My partner was has just had all her lymph nodes removed and there was no cancer (Yippee so I thought) but all she has done is go into a dark corner and not see me, but see her friends and family, I feel so rejected, and cannot understand why, I love her so much and just want to be her rock. HELP!!!
Spartacus, I’m sorry you’re on here but I’m sure you’ll get some help. There are a couple of partners who come on who may be along soon, and also women who are with partners who may be able to help.
The best thing you can do is to continue to be her rock, and to be there for her. She may be deliberately not talking to you about it because she doesn’t want to put any more stress on you than she has done already, so not talking to you about it could be her way of trying to protect you. I don’t know, there may be other reasons, just a thought.
Good luck, and others will be along soon.
CM
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CM, thank you for the reply. It is so hard to understand why she is being “Mrs Negative”. I just take such a kicking every week, it is beginning to wear me down and I worry that I will let her down. I have been a cancer patient myself, 3 times and never treated people like this, so I guess we are not all the same. I really want to tell her how she is hurting me but I dont want to add that pressure to her.
So last night I told her that she was hurting me, and the backlash I got was very aggressive, she was crying, stating that she wanted to cut herself to stop the pain and told me she wanted us to stop. We were meant to be going out tonight and tomorrow but she said NO to tonight and no to tomorrow, so I have decided that I will do my best to leave her alone. She NEEDS help but states that she needs to do this by herself, I believe she is depressed but will not seek help apart from blogs and forum at Cancer research. She is angry her nodes have been removed and yet that is protocol…
Spartacus, you might want to have a word with your GP. I know he or she is not in a position to discuss your wife with you, but that doesn’t stop you discussing your wife with your GP. At least that way if your wife contacts the doctor (assuming you have the same doc) then the doc may be able to bring it up. You’re in a really tough position at the moment, and I think it’s worse for family and friends than for the person with cancer. That makes US feel guilty for hurting our friends and family, and then we just go on and do it even more sometimes.
Hugs to you and your wife, and perhaps you would benefit from talking to the helpline, they really are fantastic. Give them a ring, open till 5pm this evening and again tomorrow morning. Number at the top of the page.
CM
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This may sound really stupid, but if the operation was fairly recent it is possible that your wife is experiencing some real physical pain, as I know from my own lymph node removal. Besides the incision, which hurt a lot more than the incision in my breast, there may also be pain in the nerves themselves. I still experience this at times 3 months later. And does she have any swelling around the incision or in her arm generally? If so, she really should see the Breast Care Nurse.
Depression could make any physical pain much worse, of course, and I second CM’s suggestion that you should get in touch with your GP or with the Breast Care Nurse, if you have a number. The suggestion of ringing the helpline is another good one.
When I hear or read reports that suggest that removing all the lymph nodes may be unnecessary, I feel pretty annoyed, but I don’t know whether the situation is as clear-cut as press reports suggest. Without knowing your wife, and as you have found out, even people we know well can surprise us, I would hesitate to suggest more.
Cheryl
Hi Spartacus
What I have discovered as the OH since the Mrs’ diagnosis is that as her rock I also have signed up for being the unofficial emotional punchbag. Everyone copes in different ways post-op, post diagnosis, during Chemo etc etc etc. I have learned to expect the unexpected and not to question too deeply her motives for behaviour.
My wife emotionally pushed me away during the operation and recovery period because she felt useless, the pain and inability to lift anything dented her pride and independance. I over-compensated and tried to do everything, unwittingly adding insult to injury. However, she holds her feelings very close to herself and so I had no idea that her moods, her shortness with me was because she was frustrated with herself and also with me for not seeing her own frustrations, not withstanding the drugs she was on which meant her hormones were all over the place. Round and round in a big emotional circle we went, with me feeling more detached from her than ever. That water has passed under the bridge since we now understand what was going on. Life is so much smoother since I have backed off and stopped (inadvertently) trying to do ‘everything’ for her.
This explanation for your OH’s behaviour is of course pure conjecture and am only relaying my own experience, which sounds similar to yours in many respects.
The other thing, from both her side and my own experience is post op blues. Hosptials and surgical procedures are quite invasive and an assualt on your dignity and independance. I have often felt depressed after an op and it has taken a little while to get past it (a little like holiday blues in a twisted way).
My OH has a very solid independant streak and I now wait to be asked for help on things she is usually in control of, but I am always waiting in the wings to pick her up either emotionally or physically if she faulters. This seems to be working and her recovery from the Op is tremendous.
The physical pain from the Op will stop eventually, and in the meantime the GP can prescribe painkillers. I can understand that the now seemingly pointless lymph node removal is upsetting her, as the complications can be quite harsh (if they ever manifest, which they might not). However, if it helps, my wife’s inital scans during biopsy etc showed no cancer deposits in the lymphs, but as a normal procedure of the lumpectomy they removed 3 nodes and found small cancer deposits in 2 of them, small enough to not show up on the scans. The following op for node clearance showed only 1 out of the 13 removed showed a tiny almost trace amount. However, again this was not possible to detect until it had been examined under the microscope. Had they not removed them and sectioned them the cancer would still be there. It only takes one cancer cell to kick start a chain reaction…To find nothing is, in a funny way, a positive step forward in my view. Our attitude is that with no lymph nodes in that side, the road is now hopefully shut for any rogue cancer cells to migrate through. Until they find a more accurate scan technique the only option, in my view, is the be safe and get them out. My wife says that in a match between cancer and ‘possible’ lymphodema the latter wins everytime.
I really hope your OH gets over this hump really soon. I understand the frustrations you are going through. If you need to vent spleen feel free to PM me anytime.
Rich