I’m not a frequent poster on here, i try to post the occasional supportive comment now and again if a posting really hits me, as for the most part my treatment hasn’t been to hard. Tonight though I’m really struggling. A few of you might be aware that in addition to dealing with my own de novo diagnosis I’m also supporting my parents with my dads cancer. Well, a few weeks ago his oncologist turned round and said “I’m sorry there’s really nothing more we can do”
Now i have a stepdaughter living with us who has depression and has had for several years, and while at any other time i would be able to handle her issues just now i cant. I’m having to remind her multiple times a day to do things and frequently having to remind her about hygiene as it impacts me and my dad (he’s been hospitalised twice with staph infections) she seems to have it in her head that she is the one this is impacting most and maybe I’m just being selfish but i find myself thinking “get a grip, you’ve only known him 10 years, it’s my dad!!!”
As i result i feel like I’m not allowed to grieve in my own home for the father I’m losing and the future I’ve lost myself. It doesn’t help that she’s studying psychology and and says I’m not normal for not being depressed myself. I can’t seem to get it across that i won’t allow myself to be depressed as i have been there before and found it destructive, but won’t accept that i dont have the emotional resilence to be the support that she wants or needs. We are in a vicious cycle of me shouting at her and her going off in a self absorbed sulk. I don’t know what to do or say and find myself counting the days until she goes off to uni knowing full well that she is likely to be sectioned fairly quickly. The ridiculous thing is that her autistic sister has been the most amazing support, getting up and getting chores done and even opening up my business for me when I’m wiped out and I’m dreading her leaving as I’ve no idea how I’ll cope.
Trying to support my mum through all this as well is exhausting, as not only is she losing her husband of 50 years she has the knowledge of my dx too. I haven’t even had a chance to sit down and have a good cry yet or even to talk to my dad privately as it feels like everybody wants a piece of me all the time. I can’t even tell anyone in my family that I’m upping my morphine because i haven’t slept through the night in months due to post IM femur nailing becuse then they’ll worry about me.
Anyhoo, I have a appointment with my local Macmillan nurse next week so maybe I’ll be able to get stuff off my chest in person then. For tonight I’ll settle for another dose of Oramorph and a fresh hot water bottle on my leg and try to sleep for a couple more hours.
I don’t expect suggestions or even many responses but i just had to get things down in writing tonight rather than lying in bed trying not to whimper and wake my partner (who has been lovely btw, but is still working a ft job while trying to help me run my pub.)
Good night folks, I’m sure I’ll feel a bit better in a few hours (at least for a day or two.)
Hope the rest of you are having a better time of it.