keep getting upset

hey fellow pink ladies.

i just felt like i needed ro chat,and no one was home. Partner gone to work, his children who live with him, 2 girls are at their moms for half term, and im home alone with the puppy.

ive been doing really well, but sometimes i feel myself waking up knowing in about half hour ill have a major cry. it annoys me, why?? i dont know, i knwo its natural and better out than in, but to me i feel like im letting it all get to me, and thats week and not beng in control.

my mom was diagnosed with bc last xmas, so ive been extra para about my boobie, 3 months ago found a lump, doc and consultnat thought was nothing, turned out to be 21mm DCIS, 4 weeks ago lumpectomy all clear margins, 6 nodes taken, all clear, weekly orgestreon postive, and her-2 negative. im 41, and have no children of my own. 6 x FEC and 15 rads and 5 years tamox to folow, awaiting a date still!!!
i think its the waiting. my life isnt my life anymore, well not the one i know it to be, and it wont be for a very long time. maybe it will never be agaon. im a really postive person, but hen i get these upsets i struggle, and i havent even started the journey yet.

i read the ade edmonson article at the weekend and its really scared me. plus im scared of how people will view mw with no hair.
Iwish i could feel like me again. :frowning:

Hi Poppy,
Sorry to hear that you are having a rough time. It’s not easy is it?
When you think about it you have been and are still going through a major trauma and hey who wouldn’t have teary episodes?

When I feel teary I try to get engrossed in something to distract my mind and thoughts, sometimes that works and sometimes it doesn’t.

How a bout having a pamper day fpr yourself…run a long hot bath, candle, book and drift away…empty your mind and banish all thoughts of the ‘c’ word for a short while because it does consume us without us realising. After you bath wrapup warm and go and lie down and chill for a bit, give yourself some regeneration and relaxation time.
Hope this helps…hugs from Suze xx

Hi Poppy

Sorry you have hit a downer, we all do at times. It’s part of the rollercoaster we are on and this waiting time is the worst part. I find when others are around the distraction keeps the worst of my fears away but once on my own everything wells up so I just go with the flow and have a cry.

Losing our hair is the hardest thing or rather the thought of it but once it’s gone it is easier to accept. Having chemo in winter means we have the advantage as we can go out with hats on and feel normal. You will get an nhs wig and ask about fringes. I got 2 which I put under the hat.

I have had 4 out of 6 FEC and like you will be having 15 rads followed by tamoxifen. My chemo started mid August and onc. is already talking about me being able to return to work in the new year and you will find once you have your dates the time does pass. No, chemo is not easy or nice but is do-able and as my onc. put it “it’s an insurance policy, we want you to live to a ripe old age”. There is a thread of hints and tips to help get through chemo and linking up with those on the same timescale as you really helps so once you have dates, if there is no thread which matches you then start a new one. It’s great how supportive ladies who you have never met can be as well as the bonus of understanding exactly what you are going through and how you feel. Just remember with this site, you are not alone,
Sending hugs your way,

Hi Poppy

You are grieving for the life you had and you will probably do much better in the long run for letting it out. I kept a diary of a few words everyday and for a long time it was full of sad things, then it gradually changed. Life and happiness bubbled up again and when I read through the diary it helped me realise that things were getting better. From that point on I was able allow myself to feel sad from the tips of my toes, all through every part of me , recognise it and then let it pass. I will not deny how sad this makes me, but I will also recognise how happy I am too. Greiving takes time, don’t rush yourself, don’t deny your feelings, talk about it to a safe person ( I have a psychologist and she is brilliant for saying my worst fears to). I find as soon as I say it out loud some of the sadness starts to go.

As for hair. I was not worried about losing it. My eyelashes have upset me more. I don’t wear a wig as I felt everyone knew I was trying to hide something. But I know other women who love their wigs. One thing I did do was before I lost it. I went to the hairdressers and got her to try a hairstyle I had always fancied but been too scared to try. So as I knew it would be falling out, she did it and I loved it and when my hair grows back that is the way I am going to have it. So I have something to look forward to and I was a bit daring, which made me feel strong. My children have no problem with my baldness. I wear scarves and they have told the children at school that there mum is a pirate.

Be extra nice to yourself. I am going for some reflexology now at the local hospice, very relaxing. Take care


Hi Poppy

Hope you are feeling a bit better - sent you a private message

hey guys, thanx all for your kind words of support.
what a rollercoaster eh, it seems to be gettign worse the nearer i am to starting it all.

very odd feelings. ones im sure are all normal !!



I had a really bad day yesterday spent the day crying and screaming at sheep that life isn’t fair (I do live in the middle of nowhere surrounded by sheep so I’m not totally going off my head). Today I’m feeling better but the whole process does take you up and down.
Sometimes it can be hard work coping especially when you’re on your own for a bit, your mind just focuses on the BC and the waiting for the next stage/set of results/treatment etc.

Until I started this journey I’d never made jam in my life and over the last few weeks I now have cupboards full of the stuff. The first batch was so sticky it was like toffee! It was great seeing everyone being so polite in trying to spread it it have me a real laugh which still keeps be going. Can’t wait to see their reaction when the chutney starts to be eaten!

There’s no doubt you have to get your laughs when you can.

Take care girl


Reeb - HAHAHA… not just me then! I have been known to make chutney before, but only after much nagging and muttering from the OH about why bother planting the b***dy things if they’re not going to be used… but over the last week I’ve made:

10lbs of marrow and ginger chutney
8lbs of pumpking/apricot and almond chutney
8lbs of sloe and apple jelly
10lbs of marrow and ginger JAM.

The house stinks, the dogs can’t stop sneezing, the kids are finding any excuse under the sun NOT to come home… but at least my OH is happy.

Chutney takes so flipping long to prepare and make, it’s a great distractor. Sadly, I’ve now run out of marrows and the pumpkins have been emptied and carved. What next??

Sophie xx

Poppy - hope today is an ‘up’ day on the rollercoaster… I am totally with you on this waiting lark being the nightmare of it all… and I’m still waiting for my pre-op! I finally have the date for that (10th), but still don’t know my op date yet, and I just want to get on with it all.

Good luck, hang on in there and I hope you get your dates soon.

Sophie xx

Hello Poppy hope you are feeling a bit better. This is a great place to get things out of your system and find out you are not alone.

I have just had the last of my chemo and am waiting for my rads to start. The weeks waiting for the chemo to start were definitely the worst - fear of the unknown. It definitely hasn’t been as bad as I thought, and I’ve kept working throughout and carried on pretty much as normal. When I started it seemed interminable, but its actually gone quite quickly.

Cancer does take over your life and at first you will cry all the time.It does get easier in time though.
Good Luck.

Hi Poppy,
I think I’m probably on a similar timescale to you, although have now started my chemo. I have also been surprised at how emotional and teary I am! The waiting is the worse bit. I am trying to cope with the hair thing which has just started coming out and for me this has been the hardest thing so far. I know it will get easier as I get used to things and it will for you too. If you have a ‘down’ day you will also have some much better days. Just go with it and the time will pass. You will feel better once chemo has started and you can move on to the next stage.

hey pinkies

thanx all for your reasuring words.
my thoughts are with you all at your different stages on this road.

ive named it my pink road, as i dont like the cemo words ect, they seem to stop a conversation in its tracks lol

im ok, have a start date, 15th nov, and a chat appointment on the 9th to go through what theyll do ect ect.

i agree wth you all the waiitng is worse. im sure once i start counting the 6 down it will be ok.

thanx all
xx kaz