Am new to this website, have come on today to try and research.
My mum came home last night and told us that she’s just been diagnosed with breast cancer. We’re all in total shock. I don’t know what to say to her, or what to do, and I haven’t stopped crying.
It just doesn’t seem real.
Can anyone share their experience of what’s best to say/do in this situation? What things does my Mum want to hear right now?
Dear laura1985
I am sorry you are having such a difficult time and are worried about your mum, please feel free to contact our free phone helpline on 0808 800 6000 if you would like to talk to someone in confidence about how you are feeling. Everyone on our helpline either has experience of breast cancer or is a breast care nurse. The team comes from a variety of backgrounds, so callers get to talk to someone who has an understanding of the issues they’re facing. The team is able to talk about both technical and emotional issues surrounding breast cancer and breast health. The lines are open Monday to Friday 9am - 5pm and Saturdays 9am - 2pm.
Kind Regards
Katie
Hi Laura,
So sorry to hear about your mum. My mum was diagnosed 21st Dec last year and is now doing really well. I think the shock was the worst bit and like you, I didn’t stop crying for about a week. It will take a while for your mum to get over the shock as well, it’s such a lot to take in. I know exactly what you mean about not knowing what to say, and I’m afraid I still can’t offer much help as I guess there is no ‘right’ thing to say - you just have to be there for her and listen if she wants to talk.
Do you know what kind of treatment she is having? We found it was easier once the treatment had started to start looking forward as it kind of gives you a focus, don’t know if that makes sense? The ladies on here might be able to offer you advice on supporting your mum and tell you what they wanted or needed to hear when they were diagnosed.
Best wishes to you and your family,
Zoe x x
Hi Laura
I’m so sorry to hear about your mother and I know how you must be feeling as quite a few years back we had a scare with my mother and breast cancer and although thankfully it turned out to be nothing I was petrified whilst she was going for the tests, scans etc and then she had an operation to remove the lump - she had more or less been told it was cancer and in the end it turned out not to be. I went through all the emotions that you must be going through and felt I just could not cope. Unfortunately I myself have breast cancer and have gone through an awful time from finding the lump to being diagnosed and going through treatment but I have really picked myself out and got on with life.
There is a lot that can be done for people with breast cancer and in the last few years the treatment has become much improved. The most important thing is just to be there for your mum and give her comfort.
Sending you lots of hugs
Rebz xx
Thanks for your comments guys.
She found a lump, which has been confirmed as cancers, but they have also found some abnormalities in the same breast, which they have done tests on. If these are found to be cancerous, then that’s not good, and I think it will mean she loses her breast. If not, she will have the lump removed, then radiotherapy? does that sound right?
They have said that the abnormalities could be calcification which occur when you get older, but my Mum seems to think this unlikely since she has the cancerous lump in the same breast. She gets the results from this biopsy in the next couple of days.
You guys probably know more than me about what goes on!
She says she’s relieved now she knows that it is; she says the not knowing was the worst.
laura x
Hi again Laura
The not knowing is hard although I knew I had cancer as first found a lump in my armpit - went straight to GP who found lump in my breast (the one in my armpit had spread from breast into lymph nodes). Anyway I had a mastectomy 4 weeks ago. I was hoping for a lumpectomy which is where they remove the lump and some of the surrounding tissue but because of calcification (which you’ve mentioned above) I had a full mastectomy where the whole breast is taken off including the nipple plus the lymph nodes. I also had 6 lots of chemotherapy prior to the operation to shrink the lumps (one in breast was 4cm). The chemo worked well and the lump shrunk to 7mm. By the way from what I understand there are different types of calcification - some occur as you get older (which are not cancerous) and some which could become cancerous - I don’t know the difference but your mother’s consultant should be able to answer this question.
Hope this helps answer a few of your questions.
Thinking of you and your mum
Rebz xxx
That really does help Rebz, at the moment I’m just hungry for every scrap of info I can get!
They’ve said the lump is 19mm. Is it normal to try and shrink the lump with chemotherapy before removing it?
Laura x
Hi Laura,
I’m sorry to hear about your mum. My lump was a bit bigger than your mum’s and I had the op before chemo. We’re all different and the treatment (or combination of treatment) varies according to different factors relating to our individual cancer.
