I posted here a week ago about my concerns surrounding my upcoming biopsy. Now I have the results: IDC. I’m disappointed, anxious, but not really surprised. I had a gut feeling this was the news I was going to get. I’m now waiting or a call from the breast clinic to schedule my next round of tests and such.
I haven’t told anyone yet, and that’s honestly the part that worries me most. I can handle this. I can endure anything. But the thought of breaking the news to my partner and my mother makes me utterly sick. My partner has been so worried, and I can’t stand that I’m going to have to break her heart with this news. She’s going to be devastated.
My mother will handle the news better. She’s a retired nurse, so she has more practice than any of us at handling serious health issues. I know she’ll be worried, but I also know she understands the process and knows how treatable this is. So I’m less worried about telling her, but it’s still hard. I don’t do well with serious, emotional topics like this.
If anyone has any advice about breaking the news to your loved ones, I’d be grateful to hear it. And thanks to all who have read this far. I appreciate you.
Hi @oceansoul
Sorry you’re going through the cancer journey . I waited until I got all the test results and info when I have surgery etc
Told my daughter she’s a nurse so was easy my son took it badly same as my husband lots of tears . Then I was blunt and told best friends the only hard thing was I was reassuring other people I was ok as it should of been the other way round
I think people don’t know what to say then you get I had a friend had the same they were ok , it is hard to tell people but I didn’t want to hid away from it
I’m sure you will be fine it’s surprising how strong and resilient you become
Take care hope all goes well Xx
@oceansoul My husband came with me so received the news at the same time as me. He whatsapped our 3 adult children - they live away from us so no face to face possible. I WhatsApped my friends - I felt I couldn’t tell them face to face. Doing it this way gave me time to think about what to say and how much information to give.
@pat it is difficult face to face .Unfortunately I was given my results on my own was during Covid my poor husband was in the car park waiting for me , that was hard sitting in the car telling him . I did feel better once my children knew was a tough time but you get through it xx
Hi oceansoul, it is difficult telling your closest relatives and friends. I burst in to tears when I told my parents. I was fine when I told other relatives, but was in tears again when I told my boss at work. I did feel better once they knew and they all gave the support I needed at the time. Best wishes with your treatment. Lets us know how you are x
I basically told all my close friends and family as soon as I was diagnosed. My husband was with me at the appointment so he heard at the same time as me but I think was more shocked as he was convinced it wouldn’t be cancer. We then told my parents face to face and although they were originally upset a hug and stating the facts helped. Same with our kids. They were initially very upset but the next day I got up did the usual tasks and went to work. It helped them to see that I wasn’t ill. Since then we’ve had lots of time to talk about what the journey would look like and they’ve been prepared for everything. I told my sisters and friends by WhatsApp chat which is a total cop out but I found saying the words “I have cancer” really hard. I also recruited a friend at work to tell me other colleagues, I’m happy to talk about it but just hated the original conversation. I would agree with previous post stating that the worst but is that I felt it was my job to tell everyone not to worry and that I was going to be fine, they’ve caught it early, very treatable, etc. I saved the negative thoughts for my own head (usually about 3am) and here!
PS I’m sorry you are going through this and wish you well with your journey from here. I’m certainly no expert but happy to answer anything if I can. X
I know exactly how you feel, my husband and sister knew from the get go, but I waited until I had a surgery date and test results back, etc before I told my children, parents and friends.
I explained to them that I would be having surgery in a couple of weeks to remove some cancerous cells in my breast, and then the plan is radiotherapy. My mum told me afterwards that I said it very reassuringly, and I found people were not as shocked as if I blurted out ‘I have breast cancer’. That actually helped me too as I was dreading the look on people’s faces.
However you say it will be a shock but it also depends on how you yourself are feeling at the time. I had a while to digest and process the news so was less emotional when I told everyone. Xx
Even though you think you’re ok with the news deep down you probably want to cry, scream, shout and curl into a ball and all of that is normal
Telling people is a very personal choice with no right or wrong
You absolutely need at least 1 to be with you supporting you for the next few months but you may choose more if you’re having trouble with practical stuff like children going to school, pets, shopping, cleaning, ironing etc
I was on my own when i was told but when hubbie got home he asked so i told him face to face, we cried, we hugged, we cried again and then ate tea!!
