It’s now been nearly 4 months since my mum died of cancer. I’ve been trying to be soo strong, hide behind the smile bur I think it’s just finally hit me and I don’t like it. I’m scared. I was just lyin on bed trying to sleep and then started rhinking about mum and the fact that I’m never going to get another hug, heart to heart chat, kiss, advice, I love you again. I lived with mum and our 2 cats and now it’s just me and the girls (cats) and it’s awful. The house feels empty and I feel soo lonely. What do you do. How do you deal with all og this.
People tell me to talk to friends etc but I’m a bit of a proud person, I’m 26 and have always been strongwilled as mum brought me up on her own so have has to be strong but as much as I want to talk to people even my boyfriend I can’t. I don’t know what’s wrong. I feel like I don’t want to burden them with my problems but yet I’ll listen to theirs.
I guess for me it’s just rubbish at the moment with everyone talking about Christmas and that is the last thing I want to be thinking about. as far as I’m concerned I’m not going Christmas this year. I just am struggling and I’m one od these people that is strong on the outside but a mess on the inside but no one sees. Sorry everyone for the blurb just had to get it out. X Annabel x
Oh annabel I just want to give you a huge hug. Your mum was so lucky to have such a loving daughter.
Have you thought about speaking to your gp? It’s not uncommon to have some reactive depression following the death of somebody close to you and they may be able to help with counselling or medication. Also you can call the bcc helpline during the day if you need to chat to somebody. You dont have to be brave and strong you are allowed to be upset and angry. But it does sound like you need to speak somebody… Maybe you could do something like make a scrap book of things that mean the most to you with photos and happy memories or use your feeling to write or paint or some other outlet. And don’t become a recluse… Life does go on and I’m sure your mum wouldn’t want you to be miserable.
Hi Lulu, yes I think you’re right, I do need to speak to someone. I don’t want to go to the gp - I’d almost rather fo somewhere when no one knows me if that makes sense. Everyone says to me how amazing and strong I am and how o keep smiling but really I put on a front to hid all the bits behind. A hug is definitely what I need as feeling very low. I just bottle things up and don’t talk to anyone. I just don’t know how to deal with the grief as nothing like this has ever happened to be before. I’m just scared of being on my own as well. People they and help but unless you’ve been there you can’t do amuthing and you don’t know what to so if that makes sense. Xx
Please do phone the helpline, the staff are here to support you through this. Calls are free, 0808 800 6000, lines are open at 9am this morning until 5pm (Mon to Fri) and Sat 9am - 2pm.
Tinkerbell you loved your mother so much and she was a part of you that will never go. She helped make you what you are. A lovely living person. Your are correct in feeling you want to speak to somebody that you don’t know. That way you don’t have to hold back. Do give the Helpline a call as Jo said. You will find them so empathetic. They will be able to point you towards perhaps CRUSE counselling in your area. Your G.P. will also help you- it might be they have somebody attached to the practice for counselling or bereavement care.
I so hope you get the help you need
A big Hug and cuddle if you wish it
Cackles
Hi Tinkerbell,I help run a bereavement group in our Parish,though at the moment on Tax cannot be part of it because of bugs and company,it does help to talk.This month of November being whats known as Remembrance month.At the moment sacredspace.ie has a very comforting writing for this week to focus on.Tiny tiny hope it will help,When my Mother died and now, at the oddest moments a window would open in my mind and I was right back with a lovely memory!!
IN the dark dark wood thread we have a virtual chapel were you can light a candle go to gratefulness.org and search DDW and light a candle.sounds cooky I know, but it might just help.
Love and Light Mavisxx
Hallo Tinkerbell. The other posts share some constructive advice I can’t add to. But your post has touched my heart and as one mother to another mother’s daughter, I send you lots of love and hugs. God Bless you - your mum must be so proud of you as she watches over you. Xxxx
Hi Tinkerbell,
You lovely young woman ,your Mother must have loved you very much- you have strength to feel so much and dare to share it with us.Grief is so intense and it takes a lot to face it.I wish you all the best . xxx
Sorry to hear about your mum and the difficult time you are having at the moment. I’d just like to echo all the other things that have been said about counselling which, personally, I have found really useful in the past. Sometimes I would go along thinking I didn’t need it or that I wouldn’t know what to say and then it would just all come pouring out.
When you have been used to being the strong one it can be difficult to get help but at some point in all our lives there comes a time when it’s OK to acknowledge that a little outside help is exactly what we need and deserve to help us gather ourselves and to move on stronger.
A few weeks ago, after a particularly insensitive dr gave me more bad news about my BC, I finally picked up the phone to a helpline (BCC), something I have never done in my life before. The woman on the end of the phone was fantastic and helped me hugely. Why not give them a go as a place to start.
As well as making you strong, your mum also left you with lots of lovely memories. Be kind to yourself and let others take care of you for a while.
Hi Annabel, 21 years ago my mum died of cervical cancer, and at times in certain places I still miss her not being there to share! Like you I was and occasionally still am the “strong one”! Am struggling at the moment to accept help as I have BC, however slowly but surely I’m starting to let people help me with a bit of shopping and letting them make my tea, it’s actually quite nice and my friends and family feel like they’ve done their bit for me, so win win situation really!! haha!
Got to be honest though this site has been a sanctuary and a massive source of support. As lovely as my family and friends are, sometimes they are not the people I want to tell my thoughts and feelings to, but the ladies on this site “get it” and don’t feel uncomfortable or get upset about what I’m saying.
If you need us, we’re here
Big deep breaths, be kind to yourself and one day at a time will see you through, massive cyber ((((hugs)))), Simone xxx
So sorry for you having to deal with all this crap. I can’t imagine what it feels like. So many good suggestions already but also it might be helpful to make contact with a Maggies if you have one near? Doesn’t have to be official, can be very low key and they might be able to help.
Keep in touch and keep using the forums. A hard one to get through on your own and you are probably used to dealing with it all so well and putting on a brave face that it can be hard to let your guard down.
I was coming on to tell you to contact a Maggie’s centre. They are very informal and very helpful. Don’t feel guilty about how you feel but you do need to talk to someone and preferably someone like the counsellors at maggie’s or the Macmillan nurses.
I lost my mother to cancer when I was 26 so I know how you are feeling and my daughter has been a great support and help to me.
It won’t be easy and you won’t forget this time or your lovely mum but time does help to allow you to remember the good things about your time with your mum ,
Wish I could help more,
Margaret x x x
I have also just lost my mum to Secondary Breast Cancer- she passed away on the 29th Oct 2011, after an 8 year fight. She was only 64 and I am only 31.
I am an only child, and it was only me and my mum all my life- I’m lucky in that I have my OH whom I have been with for 7 years, but I have no other family apart from my mum and My OH’s family (who are great), but it feels so desperately lonely without her as we were best friends. I moved out at 26 and have my own house, but I spoke to my mum every day, and seen her every weekend without fail, staying over with her many a time.
I’m here if you need to talk as I know exactly what your going through.
Keep strong and keep your friends around you- accept help if anyone offers, and take each day as it comes.
Thank you all ladies for your comments and support it means a lot. Hugs to you and lots of support to you all no matter what stage or situation you are in. Keep strong. xxxx
Oh tinkerbell
I feel for you and send you a big hug. Reach out to the offers of help. A piece of advice I should take myself as my mum’s cancer has just spread all over. I want 10 mins in a cage with the fng thing. Rip it apart. Scream.
With love
Janette
Sorry to hear about your mum. I hope you are ok. If there was. Chance to have to time with the dreaded cancer in a ring I would’ve taken it hands down many a time. I hope you are ok. Be strong. X