Is this normal?

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Hi, Im Jennifer and im 19yrs old. My mum told me last night that she has breast cancer, she only found out herself yesterday too. She was very upset when she told me, but when I heard what she said I just felt numb!?! I dont know if that is normal. But today, iv been looking and researching websites about b.c and I know how serious it is but I still haven’t cried and I still feel numb.
I dont want to do anything, I want to cry but I cant.
I just want to know if this is normal and what I should do!?

Hope your all ok though. Thanks.

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Dear Jennifer.

Yes, this is absolutely normal.

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer (bc) a little more than three years ago, my daughter was 18… Telling her and her 3 year older brother about the diagnoses was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. My daughter reacted more or less like you. I know it was very hard for them both.

You ask what you should do. As I do not know you, I feel I cannot answer that. But I advised my daughter to be open about it to her friends and teachers and everyone else, which she did. I also tried to arrange for her to talk to a BC nurse about it and I invited her to come to the hospital with me and to talk to my doctors. She refused it all. Perhaps you would like to do some of the things I have listed here.

To her it was very important to have a breathing space, to be able to be with her friends and not think about me and bc all the time.
But she was very concerned if I felt that she let me down this way. I told her I did not.

We agreed that if she wanted to talk to me about my desease or anything else, I would listen. But she wnted to do so when it felt right for her. If I needed some help around the house, she would be available.

She did some shopping, cooking and cleaning, which I really apprediated. And as the weeks went by, we had long talks and shared tears and joy.

I will not say that I know how this is for you, just because every person is unique. I do not even know to the full extent what my disease did to my daughter.

I just want you to remember this; You cannot be there for your mother if you don’t look after yourself. I am sure that you love your mother dearly and that you are a fantastic young woman.

Do what you feel is right for you, cry if you want to, scream at the top of your lungs or get flaming mad. Go out with friends when that feels good or stay at home if that is what you feel like. Every reaction is normal.
But please try to eat something.

And remember: You will get through this. Eventually

I wish you and your mother all the best and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Your mother is lucky to have such a caring and loving daughter.

Love from cava (from Norway)

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Oh, Jennifer your reaction is perfectly normal. It’s not suprising that you feel numb-you’ve had a terrible shock,and it will take a long time for you to make sense of it . Try not to do too much searching for information-there’s a lot available, but many of the statistics are outdated, and there are new developments on such a regular basis, that keeping up to date is difficult.

I’m sure your Mum is still in shock too, but perhaps if you have another chat, and tell her how you feel, she’ll be able to reassure you. One of her biggest worries will be you…how you’ll cope and handle the news, so by chatting to her, she’ll realise that you’re trying to help and understand as best you can. I know when I was diagnosed, my biggest fear was frightenig my kids (I have a Jennifer too!).

You sound a lovely girl and you’ve made a very good start to this horrible journey you face, by trying to understand the illness better. But, instead of gathering lots of information, please try to just take a day at a time. Once your Mum’s treatment plan is decided, then focus on finding out about it. For example, if she’s having chemo, then look the possible side effects of the drugs.

There will be a lot of ways in which you can help and support your Mum in a practical way, but she’ll also value just having your love and support, and a shoulder to cry on at times-a bit of a role reversal at times!

There are also a lot of people here who’ll be able to advise and guide you+/or your Mum, so don’t hesitate to shout out your qustions, and we’ll do what we can to help.
Take care of yourself-it all looks bleak at the moment-but don’t forget that the longest journey begins with a small step forward, and you’ve already taken that step. Hope all goes well for your Mum, and you’re soon back telling us how well she’s doing! Love to you both,xx

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Hi Jennifer

My mum was diagnosed with breast cancer just over a year ago. I felt the same numb. Also did a lot of research on the internet (it doesn’t always help as there is a lot of negative information on the internet). I then went through a very tearful phase and I was soo worried, upset and angry about my mum being unwell. Things did then get better over time.

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Hey Jen,

I would say that i agree with the ladies here, they have said all the right things, your feelings are normal, please avoid searching for info, and take each day ata time, I find that the info on the web, can be miss leading, and you will get lost with many negative statistics that are out of date. your mum is not a statistic, no one is, everyone is a fighter here, especially the ladies. and cancer treatment is very effective these days,

This place / website / forum, is great the ladies here have helped me so much and continue to help me with thier strength and courage. they all have positivity and attitudes that i never though i would see. ElaineD was one of the first to respond to my first post, she is ispirational.

I am only a year in with my wife, we are a young couple, each day I get stronger,

this forum is a good place for letting you feelings out, and getting support and strength.

as a family member, son, daughter, husband, it is hard, you have shown some amazing strength, in posting on this website so quickly, it took me a long time to face things,

I admire your strength, stay regular on this forum, the members are all so helpful. this disease is treated very effectivly these days, and this place offers great support

have hope! use this site as much or as little as you want, it helps, find your local cancer charity, and speak to someone if you feel it may help, I have a counciller and she has helped me find a new way of thinking.

As elained says, you’ll be on here soon, telling us how well she is doing!!

my thoughts are with you, stay strong.

MattM

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Dear JenniferKate

Welcome to the forums where I can see you have received lots of support from your fellow users, in addition please feel free to call our helpline for a chat with one of our team who can offer you a ‘listening ear’, it may help you to share your feelings with someone in confidence. The number to call is 0808 800 6000, 9-5 weekdays and Sat 9-2.

Best wishes
Lucy

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Hi Jennifer

When I told my daughter(24) and son (14) they both reacted differently. My son was angry and punched the tv!!! After the initial shock, I answered any questions he had as truthfully as I could but told him I wanted him to carry on his life as normal, which he has, although he is still angry.

My daughter felt that she couldn’t break down because I didn’t. This led to problems later on for her. She also works at the hospital where I was diagnosed in the histology dept. which made it worse.

No one knows how they will react to news like this and I dont believe there is a ‘normal’. Try to cope one day at a time and if you need to talk to someone you could always try your moms Breast Cancer Nurse, they will know all about your mom, websites are great but can be misleading.

Love Elaine xxx