Just looking for a little bit of advice

First post in this sort of group so please bare with me…im 26 years old and my partner got diagnosed with breast cancer at the end of august, weve gone through two chemotherapies so far and just got past the hair loss stage and if im being honest im finding it very diffcult to release any sort of anger or emotions toward the whole situation and i would rather just keep it all in and try and deal with it all myself  ( which i know is the worst thing i could possible do) im not too great at communicating my emotions as it is (im too stubborn for my own liking and i feel like i can do it all myself) i dont talk to my parents, i dont talk to my friends and i try and keep everything away from my partner just so i dont feel like im giving her the burden of looking after me as shes going through enough as it is already and i just think i need to man up and get on with it.

The hardest part for her has been the hair loss and to watch her go through endless nights of her crying herself into a crazy state has absolutely destroyed me inside and knowing that i cannot do anything about it and i just have to sit there and take it and know that this wont last forever - she tried the coldcap but unfortunately it didnt work and it came to the point that she had to have her shaved and at the start she didnt want me to see her/be near her and didnt think i would love/find her attractive any more and as much as i would tell her otherwise it wouldnt help…

The semi ups and the real downs - ive tried to say to her this whole time that we need to keep it in the middle and when we have good results and shes feeling fine not to get to up about it all as then when there is a down the fall will be greater but then when there is a down moment to try and not to get too down and try and stay as grounded as possible now obviously that is alot easier said than done which of course i understand but at somepoints i find it very hard to say anything without it being wrong or making the situaiton worse.

Support - she has a great support system around her no doubt however her parents do not live in the uk and her dad is going through chemotherapy for bowel cancer as we speak - so apart from her daily phone call from her parents or meeting with friends i would say im mostly the biggest part of her support mechanism and being 26 and never having to go through anything like this before im finding it difficult to understand or how to keep it so im not going crazy myself and i find myself building up and building up the emotion and it got to thursday last week when i blew and literally went on a massive drinking binge and was an absolute idiot towards her for absolutely no reason what so ever…so the reason im writing this is just to get some tips or some help to make sure this doesnt happen ever again and i want to be able to talk to people and talk through the issues instead of letting it all build up and letting it out in a way that it shouldnt!


sorry for the long winded message and i can imagine ive missed alot out which i cannot think of right now but if anyone could help or point me in a right direction that would be much appreciated!!

Aaron ,welcome to the forum .This is a great place to get things of your chest without fear of upsetting someone /saying the wrong thing .Would you consider talking to someone outside the situation for support - there are often local charities who offer counselling and various other complimentary therapies locally to partners and family members.Breast Cancer now also has a Someone like Me service where you can be connected to someone who has been in a similar situation for support either by phone or e mail .I will try and post the link for you .Please keep talking about how you feel even if it’s just on line as it will help release all the tension and stress and reduce the risk of things bubbling over again .All the feelings you are having are perfectly normal it’s such a tough time .Best wishes Jill x



So sorry you find yourself here. I can only speak from being the person going through treatment.


First of all don’t beat yourself up over this, make sure you apologise and start talking to your partner, I found it really difficult when my husband was trying to be strong, I felt like he was distancing himself from me and this fed ideas in my mind that he didn’t want to be with me anymore. This was made worse by the side effects from chemo and the chemo brain! In the end we had a blazing row which cleared the air, I still have down days but we handle them better now, and my hubby is not always on his best bahaviour, but I love him for who he is and he always says whats on his mind!


I wasn’t too bothered about losing my hair but it really bothered hubby and in the end I asked him to shave it off, he had a bit of control back then, but now mine is growing back I’m really hating it as its so fluffy I look like a baby chick, and have become concerned this hair will stay - (you cant please us women). I trust that hubby still loves me and he doesn’t care what I look like cos he sees my inner me (sorry for the hippyness of this but its important).


Your partner needs to go through the ups and down to process everything that is happening, its not a bad thing to be happy and be sad, also she will still want to feel like she has a purpose including looking after you, all you need to do is be there and feel blessed that she sees you as her main support, my hubby is my best friend and thats what has kept us together. Through all my treatment I have still supported him as he lost a close family member during my treatment. Just do what you can to help each other as you are on this journey with her.


Find ways to be close and do normal things, plan little trips out the the cinema, or whatever you used to enjoy, this time of year you can pull on a wooly hat and go for a walk in the park and no-one notices the hairloss, and in truth most people are helpful and friendly.


If you really cant talk to your partner or friends about how you feel then use the fascility on here because building up stress is bad for your health and you will explode again, and neither of you deserve that. 


I hope that you can find somethiing in these ramblings that will help you. 



Hi Aaron, 

How are you two doing?  It has been a long journey since your post in Nov. 2019.