Just a joke

Just thought that any jokes good or bad would be good for a laugh if we shared them. Doesn’t matter how old it is. : )

Whart goes up a chimmney down but can’t go down a chimmney up?

an umberella - boom boom

What is black and white and red all over?

A newspaper

What do toilets and anniversaries have in common?

men always miss them.

ROFL Vodka I like that one, having 3 males in the house I know all about this, we had to remove the radiator next to the loo, why do plumbers do that are they thick or what, sorry no offence to plumbers wives meant

new, translated women definitions:

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

what do you call a man with half a brain?

gifted : )

Husband buys his wife a birthday present. She opens it and says “what do I want with a rocket?” He replies “you wanted space, now get lost”

For several years, a wee Glasgow man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would paid her a large sum of money if she would go back to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write ‘Spaghetti’ on the back.

He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 7 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

‘Honey’, she said, ‘You received a very strange post card today.’
‘Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later,’ he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white,and fainted.

On the card was written: 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra Sauce !!!

The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his
body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old sergeant-major who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, ‘From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.’

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old sergeant-major insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the sergeant-major to 'drop ‘em’, which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief’s weenie and began to work back. ‘Dear Lord!’ he suddenly exclaimed, ‘Where are your testicles?’

The old sergeant-major calmly replied, ‘The Falklands.’

what did the experts of the nineties discover could do the work of ten men?

one woman.


what do men call a man that can cook?

a chef.

what do men call a woman that can cook?

a housewife.


how do you brainwash a man?

give him an emema.

What’s pink and fluffy?

Pink fluff. What’s purple and fluffy?

Pink fluff holding its breath!

what do you call a man without a dug (dog)

douglas

Mick & Paddy are walking home from the pub; Mick says 'I can’t be

bothered to walk all that way’

‘I know’ says Paddy.

‘But we’ve no money for a cab and we’ve missed the last bus home.’

‘OK then, we’ll steal a bus from the depot’ said Mick.

They arrive at the bus depot and Mick tells paddy to go in and get a

bus.

‘I’ll keep a lookout.’ says Mick.

After shuffling around for ages Mick shouts 'Paddy, what you doing? Have

you not found one yet?

Paddy shouts back ‘I cant find a No: 9’

‘Oh Saints alive, ye thick sod’

‘Take the No: 14 and we’ll walk from the roundabout!’