It’s never ending

Last few days I’ve had a lot of flashbacks to my finding the puckering on my breast, the mind blowing traumatising diagnosis, the botched biopsy that was given with hardly any anaesthetic  

The leading me from room to room as if in a slow motion film, hearing nothing consultant said as I felt like I was under water…And that’s just the beginning of the traumatic horrific rest that was to come.

2yrs later & not any respite from this nightmare.

I do have counselling & medication.

Its none stop as well as physical side effects.
Cant see any light at the end of the tunnel. 

Oh MoDo, what a horrendous situation to be in. I’m also two years on and the physical side effects are well-nigh breaking me. I’m nowhere near the woman I was (and I don’t mean the missing breast - I see that as my life-saver) and I feel I’ve aged about 20 years. None of this is psychological, nor the effects of anastrozole - it’s chemo attacking my tendons and long-term effects of both chemo and radiotherapy. I really didn’t expect life to be like this once my treatment was over. It’s sh**, isn’t it?

Having been phobic almost all my life, I can understand how your trauma feels like it’s eating into you and it’s great that you are getting support. I imagine though that it’s online, which just isn’t the same as face-to-face. I guess I’m fortunate that nothing could match my phobias so, after a similar early experience to yours (painful biopsy, numb haze, hearing nothing that was said) I have dealt with the psychological side stoically and I tend to look back and think that, appalling though the experience was, it did save my life. 

I hope you get a few beautiful moments, maybe just listening to the birds or spotting a rose defying the wintery elements, to remind you that there is light and you will find your way through the tunnel. We just move at different speeds. Thinking of you,

Jan x

Hi MoDo, 

I’m so sorry you’re still struggling after treatment. From what you’ve said it sounds as though you went through a dreadful and traumatic experience. It feels very lonely feeling like you do and I’m glad you’re having counselling. 

Im 18 months post treatment and just cannot move on. I’m struggling with depression and waiting to have recon. Nothing has ended for me and I’ve no idea when it will. I’m having counselling which is slow progress but I’m glad to have someone to talk to. I wish there was something I could say that would change things for you except to say that you’re doing the very best you can for now and that’s all you can do. Keep talking and try to be kind to yourself, take care xx