Once i knew about surgery and a treatment plan i messaged my sisters and 3 close friends because i could control the message but everyone on getting it rang me and there were lots of tears, questions and offers of help and support
I didn’t tell anyone else until i was at chemo 2 stage (some 6 months later) because i was losing some hair and had had to turn down dates, evenings out, gigs etc so i posted on faceache with some photos and had some amazing responses but also some horrid ones ( be aware that even close friends may act differently towards you and the news and use language thats hurtful and unhelpful)
This site and MacMillan have some useful hints and tips on how and when to share
Just be kind to yourself and actually get a little selfish…this is all about you and your recovery and coping mechanisms
Just a small “add” from my side. As I have been going through the process, other than my partner I have added a few days on each time I had a test/appointment. In other words if a scan was due Wednesday, I told everyone it was due Friday. That gave me space to process first any news and people wouldn’t text asking “how it went”. Giving myself space before having to share news with others worked well for me. Might not for others, as each person is different.
Reading this made me cry as I remember it so well. My husband was with me so he knew. We then waited until I had my MRI and CT results before telling the children so we could tell them the plan. That was really tough but was a relief once they knew. I messaged my close friends to tell them because I would have broken down face to face except for my closest friend who had guessed something was wrong…. A lot of people don’t know as I have just tried to keep things as normal as possible for my boys. Sending love x
I’m so sorry. It sucks and there’s no way around it. As far as advice on how to break the news, I didn’t worry about how I came off to adults. Shit happens and we all have to deal with it when it does. So I think I would be straightforward and remind them of the amounts of treatments we have for this disease. Yes we can cry and be sad but then we just have to get on with it. I will like to add this though. Hopefully your partner surprises you and handles this okay. But you will not be able to be her support through this if she doesn’t. Her job will be to support you. You are the one fighting for your life and she’ll need to give you as comfortable as an environment as possible in order to do that. Now that doesn’t mean she doesn’t need support, comfort or understanding. You can definitely support her as she supports you. But if she wants to overly cry and panic she’ll need to do that with someone else. If you take on that roll it will wear on you in a way that can impede your healing process. Guard yourself because the fight against breast cancer is not just physical but mental, too. If anything the mental fight is the toughest. So yes, you can love and be concerned about others. But not to the point you neglect your own needs.
Totally agree with @Kay0987. The mental fight is tough. My husband has really struggled. I have tried to get him to get outside support but he is reluctant. This means we often feed off each others anxieties. I have approached Maggies and am going there for support and was hoping he would too. He bought himself a book instead!
Well he acknowledged he needed help and that’s good Maybe the book will be useful. But glad you decided on therapy. I’m starting EMDR therapy in the next couple of weeks with my therapist to see if we can finally get rid of some lingering PTSD in regards to doctor’s appointments. I’ll probably keep a therapist for the rest of my life.
So sorry you are going through this. When I was diagnosed I told most people by text message as I could control the conversation more and respond to their replies in my own time. With in person conversations I have been very matter of fact and positive as that’s just how I am about stuff. And then I’ve lead by example and by that I mean carrying on with normal day to day life (whilst waiting for treatment) and having very open conversations with family and my adult children. I’m also willing to answer questions from friends although I am starting to realise some ‘friends’ are just down right nosey. I’ve also noticed that I’m supporting and reassuring others more than they are reassuring me… People assume the worst but that’s not the case with treatments today. In fact I do find it quite annoying how other people jump to the worst case senario
Telling people is a personal thing with no right/wrong ways of doing it.
My husband was with me for confirmation of the diagnosis, but 3 weeks before that I’d had to ring him to tell him I’d almost certainly got breast cancer. I hated that call but he’d have wondered why I hadn’t rung if I’d not told him until I got home 3hrs later.
The next person I told was my hairdresser. Sounds stupid, but I told her because I wouldn’t have to look at her whilst I was saying it. So it didn’t feel so bad for me, and I treated it as a kind of practice for how to tell others. (She’s a longterm friend so I knew it’d be okay.)
Some work colleagues, I opted not to tell as I knew that they wouldn’t cope well with the news, so I asked others to tell them.
But with family, it’s harder. Both my brothers I had to tell by phone as we live miles apart. Neither took it very well, but I did my best - and your partner and your mother will know that you are doing your best when you tell them…
I only told family and close friends. For some others who wondered why I wasn’t playing sport I just said I was having a small procedure so would be out of action for a few weeks
My husband was home when I received my”do you have a minute “ call from my dr. I sat on the floor and we cried together. Telling my adult children was more about timing. My mom was difficult. She is 94 and I didn’t know how she physically would handle the news . I am a single child and we are very close. For me the telling was difficult. I cried every time I said “ I have cancer “I didn’t tell other family members till the week of my mastectomy. I emailed them a painting of an empty bra with 2 birds in the cups. With a brief explanation. Almost 8 months from the call. And I’m doing well. Sending you hugs
xx
Maybe the book will be useful. But glad you decided on therapy. I’m starting EMDR therapy in the next couple of weeks with my therapist to see if we can finally get rid of some lingering PTSD in regards to doctor’s appointments. I’ll probably keep a therapist for the rest of my life.