Hi all - any words of wisdom gratefully received, especially from any budding agony aunts!!. There are often threads about our friends or family not understanding our situations or feelings. I thought my best friend was doing great - she lives 300 miles away but came to stay to be one of my chemo buddies and also used to send lots of texts etc and tel calls to keep us going in the hard times. Now I’m over the worst of my SEs and also have some energy we asked her to stay to celebrate her birthday and to have some fun together - haven’t had fun with her for over a year now. She was due this afternoon and rang first thing today to cancel. her cat is ill. The niece looking after cat is not apparently competent enough to cope.
I am so disappointed - and angry - I feel like it was a big treat and its been taken away. And I feel she doesn’t understand how important it is to me to be fit enough again to go for walks and go out for a drink and enjoy myself - even if I am in bed by 10pm!!!
WOuld you or would you not give her a piece of your mind!!
thanks agony aunties - Nicola
Well I would keep quiet. It seems to me that she has been a great support to you through your treatment. Many friends disappear but she hasn’t, she has stood by you all the way. Friendships like that need to be nurtured. If I were you I would bite my tongue. I understand you are disappointed, and hurt, but it’s not worth falling out over. Once something is said, it cannot be unsaid, and you may regret it later.
I think you are so right - and I think I may be behaving like a bit of a spoilt kid. Think I got oversensitive about it cos my health is now so important to me I expect eveyone to value each day like I now do. Also I don’t take the possibility of doing something in a month or so instead forgranted anymore. Thanks
Hi Nicola
Something similar happened to me a couple of weeks ago. My bf has a history of no shows so I should have expected it. We have not seen each other this year as she lives many miles away. But she has been great with phone calls, parcels and emails. We were booked to go to a concert in Sheffield and she was due to meet us there. I was expecting it to be quite emotional and was a little worried, but also really looking forward to seeing her and enjoying the concert. She phoned on the morning of the concert to say she had a bad night with her little girl and felt too tired to come. We had booked her ticket arranged the hotel, sorted child care etc. The band was even playing in Newcastle ( on a Wednesday), but we booked Sheffield as it was a weekend just so she could go and on top of that I had already seen this band three times. So basically we had jumped through hoops to accommodate her and now she was too tired to come.
Anyway. I was v calm on the phone and said that one thing this year had taught me was there might not be a tomorrow to put things off until. You have to seize the day and not assume there will be another chance. But I told her it was up to her and to ring me back after she had a nap. She did and said she would regret it if she didn’t come. So we went had a great night, no tears, just laughs and more memories. She is my bf and I know what she is like, but sometimes you have to take what bc has taught you and apply it to your life.
Hope you get it sorted. ( ps me and oh used the hour nap time to plan a great alternative if she said she wasn’t coming)
Debxx
You deserve a pat on the back for sitting back and thinking things through. It can be the easiest thing in the world to just spout off, it’s a much more grown-up thing to stop and think first.
If you’re not a cat person it can be difficult to understand just how much they mean to their owner - my soon-to-be ex and father of two of my kids killed himself, I didn’t shed a tear for him (lots for the kids but none for him). But when the cat got hit by a car? Totally inconsolable for a week. It may not be that niece isn’t competent and more that your friend doesn’t want to lumber her with cleaning up cat puke and cat poo while she goes out and has fun so would feel very guilty at the imposition.
I hope you get to rearrange the fun at a time when she won’t feel pulled by home responsibilities and then you’ll both be able to have an even better time. In the meantime, could you and your OH use the time to go out and enjoy each other’s company, as Deb suggested? You might find you get an unexpected bonus of having some special together time you weren’t expecting.
And well done you for getting a bit of ooomph back in your life, even if others might not realise what a big thing it is for you. It’s great for those of us at the other end of the trudge to see it’s possible to come out the other side.
Thanks for your time and thoughts Deb and CM -just been and bought a nice rack of lamb ( cost a fortune!!!) and a nice bottle of wine and will have a good night anyway with OH, ta v much, N
Hi I also agree, I have also wanted to rant and rave at friends, but I haven’t I’ve bit my tongue cos it’s when I am emotional that I get angry. And I don’t see my BF all the time we might not talk for week or so, but I know she is there, her and her partner had the flu at Christmas then lost a relative so I didn’t see her from when I was diagnosed or the mx for about 2 months. Didn’t mean she didn’t care it just was life. And I have also to remember she has a life to. Good friends are far to precious to loose with cross words , and CM is right if your animal is ill it is like one of your own being sick. Take care love Ruth x
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Sorry, please don’t take this the wrong way, but the implication of your post is that your friend somehow owe’s you support, and is failing you by doing something else. I don’t mean this as a criticism of you, because I have had similar thoughts myself when for example my daughter has decided to go out with her boyfriend rather than spend time with me. I think to myself, doesn’t she understand that as a stage 4 person, I won’t be here forever, but the reality is none of us will, and others have their life to live. The sad fact is that life doesn’t revolve around us, and it’s probably good to recognise that, so that we get on with our lives and become more self-sufficient.
Lemongrove, you raise a good point, though the fact that moorcow did stop and think first before ranting also shows that she thought about things and didn’t automatically expect her friend to have no conflicting responsibilities.
It can sometimes be difficult to get out from under the “OMG I’ve got cancer!” rock that’s landed on us and that sometimes makes us a bit selfish, so it’s worth reminding ourselves sometimes that others have lives to lead and we’re not the centre of the universe. Thank you, and very best wishes.
thanks everyone - yup lemongrove you are right - its good to get over yourself sometimes, and yup norberte, the classic lesbian cat scenario you so hilariously describe is spot on!
An update - me and my OH had a lovely evening without my BF. I rang BF and said how sad I was not to see her but kept it light and I hope had managed to process most of the “poor me” stuff before calling her so I hope she didn’t get that dumped on her. So - thank you BCC forum friends for helping me to hold myself together somewhere a little more edifying than where I started out!
bw Nicola
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