Is this normal?
Is this normal? Mum has extensive secondaries and we have been warned that she may only live for a few more weeks.
Mum and I are really close (Like sisters and best friends too!)as we are both only children) and I have dreaded Mum’s death almost all my life!
The thing is I’m so surprised about how I’m coping, Obviously I’m very very sad and upset, but I imagined the bottom would be falling out of my world and at the moment it isnt! I’m carrying on fairly normally, shopping, nights out, holidays etc. I’m scared that I’m bottling this up and I’ll have a breakdown when she dies.
Factually I am devastated that Mum is only 56 and won’t be around to see me marry or have children, Emotionally I feel very calm and resigned about this,
Is this normal, or do I need to get help in facing up to my emotions before they cause me problems?
Thanks
Lou
xxx
Hi Lou, i lost my mum to renal cancer when she was 54 and i was only 24, now i have bc myself and how i wish she was here! but she isn’t and i remember how hard it was for me when she was dying, i was her main carer and i coped with that really well, i think its more of a case that we put a brave face on and suppress our feeling, i know i did without realising it, and i often wish that had i spoken to someone about how i really felt then i would not have gone through the two years of agonising after she had died, so please, even though you may not feel that you have to talk to anyone, talk to a best friend, or one of the great people from here, i learnt the hard way, and now that i have cancer myself, and believe me, i’ve always been so independent, i am going to talk to anyone who will listen, as i know that it really does help.
big hugs to you and your mum
love
alison
I was the same Hi Lou
I lost my mum last year, she had mets to lung and brain and died of pneumonia. She was 55 and I was 25.
The relationship I had with my mum sounds very much like yours, she was my best friend and was literally the centre of my world, and I couldnt imagine life without her. After she was diagnosed with secondaries she lived for a year, and it truely was the worst year of my life as I was waiting to loose her.
At the time I didnt think that I would be able to bear it, and couldnt even allow myself to think about loosing her, it just seemed far too awful to contemplate. I didnt think I would be able to go on with my life without her, especially as I was so young and would have so much life without her.
After she had died I felt a kind of sense of relief. This sounds really heartless but the constant worry was instantly taken away. Of course I missed her, it felt like the world had ended, but I went on. I too felt very calm, and it has continued like that to this day. I still have a little cry every day for her, and if I see something that sets me off it means that I have a bad day, but overall I think I am coping really well. Many people have said to me that they think I am internalising everything too much, and that I need to let it all out otherwise it will catch up with me in the end. I have been waiting for this to happen to me since she went and it honestly hasnt. I believe that this is just the way that I cope with it best. I am carrying on with my life as normal and if you didnt know that I had had such a horrendous bereavement under a year ago, i dont think you could tell. I feel like I am my normal self, and have done really since she went.
I think that you are dealing with it in the best way personally for you. When you loose someone you imagine that you walk around a wreck, but the reality for myself and my sisters is very different. Of course we talk to eachother about it, but I think that if I dwelled on it too much it would take over my life. I have to concentrate to make sure that I dont spend too much time thinking about the last days of her life as that always upsets me, but I can think of her with a smile.
Before I lost her, if one of my friends was in my situation and behaving this way I would be worried that they were not dealing with it properly. I know myself best and I believe that I am dealing with it constantly, just because people cant see that doesnt mean I am not doing it. It wouldnt help me to be in tears all the time and it gets on my nerves when people say they think I am not dealing with it, because they havent had to go through it.
I hope this has helped a bit, I dont seem to have made many productive points looking back! Please keep in touch I read these boards everyday and will always reply. If you would like to ask me anything about after loosing my mum and you have any specific questions I will help any way I can.
Love Joanne x x
I am so sorry to hear about your mum Lou,
I am so terribly sorry to hear about your mum and how this awful disease has progressed. I remember our postings when our mums were first diagnosed.
I cant really be of help but maybe it hasnt really sunk in yet and you are in shock - keep posting here as I am sure you will get lots of help.
I am thinking of you all and sending you and your mum lots of love
Sarah xx
It’s as normal as it gets… Hi Lou,
After having a father die from colon cancer at 59 yrs old, and my twin brother of brain cancer at 50 yrs old, I shed a lot of tears. Surprisingly to me, when my mother died of stroke at 75 yrs I didn’t shed a tear - I was just happy she was at peace after 2 yrs in a home and many strokes. Luckily she died before my twin and I got cancer, as this would have decimated her.
I think I was in shock when Mum died, couldn’t really believe my parents and twin had gone - but somehow, you just find a way through all this mess. My mother was a shining beacon in my life, always encouraged and supported me, even though I was the most difficult of her three children. I did all the things my Mum wanted to do = got a great job in which I travelled the world, and found second time around, a wonderful husband.
Luckily I have a great supportive husband, an only child of only parents, so he has no close relatives, but he has been brilliant in helping me cope with not only their deaths, but my Crohn’s and bc.
I hope you have some close friends that you can unload with in time.
If not, you can always come onto this site, where there are many lovely, intelligent and supportive ladies to help you out.
Take care,
Liz.