Just Joined - feeling scared and is helping to see all experiences and read advice

Going through breast cancer treatment Surgery
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Hi, I have just joined - so hope this post is ok and on right forum? 

I found a lump on left breast in Sept  2 weeks before my age 50 mammogram, after this then biopsies it was  revealed I had cancer in the lump and in lymph nodes. First op in Nov - results showed out or 10 nodes 3 had cancer so that was great news BUT lump showed more DCIS, had another op 4 weeks to remove more tissue - results showed still DCIS that could or couldn’t turn invasive so mastectomy is booked for Monday. Can’t have reconstruction due to lymph nodes and I have an illness that I have IVIG for every 4 weeks too.  I’m worried my Husband and Sons wont look at me in the same way and that I won’t feel attractive ever again - I also know this is not what I should be thinking about I should be happy I am cancer free once breast has gone - will then start chemo in Feb as a preventative measure and maybe radiotherapy after that - due to my  CIDP my surgeon decided best to have operations first to remove all or as much as he could before chemo.  So much to take in - so glad my breast cancer nurse told me about this forum- been reading solid all day and has already helped my state of mind  - Sorry for the long post x

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Hi

You certainly have found the right place. Welcome. I’m so sorry you need us - you’re having a rough time of it so far, aren’t you? There will be plenty of people who can identify with your position so hopefully there will be more responses.

One thing I would say is this. Would you feel your husband was less attractive or less-than-he-was if he had life-saving surgery?? Put yourself in your husband’s shoes and ask yourself how he might feel knowing that you are afraid he might not see you in the same way. You know him and you may be right of course but I think most husbands would want a cancer-free wife with the best assurances possible of no recurrence (there are no guarantees but the odds can be improved). Talk to him. Don’t avoid the subject because, unfortunately, it’s unavoidable. You don’t say the age of your sons but, given your age, they may be young enough to be extra-fearful and it’s for you to educate them - women are women, valued for who they are, not for their breasts or their hair. Their greatest fear is likely to be that of losing their mother - again, something you can help them with.

Breast cancer carries a load of preconceptions which you will come to terms with as you settle into the experience and become an old hand, advising others. I understand the fear of no longer being physically attractive. Personally I see my scar as my lifesaver and know that, with my prosthesis and a proper bra (something I never really needed before) I look no different. I guess I’m fortunate that I don’t feel less attractive (but I am older) and I’ve not tried to hide my scar. I’m mono-boobed - so what? BUT I appreciate that I’ve worked hard to achieve this outlook. There was a programme on Xmas TV combining Dancing on Ice with Stand up to Cancer. In part 2, the female celebrities met a burlesque group comprising women who’d had mastectomies - they each revealed their scars and talked confidently, if emotionally, about them. This is what we need more of. Oh dear, I’m on a rant!

You may find www.knittedknockersuk.com useful, although currently they’ve suspended orders owing to the pandemic. This is a free service and you can order a ‘knocker’ in your cup size in any colour you like, including rainbows, as well as knockers for swimming. It’s a wonderful way of helping you change your perception of yourself, I think. If you’re a knitter, there is a pattern you can use yourself. I much prefer them to a softie or a prosthesis but actually I just prefer to be as I am, one boob.

Do avoid Google in any matters relating to breast cancer. The information can never take your unique circumstances into consideration and Google doesn’t give a toss about your emotions. You can ask questions of the nurses here, either through the forum or using the helpline above. You’ve obviously got a great breast care nurse (I only found this site by chance) so talk about your feelings with her. It’s not going to be an easy time, I’m afraid, but one thing I can say is that it’s all manageable. Scrap the preconceptions - wait and see. Meantime, do everything you can to maintain your physical and emotional health. In other words, do look after yourself (and let others look after you).

I hope everything goes smoothly for you and your fears are unfounded. Take care

Jan x

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Mumof4boys - A very warm “Welcome” to you. Really sorry you’re having to deal with this bleepin disease. This is a great place for support, advice, and a variety of different opinions.

Great words from Jaybro, ref your husband and children’s “view” of you. I can understand your issues of “wont feel attractive again”. I was still single at the time, and had always been very proud of my body, always kept it in good shape. So it bothered ME. Losing one or both boobs doesn’t bother some women as much as others, and I applaud them for it. But It’s all a very personal thing, so don’t ever feel guilty thinking about your appearance. I’m certainly not going to think you or anyone VAIN.

I lost both boobs, a year apart, 2006/07 and both with FULL lymph node clearance, which was still standard practice then, prior to SNB testing. Losing one didn’t bother me so much, as it makes a huge difference still having one of your own. I’ve heard many other women say the same thing, some of them familiar tv women. I coped with a single pocketed bra and a really great silicone prosthetic. You DO get more used to the look of it naked, more accepting.

Even with full node clearance, I’d been offered “immediate” recon at the same time (I’d chosen IMPLANT as oppo self tissue), so I’m not understanding why you’ve been told you can’t have “immediate” recon “due to lymph nodes”?? Might be worth checking further into that with your Breast Care Nurse. It could be that it depends whether you’re opting for a “self tissue” recon, which obviously requires a great deal more and delicate surgery. Or “implant” recon which doesn’t require so much delicate surgery. 

I’m afraid I’m always very much a supporter or advocate of “immediate” reconstruction, that’s if it’s available and possible of course. I very much wished I’d had “immediate” - had it all over and done with in one go, as I ended up being VERY delayed with both of mine. 7 years!!! All due to other major life losses, trauma, brown stuff happening - sorting my boobs kept being put on hold.

It’s a loooong process - “delayed” recon from a flat mastectomy too.

So I tend to say - If it’s “possible” to have “immediate” recon, you’re given the option of it, have the chance to, and it’s the right time in life for you to, - TAKE IT.  Because you never know what life’s going to throw at you.

I’m sooo wishing you well with it all, Mumof4. Please do keep popping back to keep us up to date with how you are and where you’re up to with it all, will you.

Lots of love,  Delly  xxxxxxx