Margaret x
Hello again Laura you have really come to the right place for info firstly from Breast Cancer Care themselves who produce vast amounts of information which you can read online or by requesting hard copies and/or speaking to one of the advisors in confidence on the phone.
One thing I would say about information is not to scare yourself by doing searches on the internet - maybe stick to this website or other professional websites otherwise you could scare yourself silly. May I also suggest that your mother may not wish to know too much about her condition for now - that’s what I was like and I took my time and drip fed myself info over a long period of time as that was how I was able to cope. Even now there are a few things I do not know and do not feel I need to know. I hang onto positive comments such as the oncologist telling me he considers the treatment he is giving me as “curative treatment”.
Regarding chemo - each person’s treatment is different. Together with various tests and scans they also take into account age (the younger you are the more aggressive the cancer can be), type of cancer, grade of tumour, whether it has spread to lymph nodes and size of tumour. The consultants need to fit together all the pieces of the jigsaw in order to come up with a treatment plan. Because of my young age, the size of my tumour and the fact it was aggressive and it was in my lymph nodes they decided to do chemo first. Not everybody has their treatment this way round and not everybody has chemo either.
Rebz xxx
Hey Laura 
I definitely wanted to concur with what Rebz has said–my curiosity and need to “know” lead me to do a lot of internet research, and I really wish I hadn’t. I scared myself horribly by looking for details, and as I was already upset all the knew knowledge and some frightening statistics and new, horrible possibilities started whirling around in my head and I really whipped myself up into a frenzy. I think at this stage the best thing to do is just take each day as it comes (I see this advice pop up all over the place). I found this forum to be a very calming influence amongst the turbulence.
It’s hard to say what your mum will want to hear as everyone is so different. My mother-in-law said to me that I should be strong for my mum and not show that I feel “sorry”, and so far (apart from the day she was officially diagnosed and I had a minor meltdown that evening due to emotions and being overly tired) I have managed to do that and my mum says she really appreciates my approach. I try to just be really positive about it and tell her that the stuff she is going through is standard procedure, and that the consultant knows what he is doing. When she wants a distraction and wants to talk about something completely unrelated, that’s what I do, and when she wants to talk about the cancer I just sit and listen and try to be as supportive as I can. She says it’s difficult because some people she wants to talk to but they just can’t cope with knowing, so I think it’s a relief for her to be able to talk to someone about it. Fortunately her sister is also very level-headed and has been a great source of calm and support.
As regards treatment, my mum has a large lump and a small bust, so a mastectomy was her only real option. Upon mastectomy they discovered that the cancer was aggressive and had spread to the lymph nodes, so within 4 days she had a second operation to remove them. She is now due a CT scan in the next couple of weeks to check for further possible spreads (I am dreading this), and then she has been told she will require chemotherapy followed by radiotherapy. Obviously everyone’s case is different depending on their personal situation.
I wish your mum best of luck with this, and as I mentioned in the other thread, if you need someone to talk to, I am here! I hope you get better news from this point on.
Take care,
-Tamsin
thank you again for all your informative words, it really is most helpful.
tasmin, in response to your post on the other thread; I am 22, my brothers are 19 and 15. My little brother is completely dependant on my Mum, which is hard.
At the moment, we are literally hours away from finding out if the abnormalities are cancerous or not. which, as far as I’m aware, will determine if a mastectomy is necessary or not.
I’m trying not to read too much into things; I appreciate that each person is different, I’m just tryng to understand the possible outcomes. It’s hard not to wonder x x
I know, I think it’s almost impossible not to wonder! I am keeping my fingers crossed for you and hoping it all goes well for your mum.
-Tamsin xxx
Well, after an agonising wait, we finally got the most recent test results back. They’ve shown that the ‘abnormalities’ in the same breast as the lump aren’t cancerous.
She doesn’t have to have a mastectomy. She has to have an operation to remove the cancerous lump and then a few months of radiotherapy.
We were all crying with happiness when we found out. Crazy to think that a week ago, I knew nothing about all this, and now I’m happy that my Mum has got just a cancerous lump!
Will be a couple of weeks before the operation. We’re not kidding ourselves; this most recent news is ace, but we accept that the next few months are going to be horrible, there’s no point pretending it isn’t.
Thanks again for the kind words and helpful comments, it really means a lot.
Laura x x
Hello Laura
I’m really pleased to hear that you are feeling more relieved now and sending you lots of hugs.
Rebz xx