xxx

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Awwww Libby,

Sending you large fluffy hugs from me, I’m sorry you are feeling so down. It is enevitable that you will feel down at some point in your treatment, a woman can only be so strong and now is your time, when you have a break in treatment and have to anticipate the next stage of treatment just ahead of you, but too far for you to see clearly…

I remember being in such a position when I was first diagnosed, a break in treatment ( had to wait 16 weeks for rads in those days) completely threw me and I can say hand on heart that I have never had depression until that moment…it lasted 3 weeks but I felt that, for no good reason in a total fog, completely useless and scared. It was a time to reflect and all those feelings that we throw into the back of our minds, creep through and catch us out. We do work to include peoples expectations and don’t want to dissapoint them in feeling differently to what they expect, people aren’t heartless, they just don’t understand.

It does get easier, much easier…in time. I even managed to forget for days at a time that I was any different from anybody else but I tried to explain to a close group of friends about 5 yrs after diagnosis that it still felt like the sword of damaclse hanging over you, but only momentarily for a few seconds during a thinking day.

You are a lovely, strong and able lady, be kind to yourself and give your mind a time to grieve your past life, put it behind you and move on.All will take time, its a self protection thing. Your lack of regular sleep isn’t helping matters, i dare say either…

Have a lovely time with your daughter, I have no expectations of today, I am just glad to be here, one last time :o)

Kathleen, you sound like another one who needs a little tlc after such a run through the mill, enjoy your day, keep it simple and adopt the selfish approach for a while and give urself a break too.

Good night, sleep well

Clare xxx

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Hi Libby,

Just wanted to back up what the other ladies have already said, I remember being in a really low place just after surgery like you I took the dx very well and just got on with things, I suppose it caught up with me after the surgery, I didn’t think it would affect me (always had small boobs) but I think maybe I was mourning the loss of my breast and the sudden realization that that nipple and breast is gone forever, maybe you are mourning the loss of part of your breast (lumpectomy) or your previous life prior to the dx, I think this is normal and like clare has said with time it will get easier, its still early days since your last chemo it could be that, I think it is normal to feel the way you are feeling, remember we are all here holding your hand.

Have a fab Mothers Day with your daughter, its beautiful weather out there go out and enjoy it.

Sending you extra big hug
love and light
sarahlousie xx

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Dear libsue

I am sorry you are feeling low. I have attached a link to an article by Dr Peter Harvey which people on these forums have found helpful.

cancercounselling.org.uk/northsouth/extra4.nsf/WebResClient/1761049276601BD68025735B00604834/FILE/article3.pdf?openElement

Hope this helps.

Take care

Very best wishes

Janet
BCC Facilitator

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Dear Libby. Sorry you are feeling so down, sending hugs over the cyberspace. The end of treatment has left me feeling that there is an empty space where I used to fit in and don’t anymore and I don’t know what to do about it, just putting it down has brought me to tears. So although I don’t have any answers I do send love and hope you feel better soon.

You are such a sweet and nice person Libby, always supportive and kind, I am very glad to have met you.

J x

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Dear Libby
I do hope you’re feeling better today and can so empathise with how you are feeling. Being dx and all the overwhelmingness of the treatment is like a whirlwind, and only when it stops can your head, befuddled by chemo, catch up. I was 38 at my dx 4 years ago and my children were 4 and 2. After WLE and chemo, I had to go a flight away from home for 6 weeks for rads and that is when I broke. I was away from everyone and everything I know, with a different team of staff incuding a very busy bcn. I spent most of the first 3 days away crying, which I had not done prior to that!

Anyway, the reason for writing was to say that we all go through these terrible times and feelings and no one, no matter how well meaning, can possibly understand. I had a chemically induced menopause through chemo then I had a period then had my ovaries out so had a surgically induced one, so by the age of 41 was post menopausal, which made me feel so different from my friends.

The different SEs of chemo take different times to get over - chemo brain in particular for me was an issue, but although I am still slower than before bc, I am so much better than immediately after treatment, and you will be too. I think we expect ourselves to be exactly who we were before, as does everyone around us, but we are not, and it takes a while to get used to your new normal.

Have a lovely day, hope it’s as sunny there as it is here.

Kinden
x

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Kathleen, Clare, Sarahlouise, Julia and Kinden,

You ladies are wonderful, thank you so much. Your empathy, compassion and understanding is very helpful, and your kind words much appreciated. You are helping me to put things into perspective and acknowledge that my feelings are normal. Of course you are all right in suggesting my ‘future normal’ will not necessarily be the same as my normal life pre BC, and once I’ve adjusted to and accepted the new me I can then move forward and get on with my life. Your accounts and experiences give me hope that in time I’ll feel comfortable with who I’m going to be post BC.

I love this site and it’s wonderful users.

Thank you Janet for the link, it’s a most interesting and helpful read.

Clare, sorry you had a disturbed night and hope you got back to sleep again, I’ll catch up with you and the Claredrops soon. Hope you had a nice day. Thanks for your kindness and taking the time to respond to my plea, I’ve listened to what you said and so value your comments. x

Sarahlouise, thanks for impressing my feelings are normal, appreciate all you said. x

Julia, sorry to hear you too are feeling ‘lost’ and wish you acceptance of the new you. Thanks for your kind words. x

Kinden, sorry you had a tough time and hope you are in a more comfortable place now, thanks for your good wishes. x

Kathleen, thanks again and hope you and OH were able to enjoy your ruby wedding anniversary, I know it won’t have been the celebration you’d have hoped for but a big bash can wait until you are well enough to enjoy it. x

I had a nice day, my dau’s gave me lovely presents and cards containing beautiful words. My OH was working, as was my elder dau, my younger dau took me out for afternoon tea and we had a lovely time, a walk in the sunshine and then home, this evening we had a nice king prawn and rice stir fry eaten on our laps, we felt such rebels as OH disapproves of ‘lazy’ eating and always insists on a laid table - he’s right of course but occasionally it’s fun to be a slob. I managed to put a smile on my face and do feel a little better, the fresh air and my dau’s company were a tonic. Kids’ are great levelers and give us a purpose in life!

Did everyone else have a good day, whatever you were doing I hope you enjoyed yourselves.

Love to all you kind ladies.

Libby xxx

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Hi Libby

just read your post about feeling low and I could have been reading about myself. I had a mastectomy 5 weeks ago and somehow managed to get through all the appointments and surgery…but last week out of the blue, I was in the bath and I just sobbed and sobbed. It was like all of a sudden it hit home just what I’d been through and what I’d lost and how I would never be the same again. I too struggle with concentration and even forget what others have said within minutes of them saying it!

Luckily I don’t need any other treatment so now I need time to reflect on everything and mourn what I’ve lost and this will take time. But i’m hoping that time will heal and that my brain will improve!!

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Hi Libby

just read your post about feeling low and I could have been reading about myself. I had a mastectomy 5 weeks ago and somehow managed to get through all the appointments and surgery…but last week out of the blue, I was in the bath and I just sobbed and sobbed. It was like all of a sudden it hit home just what I’d been through and what I’d lost and how I would never be the same again. I too struggle with concentration and even forget what others have said within minutes of them saying it!

Luckily I don’t need any other treatment so now I need time to reflect on everything and mourn what I’ve lost and this will take time. But i’m hoping that time will heal and that my brain will improve!!